deep · personal

new recording 3 (my 20th birthday)

Hi loves,

It’s my 20th birthday today! Super weird that I’m no longer a teenager and now have to describe myself as being “in my twenties” (I’m still in denial). There’ll be a what I got for my birthday post coming up soon (if I decide to make one) but other than that, let’s get on with today’s post! I thought this one should be a little more personal since it’s my birthday and so I thought it was only right to share this piece with you guys, which I’ve had in my drafts forever now.

Here’s a little voice note / transcript of me when I was 18 rambling about the universe at 3am in late December (2016)…

p.s. – it’s also Virginia Woolf’s birthday today which, if you know me, is incredibly weird don’t you think? I swear it must mean something…


“However bad my life feels, I feel like it was meant to go this way. Like it was meant to happen this way. No matter how much I think the world shuts its doors on me and how much I feel like nothing goes right for me, *laughs* it was supposed to be this way, because I was meant to do something bigger. I was made for something bigger, and it’s just finding out what that is, you know? Like I said, I need to find myself, and when I do find her I’m never gonna let her go because I know how long it took for me to do that, but it was meant to happen this way. Everything that’s happened to me was meant to happen, it’s not a string of bad luck, it’s not life telling me “you weren’t made for this”, it’s the universe telling me that I was made for it but I was also made for something so much more… and that’s what I have to remember when I think to myself, why me? Why is this happening to me? You know? Why did my best friend die, why do I have a mental illness, why do I have depression and anxiety, why am I scared of the world, why can I not seem to really connect with anybody? Why can I not find my people, why can I not find my place, why do I feel so lost, why do I feel so suffocated, why does nothing feel like home to me? You know? But it was meant to happen, it was supposed to happen this way and that’s just what I’ve got to remember.

But I don’t know what I’ll do, I don’t know where I’m going I don’t…you know at the minute my room is my creative space, and I just keep removing everything because nothing feels right. It doesn’t feel like me so I’m changing everything and I’m making everything white and I’m removing everything and taking it all away and it, it’s still not doing anything for me. But, I am different and I’ve realised that now I guess. When it first starts you just think, why? *laughs*. Like I said, why is this happening to me? I feel like I wanna cry, but for myself. Like I wanna grieve for myself, because I’ve lost myself so many times and I’m so nostalgic, like nostalgia is a bitch. It really is because even though things were shit at the time, when you think back on it nostalgia makes you miss it a lot and I am nostalgic for everything, cause I feel like I am just so far away from anything that makes me feel like home, and I wanna cry and I wanna mourn and I wanna grieve but I wanna grieve and cry and mourn for myself, you know?

I wanna get in the car and go on a really long road trip and look in my rear view mirror as I’m driving away from everything I’ve ever known, even though it’s never really felt like home to me, it’s the only physical home I’ve ever had and I wanna look in the rear view mirror and I just wanna cry and grieve and just breathe because I feel like, I don’t know. I’m so lost. so lonely, so empty… I don’t know who I am, it really hurts because the person that I am at home isn’t me, and the person that I am at work isn’t me, and the person that I am on my own, I don’t know if it’s me, it’s more me than the other me’s, you know, it’s more me than the one in front of my parents and the one in front of everyone else and stuff but I don’t, I still don’t know if that’s me, and I don’t know who me is, I don’t know what my personality is. People say describe yourself and I can’t, ’cause I don’t know, and I get sad and I get frustrated ’cause I’ll be somewhere and naturally I’ll be a certain way subconsciously and then I’ll get home and I’ll think, that didn’t really feel like me or even if I’m home and I’m downstairs with my parents, I come upstairs and I just think “that wasn’t really me”. Like that wasn’t the way that I wanted to come across or that’s not the way that I feel that I am, and so everybody gets this perception of me but it isn’t really me and I don’t know what is and people always say there’s a part of yourself that you don’t show to anybody else, which is true but I can’t even show that bit to myself. Even if you’re in a relationship they say there’s always a part of you that you don’t show to anyone, there’s always a chapter that you don’t read out loud and I just, I don’t even think that I’ve read that chapter to myself, I haven’t even found that chapter yet. I can’t find it, I’m flicking through the book and it’s not there. *laughs* 

