I was lying in bed last night thinking about life (as you do) and something popped into my head again that I spoke about a while ago now, but I thought I’d write about it again because I had some new things to say.
*Disclaimer – I feel like this is basically me repeating what I’ve already said 100 times in other posts but for some reason I still felt compelled to write this one. Apologies if you’re bored of hearing me ramble on about the same thing!*
I touched on it in this post where I said I realised that no matter if I was 10 pounds heavier or lighter, long hair or short hair, feminine or boisterous, I was never going to be enough for certain people. For some, you just aren’t and that’s okay, it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it doesn’t mean you aren’t actually enough, it just means that they are simply the wrong people for you.
I used to believe that it was my own problem – an issue I had that needed to be fixed in order to fit the criteria needed for certain people to like me, to want me. What I’ve realised now is that if I wasn’t enough for someone the first time, I wouldn’t be the second time, or the third time either. I could go to extreme lengths to become someone’s idea of perfect but if I’m simply not enough for them then I never will be and nothing I could do would ever change that, and that’s something I’ve realised now.
For example, there was a guy I kind of dated in high school who looking back in hindsight, I was never enough for. I was just too blind to see it at the time. The fact of the matter is I was never enough for him even though I would’ve done anything for him, and pretty much did at the time. 2 years went by and he came back into my life and the exact same thing happened again but still, I was too blind to see it. During the 2 years we hadn’t spoken I’d glowed up, basically, I was 18 this time instead of 16 and I’d grown so much as a person both mentally and physically (because let’s be honest, we all thought we looked great in high school but none of us actually did) and it was only after the exact same thing happened again that I sat there and thought, why am I not enough for him? Still? After all these things have changed and I’ve improved in all these different ways…why is it still not enough? Why am I still not good enough?
And that’s where we come full circle, when I had the realisation of Chlo, it wouldn’t have mattered if you were 10 pounds heavier or lighter, long hair or short hair, feminine or boisterous – nothing would have been enough for him, because in his eyes, you’ll never be what he wants, no matter how many times you try.
It took me a long time to realise that this was his problem, and not mine. Kind of like when you have a literal prince charming standing right in front of you offering everything you’ve ever wanted but for some reason you’d still rather spend time on the fuckboy that doesn’t text you back and only finds you interesting when he wants something. Or as a child if someone has bought you a brand-new toy from the store but you’d still rather play with the old one.
It’s a personal thing, but to them, not you – don’t take it personally if you’d walk miles for someone who wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s not your fault, it’s not because you’re not enough, it’s just because they’re the wrong person for you and that’s okay! We’re all different and I’ve learned to try and take it as a positive thing rather than a negative – you don’t want to surround yourself with the wrong people, you don’t need them as a part of your life, take it as a positive that you’ve realised this and allow yourself to move on, to find people who you will always be enough for no matter what.
If someone doesn’t want you they probably never will and that’s the harsh reality of it. As much as it hurts to think about, there comes a point where you have to stop racking your brains and driving yourself crazy over “what if I’d worn more makeup?”, “what if I’d dressed differently?”, “what if I’d toned down my humour a little?” – realise there is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of the situation, this person had already subconsciously made up their mind that you were not enough for them and because of that, you never would have been. I realise that now and so instead of beating myself up over the fact that “I wasn’t good enough” I realise that I was good enough, just not for them, but like I said, that’s their problem – not mine.
Whether this is friendships, relationships, even family members – for some people you will just not be enough because you are not what they’re looking for and that’s okay. It’s cruel to make someone believe they stand a chance as such, or maybe some people just don’t realise it until it’s too late, but let go of it all and know that you will always be enough for yourself and the right people will never let you feel like you aren’t good enough because you are, and you always have been.
All my love,