I wrote this post a few weeks ago when I was having a bad day, I don’t feel like this today (I’m actually quite happy right now) but I thought I’d share anyway in case there’s someone that needs to read this today. All the love.
Finally, someone put it into a video.
This is how I feel today (though who am I kidding, I feel like this most days). I don’t want to exist today, or interact I guess. I just want to get into bed and sleep, even though I’m not tired and lying in bed is probably the last thing I need.
Nothing is interesting to me, I literally don’t want to do anything. The thought of doing any kind of action makes me think “oh God”. I feel so…unmotivated. Nothing sounds good to me, nothing feels exciting, I’m just kind of sitting here in this black and white world thinking okay…when is someone going to bring some light in? I’m trying. I’m trying so hard. I’m not letting it consume me because I’m so aware of it but honestly I feel like a child. I was watching a baby programme the other day and all I could think of was wow, I wish I was one of them. It sounds ridiculous, I know…but I honestly just feel like a small child sometimes. In some ways I wish I was. Someone to decide everything for me and I’d have no real worries and I could cry when I wanted to and someone would pick me up and hug me etc. I literally sat there being jealous of a baby because I just thought wow, for one day can someone take care of me like that? I’m sure we’ve all had that moment.
It’s so boring. I’m bored. I’m bored of my own brain. I wish I could take all of the unwanted stuff out and keep the rest. I’m sad today but not because I’m actually sad…if that makes sense, I’m just sad because my brain feels sad, other than that I just feel bored. I feel like I’m half asleep and I want to wake up but I can’t because this illness or these chemicals in my brain outweigh the rest of me and I can’t necessarily fight that. I can’t outweigh science. Am I even making sense?
I can’t even smile at people today because I just don’t have the energy, I don’t feel like it, I don’t want to do anything or exist, I just want to sit in the corner wrapped in a blanket and watch the world go by. I don’t want to interact or talk or do anything, I just want to be.
But I can’t.
Because life goes on and the Earth still spins and you still have to live your day to day life even though on the inside I’m thinking oh my God I need to be on my own right now, but I always feel that way. It’s like there’s two parts of me – the sad part and the normal part, and right now the normal part is me writing this and venting my frustration at the fact I don’t want to feel this way today but I can’t help it.
I’m feeling claustrophobic in my own body and while I’ve had this feeling a few times before it’s never been in this exact way. It’s like, I want to be in my body, but just not the way it is. It’s such a weird feeling I don’t know how to even begin explaining it…it’s like, my tattoos, I don’t want them on my body right now. For the first time ever I wish I didn’t have them because I just don’t want them on my skin. Like, they’re trapped on my skin and I have this urge to just wipe them all off because I want to be a blank page right now. I always wear long acrylics too and now all I want is to just take them off and have blank fingers…empty hands. I don’t know. It’s like I just want to be blank…nothing. I can’t look down at my skin because every time I see the ink on it I’m thinking oh God I don’t want it I don’t want it. I want to just erase everything on my body and be blank, I just don’t want anything there at all and it’s freaking me out because I know that can’t happen. I’ll be okay in however many days / weeks but right now I just need everything off and of course, that’s impossible. It’s making me feel like I can’t breathe.
Do you ever have that feeling where no thing is the right thing – I need to speak to someone but no person is the right person, I need a hug but I don’t know who from, I want to listen to music but no song is the right song, I was driving to work this morning and just skipping every single one, it’s like I couldn’t even hear it…nothing fits. I feel like this all the time and it drives me insane because it’s like I’m searching for something but I don’t know what. Dodie also mentioned this in her video which gave me a little bit of comfort too because it’s nice to know I’m not the only one that experiences this feeling. It’s like…you need something and you want something, but you don’t know what – nothing feels right. I don’t know what the hell I’m searching for but I know full well I haven’t found it.
I know who Dodie is but I don’t watch her videos however, this one came up in my recommended and of course I clicked it. It just felt comfortable to watch because that’s how I feel, like I just want to sit in scruffy clothes with messy hair and talk about the fact that I’m aware this isn’t reality and I won’t feel this way forever but today I do and my brain is just not co operating and everything is boring and I can’t focus and nothing is capturing my attention and so on. It was just comforting to watch. I wanted to share it in case anyone else hadn’t seen it or needed to watch it again.
I hope you’re all okay, and thank you as always for letting me ramble on about the things in my head that never really seem to quite make any sense these days.
All my love,