And when people start to tell you things so often, you believe it, and so, if somebody tells you that you are a certain way and you don’t even know who you are yourself, you just go along with them and you believe it. Like yeah, okay, that’s how I must come across so that’s the way that I am, but I’m not. That’s not who I am, but it scares me because there’s nothing in this world that makes me feel like who I am. Even when I’m in situations that could possibly give me an outlet to be who I am, I’m still not that person… and so I think even if everything is being handed to you and you’re being put in a situation and environment where you can be who you are and you’re still not doing that – you still can’t… then what are you? What is it gonna take? And I don’t know. *laughs* 

Like I wanna travel and I wanna go places but I have nowhere to go and I have no one to go with… how do you find people? How do you…trust people? And I don’t know… I don’t know.

But then I sit here, like right now and I am this way but then I know that in the morning I won’t feel this way and I’ll just feel how I feel every day and then I think oh, well maybe I’m not actually ill, maybe I’m just…maybe I just need to get out more. *laughs*. But then I sit here like this and I talk about things and I think about things and I realise how lost I actually am and how confused I am… and how mismatched and disorientated and all of those things that I am and it’s like wow maybe, maybe I’m not normal. Maybe I’m not the same as everyone else… I know I’m not the same as everyone else.”

54 thoughts on “new recording 3 (my 20th birthday)

  1. Chloe, your words are moving, inspiring and beautifully crafted as always. Thank-you so much for sharing them with us. And happiest of happy birthdays, you gorgeous soul! I hope that your time being 20 is joy and bliss and everything good 💛

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Happy belated birthday!!🎉😊
    As for your recording that you shared with us….I don’t know what to say!! This is why I absolutely love your posts and like you as a person. Reading your thoughts is just so real and almost cleansing to me if that makes sense. It just gives me such a nice feeling of ‘ok. It’s not just me who thinks like this’ and I love that❤ I hope you had an amazing birthday, and I hope you have an amazing year💕🙂

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you my love! You are honestly SO wonderful and thank you for such lovely words as always, they mean such a lot!! I’m honoured that my own words could cleanse you almost, that’s why I think it’s so important we share what’s on our minds – you never know who else it could relate to! I promise you’re not alone in whatever it is you’re thinking sometimes, I try to share as many of my thoughts as I can so that other people don’t feel alone in it, because I know sometimes all it takes is that one little thing to make you feel okay again, so it’s amazing that you said this. Thank you for being an angel as always and I too hope you have an amazing year!! 💞xx


  3. HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY YOU BEAUTIFUL SOUL! I hope you had an amazing day and go on to have an even more amazing year! 😀 It’s so crazy whenever I read your posts and I just think to myself . . . We are soul sisters. I feel like on some wavelength we have the same energy. Your words are always SO DAMN POIGNANT AND RELATABLE. And beautiful. And eloquent. And inspiring. And moving. It’s genuinely so heartwarming to see that other people have these thoughts, these fears, these ideas too. I’m putting it on the goal list – at one point this year, we ARE meeting and we ARE going to fun through a forest, listen to great music, go on a roadtrip, stare at the stars! ❤ ❤

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much angel!! I really think we are soul sisters – we’re too alike not to be!! I too always read your posts like…wow, this girl gets it!! We are definitely meeting this year & doing all those thing, it will be tragic if we don’t – the universe is bringing us together so well! Thank you for being AMAZINGLY lovely and making me smile as always!! 💛✨xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Happy belated birthday Chloe! I hope you had the most beautiful day and wishing you all the best for your twenties – I can tell that many great things are on the way for you, as you are a very talented and kind human being. As usual, your words had an enormous impact on me because the theme of searching for your identity really resonated with me. It can be very tricky to put our true personalities out there, or even determine what they actually are, but we have to try our best to pursue our passions and see where that leads us, and the hopefully likeminded people we meet along the way. Thank you so much for sharing xox

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my lovely!! You are so wonderful this made me smile so much, I’m so honoured that my writing has such an impact on you!! You’ve no idea how much that means. I completely agree with what you said 💛 thank you for reading angel xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Happy birthday beautiful 💕🎉🎂🎈 Have an amazinh birthday full of love and happiness. You deserve that.

