power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it

Hi loves,

You may remember a couple weeks ago when I wrote this post.

Well, in that post I mentioned that the whole thing that set off my anxiety / needing to get out, was because I read something I didn’t want to read. Without going into too much detail (because I don’t like to talk about people on my blog without their knowledge) I knew that this person felt a certain way about something but I knew that if I asked them outright they would have never told me so essentially I tricked them into saying it, basically. That probably sounds sly but it wasn’t, I just needed to hear them say this thing and once they said it I was like ok maybe it was better off not knowing because now, I’m freaking out a bit.

It showed me how much I’d changed as a person though – the way you react to a situation shows a lot about an individual and I was surprised at myself for how I reacted, in the sense that, I didn’t really react at all. Normally, a situation like that would essentially be the beginning of a self destructive path and the start of falling into a black pit of despair, but this time, the second I felt it coming I began to try and get rid of it (hence going for a drive and writing the post I just mentioned). I kind of just sat there afterwards and thought about it off and on, enough so that I could analyse it, but not enough that it would hurt me. Normally I overthink everything and send myself into bad moods, but not this time.

I was like well okay, I love myself a lot, it’s taken me years to get to this point and I want to protect myself at all costs therefore I’m not going to let this person hurt me, I’m going to do what I need to do and look after myself, so that’s what I did. It’s strange, I kind of just poured love into myself rather than going in the opposite direction of a downward spiral, instead I was like okay well maybe they don’t love me or want me, but I love me and want me and that’s enough. Their feelings towards me don’t reflect on myself, just because they don’t want me doesn’t mean I have to agree with them – I don’t.

Instead it gave me motivation actually, to just be the best version of myself possible and love and love and love myself. Without sounding silly I am quite fragile underneath the humorous exterior I put on, things do get to me and I feel them deeply so sometimes I just imagine myself as a child and I’m like okay, how would I deal with this if I really was a child – and the answer is I’d protect myself. I’d protect myself at all costs and look after myself and be kind to myself, and so that’s what I do. I think it showed me that the way I see myself doesn’t lie in the opinions of other people anymore, people used to hurt me and I used to hurt myself too because I believed them. I had no sense of self and so anything they said I agreed with, but it’s not true. It’s not me at all.

One of my favourite quotes that I’ve mentioned before actually, is “you are not measured by how others react to you” and it’s true – their feelings (or lack of, in this case) towards me are not a reflection of myself, it’s a reflection of them. I don’t have to listen. I’ve realised that in the past when people have hurt me and I’ve therefore hurt myself, I’ve been agreeing with these people because I’ve followed their actions, I’ve listened to what they’ve said and I’ve agreed with it by blaming myself and hurting myself too. I didn’t even realise this – maybe a lot of us don’t. This time though, I’m aware of it and I’m saying actually, I don’t agree with you. I don’t view myself in the same sad way as you do and I won’t punish myself because of it. I love myself and if you don’t want me that’s fine, it doesn’t even touch the sides – I love myself and as long as I have that, it’s all I need.

Still, it has been getting to me. I have to be realistic with these things – it’s going to play on my mind for a while and I have had a little cry here and there. I don’t cry that much these days anymore though, which may sound weird but I used to cry a lot and now I only cry like, twice a month when it used to be about twice a day, so that’s an improvement at least (!). My heart feels a little heavy but it’s nothing I haven’t done before and it’s definitely not as bad as the other times I’ve experienced it, which is also another positive – I’m trying to look on the bright side of things and be optimistic. I’m getting there. It shows how much I’ve grown at least, I’m going to be okay. I think I’m going to turn my phone off for a while and throw myself into some books.

Screen Shot 2018-07-14 at 22.23.05
Amanda Lovelace

I just felt like sharing this today because as time goes on and I grow as a person, I notice these little changes and differences in myself and I like to write them down as something to look back on and see how far I’ve come, really. We’re all constantly growing and changing and I’m glad that I’m going in the right direction. I hope you all are too.

