deep · personal

I have no idea what I’m doing

Hi loves,

So, I haven’t sat down and actually written a blog post for what seems like a while (I’ve just been posting drafts I’ve had saved) because I feel like I’ve had a headache for a week straight and I’m a little all over the place.

Basically, I have no idea what I’m doing.

I’ve had the attention span of a goldfish lately, I can’t concentrate on anything for more than a few minutes and keep getting distracted by absolutely everything. I start watching a Youtube video or a documentary on Netflix and I have to keep pausing it every 5 minutes because I’m thinking of other things instead. I start playing a song and then turn it off after 20 seconds because I’ve thought of something else I want to listen to instead. I feel like I’m five years old.

But I’m working with it, I’m not getting frustrated, I’m just feeling a bit bleh…like I can’t really commit to doing anything because I know that just as soon as I’ve started, I’m going to stop. Do you ever feel like nothing ever really seems to happen in your life and then all of a sudden everything decides to happen at once? I kind of feel like that at the moment and I guess it’s just thrown me off a bit, trying to work through it whilst having lots of realisations and then trying to figure out what I’m going to do after having said realisations, but at the same time still feeling like I’m standing completely still and nothing’s happening at all. Very weird. I’m fine though, I’m not feeling sad or angry or anything – just normal, but still everything is weird right now. I keep saying I’m going to throw myself into books and that’s what I’ve been doing. Books don’t let you down, they just let you be. Even though I’ve had a crappy attention span lately, I have actually been managing to pay attention to books, which is something I was struggling with beforehand and now I’m not. Like I said, weird. I think it’s because it allows my brain to switch off and stop thinking about stuff and rather just get sucked into the fictitious world I’m reading about, which I like very much. I’ve also been finding some new Booktubers on Booktube and watching their videos, as well as spending too much time on Goodreads. Lots of reading, basically. Like I said in my last post, I’ve been using my phone less and figuring out how to work around that too. On Saturday night I just switched it off and put it in a drawer and ended up sleeping like a baby – I had no alarm set for Sunday morning so I could afford to switch it off but now that we’re back to weekdays I’m having to leave it on again otherwise I won’t get up for work. Still figuring out how to work around that one.

I unfollowed lots of people on Instagram as I felt like my feed was clogged up with nothingness and also deleted a lot of numbers from my phone, which I do regularly (and probably shouldn’t), it also shoots me in the foot in a way because these people text me afterwards and I have to try and figure out who they are, which on one side is also kind of fun. Who knows, I feel like I’m a walking paradox lately. Internally conflicted about everything. Either at one end of the spectrum or the other, but constantly changing my mind about which end I want to be at. I think there was a new moon at some point too so maybe that’s got something to do with it, I feel like I am the whole universe and so every time something in it realigns and changes, so do I. I probably sound insane, but I’ve learned the best of us are.

I was talking about death with someone last week and they said that because they were older they had to make the most of everything as they never knew when their last day was going to be, I said to be fair, I could also die tomorrow, too. That’s when they looked at me, shook their head and smiled, they said

the devil looks after his own.”

Is it weird that I’ve never felt like I belonged somewhere more than in that moment?

I’ve been listening to the same album on repeat thinking about a time in my life I wish I could go back to whilst also not being able to get out of it, it’s like half of me is in one place and the other half is in another. I keep having random thoughts for no reason other than curiosity and when I Googled them it told me I was suicidal. I’m not. So I guess I’ll have to deal without answers for now, if anything I think it gave me more questions, which I don’t want to answer.

Is it weird if someone pours out their internal thoughts and conflicts onto a page? Does that weird people out or does it make them glad that someone else feels the same? I’m not sure. I feel like people aren’t real enough these days, they’re always hiding something. So am I, I have so many secrets and things I would never say out loud which leads to a lot of people misunderstanding me, which I guess I don’t mind either. How strange it is that all it would take would be a link to this blog and they’d understand me better, yet I don’t want to give it to them. If they find it then hi, if not then I guess they’ll never know.

I want you guys to feel like you know me, which is why I write all of these things here, because I don’t mind you hearing them. There’s something nice about being able to throw all of my thoughts into the abyss and know that they can’t come back on me, if that makes sense. They just get thrown out there and float, not doing anything.

I know this post won’t have made sense as it’s just me putting my thoughts out there, but I feel like I needed to write them down anyway, just because. Like I said, I’m not sad either, I’m pretty fine right now, just lots going on in my head. Sometimes I think my mind is too big.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

20 thoughts on “I have no idea what I’m doing

  1. I have the same problem with concentration because of depression – the chemical imbalance in your brain disrupts your concentration so some days I can read for hours and other days I can only read for five minutes. Perhaps this is also the case for yourself? xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are not alone with those thoughts. I also am more open on my blog and love the fact that I can just write about anything. I also remember so many times where I just couldn’t concentrate. This post was really so beautiful ❤️ Thank you for always being honest and real. This is something so rare nowadays like you said

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I love this post. I love how honest you are as a person and as a blogger, and I love that you write and post things unfiltered and real. This is why I love your blog so much. I know that when I read a post from you its authentic and genuine.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this line…I feel like people aren’t real enough these days, they’re always hiding something.
    In the last few years, I’ve tried to become really open and just kind of laugh at my mistakes. But lately I do try to keep more and more in. It’s almost like I’m tired of over-explaining myself and having to listen to opinions that are sometimes judgemental.
    I always manage to find where I relate in your posts, even if it’s not directly. I’m in a weird mood where, I feel like I have all these things going on, but at the same time I’m standing still. I’ve been having vivid dreams and jotting them down, each one is either me being trapped or running away. I keep trying to figure them out.
    You are never weird by the way, unless weird means incredibly interesting. Keep doing you and sharing your thoughts. I’m positive people read and feel 10 times better after. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahh I always love hearing your insight on things. I feel exactly the same way – I’m tired of constantly having to over explain myself, I’m very self aware but I get sick of feeling like I also have to prove to other people that I’m self aware, you know? Sometimes I’d rather just stay quiet and avoid the judgement. It’s very weird to feel like you’re doing everything and nothing at the same time, but maybe it’s not as uncommon as we think. Thank you so much for your lovely words, they always mean the world. I hope you feel better soon lovely .xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. I feel discombobulated and scattered most of the time. I’ve always had a difficult time staying focused unless I’m feeling really passionate about something in the moment. I read 5 different books on rotation, jump from one activity to the next. It’s surprisingly beneficial for me sometimes to do what feels natural, but at times I want to yank my hair out.

    What the hell is Booktube and why haven’t I heard of it?! I do book discussions every week and sometimes post them to YouTube, but have very slow traction. I’ve gotta check it out. I’ve started keeping my phone on silent and just checking it when I remember or need it. It feels risky that I might miss something important, but mostly I miss a shit ton of notifications that distract me. It’s been incredible the difference it’s made. Lastly, a big mind is a good thing and thank you for sharing.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I’ll either do 8 million things at once or nothing for days on end, it’s a weird experience. I too feel like pulling my hair out sometimes!! Booktube is basically the book side of Youtube where people do book hauls, tags, reviews etc. so interesting, I’m obsessed. I’m always getting great book recommendations from there and it’s always nice to discuss things in the comment. Get yourself into the Booktube-sphere (that made more sense in my head) and I’m sure you’ll get more traction, Booktubers always welcome newbies to the community. Thank you for reading!! xx


  6. Good for you for doing an Instagram refresh!! I did that a few months ago and I have seriously seen the benefits. I hear my friends talking about how they have jealously or FOMO towards others because of their social – I just don’t have that anymore!!

    Liked by 1 person

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