    I also feel lost sometimes and don’t know what’s the real me. I feel sorry for what you have experienced. It must be really hard. I know how it’s to suffer from anxiety. You always have a frien in me ❤ This was just a beautiful post. Wow. I could feel my eyes almost crying. Maybe we will never find ourselves I don’t know. I’m 24 and still feel like a kid. Never grow up ❤

    I hope you find what you are looking for. Remember, you always have a friend in me. We are warriors and all in this together ❤ Thank you life for knowing you. I wish to travel with you one day and meet each other. That would be a dream coming true. I can relate to all of your beautiful words ❤ Never stop writing because you have born as an artist.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my darling 💜 That means such a lot. I think we all feel a little lost sometimes and that no matter what age we are, we never really feel it. Personally I don’t feel like I’m any different to what I was when I was 15, apart from being a little wiser and having more life experience of course, apart from that I feel the same, I don’t feel like I’ll ever change in such a way that I ‘grow up’ – definitely not something I want to do! I hope you too find what you’re looking for and remember you also have a friend in me, always. I would love to meet you one day and thank you so much for your amazingly kind words as always, they mean such a lot to me! 💛xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Happy birthday, Chloe. Can I just say, this spoke to me so much. So, so much. I felt like I could’ve written this myself. And the way you describe it is so beautiful and breathtaking. I am in awe. I absolutely adore this piece. I don’t really have any words of advice, because I’m not even sure what healthy way there is to cope with this… this, I don’t know. This feeling like you’re a leaf that’s fallen off its old home of a flower and never found a new home in any soil. I hope we figure these feelings out. Much love, and I hope your birthday was fantastic. Happy 20!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my love ✨Honestly this means such a ridiculous amount to me, you are too kind. Sometimes there is no advice to give, and maybe the simple act of just understanding and resonating with each other is enough 💞 I hope you too figure these things out, and thank you for being so wonderful. I had a lovely day, thank you! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Happy 20th Birthdayyy! I hope your day is full of excitement. Aside from that, I feel like I literally just read the story of my life. It was beautifully and powerfully written even under the circumstances. I’m still searching for myself too, realizing more than ever but wondering what other sides I haven’t uncovered yet. Wondering where I belong. Wondering when I’ll be more outgoing. Thanks for sharing this✨✨✨ I’m inspired.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you my lovely! I’m glad you can resonate with this, makes me feel like I’m going a little less crazy sometimes. I’m so glad you liked it! We’re both only young and still have so much to discover – so many versions of ourselves we haven’t met yet! I can’t help but think how exciting that is, I’m sure everything will fall into place for us exactly when it needs to ✨ Thank you so much for reading, I’m so happy you’re inspired!! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Happy Birthday girl! I’m 25 and I’m clinging on to saying ‘twenties’ for as long as possible lol. Very beautiful and very relatable. I remember going along with what people told me. Like they would say ‘Laura you’re too quiet’ and in my head I would think…but I’m not. Yet just go along with it.
    I can say that in the past 5 years (mainly last 2) I’ve completely come into my own and I actually love my twenties far more than my teenage years. Because I had no idea who I was and as I get older I realise that I’m not supposed to be summarised. I’m going to change every year, but do you find more sense. I hope you had thee most amazing day! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ohh girl you’re still young !! I believe we’re all as young as we feel, I feel like so much pressure is put on us to have specific things together and worked out by a certain age, but forget that! I completely get what you’re saying because honestly same, it can be so frustrating and when you don’t even know who you really are yet yourself, you almost end up believing whatever other people tell you you are, which is wrong. I’m so glad the last 2 years have been great for you and here’s to many, many more. I’m so looking forward you grow!! I had an amazing day thank you lovely! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. THIS. This is beautiful. Like God. So much of it spoke to me. THANK YOU for sharing this.
    AND also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY Chloe! Thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts. I hope you have an amazing day, welcome to the twenties!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. WOW. Never mind thanking me for sharing – thank you for reading!! I’m so glad you liked this and thank you for your lovely words 💞 I’m hoping I can learn the ropes of the twenties better than I did my teenage years! xx