“Power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it.”
– Madonna

All my love,

Chloe .xx

19 thoughts on “power is being told you’re not loved and not being destroyed by it

  1. I love your writing so much. It sounds like you do something similar to me where you use humor to cover up your actual feelings and emotions when in fact something has hurt you. It’s both a blessing and a curse. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is such a beautiful post. I love your honesty so much ❤️I also don’t cry anymore every day like I used to. We are really the same way. I also used to have a heavy feeling and feel sad when people bullied me or said bad and negative things about me. Now, I love myself more and know that I’m worth it. That quote is so beautiful and so true.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. ❤️ ❤️ ❤️ We really are the same!! I’m so glad you know you’re worth now angel because you’re amazing and don’t ever let anyone tell you different. I’LL FIGHT THEM .xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  3. This is everything Chloe!!! When I was younger I always felt like I had no control. No control over my life in general, my emotions and especially none over the people around me. It took me a long time to realise that most of it was all in my head. Now, if someone says something nasty to me I know that I don’t have to be distraught by it if I don’t let it. I can be the bigger person. And to me, that’s like I’ve won, nothing they say can affect me if I don’t let it. I feel like you are always able to capture your personal growth so perfectly on this blog.
    Lovely post as always and girl your writing is SO FREAKING BEAUTIFUL xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh girl, me too. I went through so much mental health crap I was all over the place, I just felt so lost. I really do believe it is a process that takes place with time and it really is true, a lot of the problems I created existed in my head and nowhere else, there was no reason for me to be feeling the way I did but I created so much negativity in my mind that everything was just a mess. You’re completely right in everything you’ve said and I agree 100% – these things don’t even have to touch the sides. Your words mean so much to me as always and I appreciate them so so much you have no idea, thank you for always being so wonderful. Sending you so much love!! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this so so much, honestly this blog is so beautiful Chloe because it’s like a capsule of your self-growth and self-love and it’s such a powerful journey to get to watch. I love that you’re choosing how you respond and not letting shit get you down. We can’t control other people’s feelings – and they can’t either. I mean, how many times have you had a PERFECT boy in front of you and tried begging yourself to love him and just….not been able to? They’re still perfect, you not loving them doesn’t make them any less. Why don’t we give ourselves the same benefit of the doubt? All my love your way girly xxx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. You’re gonna make me cry !! Omg. Thank you so much, you have no idea how much that means. It took a long time for me to realise it but once the penny finally dropped that was it for me, and it’s exactly what you said – you cannot control someone else’s thoughts, feelings or actions. Once I realised that there was nothing I could do to change the outcome of a situation I had no control over, it was such a big pressure off of my mind. If someone wants to do something, they’re going to do it regardless of anything you try and do to change that. And exactly!! I’ve had so many good people in front of me before that I’ve wanted to love but just…couldn’t, and I was kicking myself for it because I was like why? That’s a good person right there!! Ties in with the whole thing of me tricking myself into liking people because it’s convenient and would make them happy, which is something you should never do and I myself will never do it again, but it’s all a learning process I guess. Your words mean so much to me as always, sending you all the love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. It makes me so happy to read this because as I’ve gotten older, I’ve learned to realize just how much power I have over my emotions. Just like you, I used to think the hell out of everything. It wasn’t in a productive way, but a feeding my misery type of way. It can be so tough to break out of that, but once we get on that road it keeps getting easier to snap ourselves out of it and breathe through it. Good for you, girlie!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! Honestly it’s never going to be an easy ride but definitely a worthwhile one, it’s going to take time but I hope we all manage to get there someday. I’m glad you’ve had the realisation too (I also used to think the hell out of everything, I still do, just not in such a negative way thankfully) but I agree, it’s so tough to break out of. Sending love xx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Your posts always seem to come at the perfect time in my life – this has literally been on my mind since the start of the month, and I don’t know if it’s just getting older, maturing or whatever, but the way I react to things now, the way I feel when things don’t go my way and how I choose to respond to people who choose to be shitty are vastly different to how I did so not even a few months ago. This was so beautifully written, as per usual Chloe, and you capture that entire feeling so perfectly. I hope you feel better soon and continue kicking ass xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Wooooow Priya you flatter me girl, honestly I think it is just an age thing – time and experiences changes you (hopefully) for the better and I really believe that’s what this is. Life is all one big learning experiencing and I’d like to think the more time we spend here, the wiser we get. Sometimes without even realising which seems to have been the case for me, but I think that just shows true growth as it’s something you’re not even consciously implementing, it just kind of happens.Thank you for your lovely words as always, I appreciate you and your words so much!! xxx

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.