not so deep (chatty)

I think I’ve figured it out

My whole life I’ve never really known what I wanted to do ‘when I grew up’ – I’ve never had a set passion for anything in particular other than writing and therefore English, but I didn’t feel like there were many options for me down that route. People always told me I should be an English teacher, but I also had a passion for wanting to travel as well – I thought about combining the two and teaching abroad, but I never felt like I could. I thought about becoming a primary school teacher but of course, you need a degree and that’s something I don’t have. I never went to university nor do I want to, not because I have anything against it, but because I feel the social aspect of things would waste time and I also can’t afford to sit out of the ‘real world’ for 4 years while I spend my time trying to earn my name on a piece of paper. It’s just not me.

I’ve never known what I wanted to do though I have to keep reminding myself that I’m still so young – I’m 20, I still have so much time yet I constantly sit here panicking believing I should have everything already worked out by now. Recently a lot of pennies have been dropping for me and I feel like I’m kind of putting ideas together and thinking actually…maybe I could do that. I feel so determined to the point where it’s become something realistic for me, something tangible that I feel would actually work, an achievement I could actually have, something that suits me and interests me and therefore makes me even more determined to achieve it. Like Chloe, you never believe in yourself or you’re always too realistic with things to the point where you’re scared to even dream at all, but you can do this because you have it in you and you have the determination to work hard.

I feel like I’m kind of taking control of things, you know? I’ve never really had a plan. I did when I was younger, you’re kind of taught that your life needs to adhere to a certain timeline and that you need to do what everyone else is doing – as I got older I realised that actually, that wasn’t me and it wasn’t what I wanted. At first, I kind of felt like I’d failed, like I’d given myself less than I deserved, like I could have done so much more with what I had but chose not to because it “didn’t feel like me” and I could’ve probably pushed through it.

Yes Chloe… pushed through it, hated it and regretted it.

I’m so glad I didn’t do that now. In the long run I’m so glad I chose the path that I did rather than the path I was ‘supposed’ to follow because guess what? I’ve achieved a lot and I don’t give myself enough credit for it. Yes I could still do more, but so can everyone – there’s always going to be further you can push yourself, there’s always going to be better ways of utilising your time, there’s always going to be more books you could read, more things you could learn…the list goes on. I need to stop beating myself up for the things I could be doing and instead start praising myself for the things I am doing. For example, if I read 10 books in a week, I’d do it and then think…if I’d have spent my time better I could’ve probably read another 2 on top of that, and then I’ll beat myself up for not doing as much as I could have done. I’ve no idea why I do this but I need to stop, basically. There’s always room for more – all of us as a collective could always be doing more because that’s part of life – there’s always going to be something else, there’s always going to be room for growth, progression is a never ending thing – there is no finale, it’s a constant, and this is what I need to remind myself.

I’ve said this before in other posts but I feel like sometimes I have a lot of free time to spend and instead of being productive with it, I procrastinate and waste it instead. What the hell I’m supposed to be doing with it instead I have no idea, because the problem with me is that I don’t really have a set direction that I’m going in, I don’t have a plan so I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing with my time in order to get to where I need / want to be, because I don’t know where that is. Make sense? I always feel like I could be doing more but I don’t know what, though I guess that also could be put down to the fact I put a lot of pressure on myself to achieve things because I feel like I’m capable of it, I spent a long time quietly believing in myself but never really pushing myself to do anything because I didn’t have the confidence and now I’m like, just go for it Chloe – what do you have to lose?

The free time that I do have though has so far allowed me to start up little things to get me where I want to be – this blog as a prime example. I feel like I’ve filled such a huge creative space that was in me before and I’m so grateful I decided to create my blog because I genuinely don’t know what I’d do without it now. It’s such a creative outlet for me and just another thing that allows me to take another step in my journey of being where I want to be – this blog wouldn’t be half of what it was if I didn’t have the time to create content for it and work on it, so in that case I’d say that set of spare time is very well spent.

What about the other spare time I have though, what am I doing with it to help myself? “The biggest project you’ll ever work on is you” – I constantly want to be working on bettering myself, educating myself, becoming a greater person etc. I always want to be learning and fulfilling the things inside of me, which I’m very grateful that I have the opportunity to do because of where I currently am in life – like I said, I have a lot of free time for personal endeavours which a lot of people don’t have the luxury of, so I want to make sure I utilise the time as best I can. If I don’t know what direction I’m headed in though, how do I spend the time?