  10. This was absolutely beautiful. Everything you wrote…. Wow. The line “How do you…trust people?” really spoke to me.
    AND HAPPY 20TH BIRTHDAY CHLOE! You are such a beautiful person, inside and out. Reading your thoughts is always a pleasure. I wish you all the best for the chapter that’s to come, hope you have an amazing day filled with joy xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahhhh you are the best !! Thank you so much angel, this really made me smile ✨ YOU ARE SO WONDERFUL. I always look forward to hearing from you!! You too are just as beautiful inside and out, thank you so much for taking the time (as always) to read my chaotic thoughts! 💞xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Happy birthday my lovely!! This was such an intense read (in a very good way). When I read it I felt like I was reading it from such a deep place, I was also so immersed in it that I forgot about my surroundings – so powerful.

    Do you think we ever really find ourselves? I’m not so sure. I almost feel like everyone wings it through life, and some people put on a better display than others and look like they’ve got it all figured out; the friends, the experiences, the career etc. etc. I’ve been told countless times how “perfect” my life is, and it just baffles me, because I’m a little ball of confusion who can’t work out what she wants. I know how you feel when you say how people tell you what type of person you are and you believe it, I feel like my personality is made up of a lot of that. I’ll voice something where there are people around about my personality and they’ll tell me I’m wrong and I’m not like that and it’s kinda just like … ??

    If you have any other voice notes stored away, I’d love you to post them! I feel like they come from such a real and deep thought space.

    Have the most wonderful birthday, and welcome to your twenties!! Abi xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much girly!! Sorry I’m only just getting back to this now (busy couple of days!) but this comment was actually the first thing I read on my birthday and it put such a smile on my face, you really brightened my day. I always like to take note of whatever I’m rambling on about late at night / in the early hours ’cause like you said, everything is quite intense and for me, night time is my most creative time, everything just seems to fall into place then. I don’t think we ever really do find ourselves fully, in the sense that our whole life is a learning experience and every day we discover new things, because you can never have too much knowledge – you can never be done with learning. Don’t let anyone ever tell you what your life is or isn’t, or who you can and can’t be – people perceive things in a way that makes sense to them and therefore create the idea that you have this perfect life, which in their eyes is a compliment but really, I feel like I’d just wanna say “thanks, but can you not say that please lol” ’cause it’d probably make me feel worse if anything. I dunno I’m rambling but I know you’ll get what I mean. You are whatever you say you are and you are whoever you want to be, the only person who gets to define you is yourself, and even then you don’t have to – you can be fluid and 10 million people at once and at the end of the day it’s still nobody’s business but your own. Remember that!! Thank you so much for reading and now I finally get to join you in the twenties!! I have a few voice notes lying around somewhere so I’ll see if I can put them together at some point to create something, since this one seems to have gone down so well! Thank you for being so great as always 💛xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I feel like I’d love to start taking notes/recording my thoughts at night, they’re always the most interesting and by morning I’ll have usually forgotten or lost the thought process behind it to write it all down! I honestly can’t wait for more of yours if you choose to post them!

        I’m so happy I brightened up a small part of your birthday! I hope you had the most wonderful day xx

        Liked by 1 person

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