First of all, thank you for the amount of love you gave me in me in my last post. I was so nervous and can’t believe how well it was received, it means more to me than you know, so thank you endlessly- you inspire me to keep doing this, I have so much love for you all.
As for today’s post, in light of recent events I thought it was an appropriate time to say this – I’ve had it stored in my notes for a while now and was originally going to post it on Instagram but never did. Maybe it will have a better home here instead.
I don’t think there are enough words in the English language to express how thankful I am for you, Demetria Lovato. I was 14 in a really bad place & the only thing that saved me was knowing you were my best friend, even though you didn’t know who I was. I could sit here & say it’s cliché to write about how you saved my life because everyone says that these days, but it’s not cliché – it’s amazing, and I’ve also stopped giving a fuck about what other people think. It shows how many lives you have and continue to save each day, because I know you saved mine. I also know you’d say you didn’t save my life, I saved my own, and maybe I did, but I don’t want to imagine what things would have been like if you weren’t there, I genuinely don’t know what I would’ve done without you. You gave me a role model, a brave and strong woman to look up to and I know nobody’s perfect and we hide things and still fuck up sometimes but even so, from the day I was 14 & you were 19, you were everything I wanted to be. These songs have gotten me through the darkest times in life and though I pray I never have to go back there again, I know that if I did, you’d be there to guide me like the light in the dark you always have been. You sang every word I needed to hear and gave me something I could never repay you for. I used to draw your tattoos on my wrists so I wouldn’t cut them and I used to lie in bed at night with your music playing while I cried and cried because I was so scared of being so young with so much sadness in me that I didn’t know what to do with. You were something I could call my own from the very beginning because you were someone I didn’t have to share with anybody else. My best friend knew how much you meant to me and she would tell me all the time that her dream was for me to see you one day because she knew that both of you were the only ones keeping me here and it breaks my heart that now, we’ll never be able to share that experience together because it was all we ever talked about, we had planned it more times than I can remember. She would get so excited about the thought of us seeing you because I think that out of everything she wanted for me, this was the one she hoped for the most, she even told me she would stay and camp for tickets with me if we had to, because there was no way she was going to let me miss out. After she left it was just me and you then, and you were the only thing I listened to until I swore I was singing in my sleep. I don’t remember enough from that time because the whole thing is blurry, but after the Summer it was grey and it rained a lot and all I did was listen to your voice because I couldn’t connect with anything else, I don’t know how long I was asleep for but all I know is that I couldn’t go anywhere without my headphones because I didn’t know if I could make it through the day without you. I felt like the whole world was against me and the only thing that kept me sane was knowing I still had you at the end of it, I could put my headphones in and be free.
I can’t believe I’m 20 now and still here, in a sea full of people who love you just as much as I do. This is between us. I’m stood with survivors and I have never felt more at home. Thank you for literally being my best friend since I was 14 years old and telling me to hold on, because it was worth it. A lot has happened in 6 years and every day is a battle but I’m still doing it, we’re doing it together. I wait for the day I get to meet you and tell you all of this in person but until then, I am so happy with what I have. I love you Demi and I will never leave you, just like you have never left me
I’ve said it before in this post and I will say it again, but I don’t believe you have to personally know somebody in order for you to care about them or miss them, there are artists I would be distraught over if anything were to ever happen to them, I would grieve for them like one of my own. Artists save lives. Real bands save fans. Real fans save bands. There are a handful of artists that mean the world to me that I would be nothing without, they’ve saved me in ways I could never repay them for. Since I was 12 years old I’ve looked to these people for a source of happiness and at 20 years old I still continue to do so. It’s a different kind of love now though, it’s more human, it’s more mature, it’s knowing that there are people in this world who you will love forever and even if you don’t know them, that’s okay. I love them and I appreciate them and I’m so glad I’ve had them throughout the short time I’ve been in this world because looking back now, I don’t know how I would have managed without them. I still can’t. I don’t believe I ever could.
If something were to ever happen to Demi I don’t know what I’d do, she saved my life and it makes me ache that I can’t save hers. I hope she’s okay. There are people that get me through my bad days and provide me with music that has become the soundtrack to my life, and I am grateful for all of them. Harry, Lana, Frank, Ari, Demi, BTS – what would we do without music? What would we do without these people? I don’t know. I don’t think I’d still be here if they didn’t exist.
They’re not invincible though, they’re human too. They make mistakes like the rest of us and they need help sometimes. Now that I’m older, I understand and see these people as human rather than these God like figures that just constantly perform and make music and appear on chat shows. They get tired and lonely and they’re overworked and I care about their wellbeing and I want them to be happy and feel okay, even if that means they have to take a break from music for the next 10 years. Too many people suffer in silence and it’s heart breaking, I wish people were more mindful of the things they said and posted on the internet – you never know who’s hurting.
Sending love and light to Demi and every other artist out there who has to struggle behind closed doors – we hear you, we see you, you’re only human and we love you regardless. I wish everyone could be happy, I wish it more than anything.
All my love,