I don’t mean this in a negative way because actually, I’m glad I don’t have a plan – I’m glad I don’t have a schedule that my life needs to stick to. I prefer the term “ideas” – I have ideas of what I want to do, I don’t know for sure because I’m still experimenting but there’s no harm in trying, right? The point of this post (which I immediately managed to stray away from because we all know how much I like to ramble) was to say that I think I have an idea that I can run with, finally. A plan? No. I have no idea what I’m doing, only organised people have plans and structured lives and I don’t believe I’ll be one of them anytime soon, but I have an idea that I think could go somewhere. It fulfils things in me and is a great way to fill up my free time, it’s something I’m genuinely going to enjoy working on and doing and something I can actually see myself sticking at (for once) – I’m one of those people who get really excited about something, try it for a couple of weeks and then completely fall out of love with it and move onto the next idea. Nothing ever seems to really grab my attention for very long but I can genuinely see myself sticking at this because it’s worth something, its going to benefit me (it’s educational and recreational at the same time) – I’m going to want to do it because I enjoy it and if I ever begin to lose interest, the determination to actually continue with it because it’s going to benefit me is going to kick in (so basically this is me being confident that I won’t give up this time, let’s see how long this lasts). Either way, it’s exciting. Like I said, I usually enjoy something for 2 weeks, lose motivation and then give up but I feel like if I’d have just pushed through that in the past then I would’ve been able to carry on with things and actually get somewhere. I always give up too easily because I don’t have enough confidence in myself to do things (apparently a problem I’ve had my whole life) but this time is going to be different, I will do this (and if I don’t can you all shout at me please thanks).

I’m not gonna say what the thing is because I don’t wanna jinx it but in a few months if I’m still sticking at it I’ll probably write another post talking about how I’m getting on and I’ll explain it all there. Plus, if I do stick at this for a good amount of time, I can look back on this post in a year or two and think huh…look how far I’ve come! I’ve said this before but that’s another thing I love about having this blog – being able to document my thoughts. Let’s see how well this one goes…

All my love,

Chloe .xx

13 thoughts on “I think I’ve figured it out

  1. I’m excited for you and happy for you even though you didn’t said what it’s. You go girl ❤️ I also loose interest fast in things so I understand you so well. I have to have more confidence in myself too but I’m learning it. I still don’t know what I want to be but I guess nobody ever knows. We just have to try stuff and we will see 😊

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I cannot believe you made me read this entire post not to tell me what you have decided to go!!! I hope whatever it is, it is everything you hope it to be and I look forward to hearing about it shortly. xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Chloe. This post rings many bells with me. It could be something I wrote once (oh, and I probably will again! – thoughts like these have never left me – they fade, but never leave). It seems to me that you fill your spare time very well, very thoughtfully – there have to be 1000 words there ^ and you know as well as I that such work takes time, energy, thought, passion & determination: you could have spent the morning doing something else; looking out the window, moving things around the flat, scrolling, TV, zzzzzzzz…

    At 54 (that can’t be right?) I still wonder what I shall do with my life. Perhaps I’ll still be an astronaut, a rock star, an author, a parent… But, in lucid moments I realise that I am doing just what I like… my blogging, my music, my writing, my work, blah blah blah.

    Pace and perseverance, my friend. Life still throws out challenges and choices to be accepted or rejected. Thankfully.

    I have to agree with you. I never thought that a degree was for me either. Then, at 30, I changed my mind (English).
    At 34, I took an MA (creative writing)…

    …I’m still a hairdresser! LOL! But that’s what I like! I know my Sylvia Plath fringe, my Graham Greene tint, my Orwellian perm!

    I look forward to hearing more of your new adventure!
    Peace/Enjoy. x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. In some ways I think many of us will always be left wondering what we want to do ‘when we grow up’ and I think that’s okay because really, do any of us actually know what we’re doing? Or what we want to do? I think deciding on one thing limits us too much and for me it’s more about a direction rather than trying to give myself a title in the sense of “Hi, I’m this.”, because I don’t want to limit myself to just being one thing, I can be many things and I’m experimenting with that lately because hey, what have I got to lose? This was really insightful and thank you for sharing, also thank you for reassuring me that I’m spending my spare time well (because you’re right, I could be wasting it watching TV etc.!). If I went to university I would have studied creative writing so who knows, maybe I’ll be 34 and making the same choice as you did!! I hope you find enjoyment in all of the things you choose to do anyway. Take comfort in the fact that really, I think we’re all like that on the inside.

      P.S. – 54 is a great age!!

      Chloe x

      Liked by 2 people

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