she used to be mine

Hi loves,

I’ve been feeling emotional this past week for seemingly no reason whatsoever, I don’t know if there’s been a retrograde or new moon or if the cosmos are generally just having a switch around but I’ve had a really emotional week. Not in a bad way, I haven’t felt sad or anything…just very overwhelmed with emotion, like anything is going to make me cry at any moment.

I’ve felt very connected to myself lately in the sense that I’ve had a lot of overwhelming love for myself as a human being – I’m forgiving myself. A lot of the not so nice things that have happened in my life I didn’t deserve – I didn’t deserve the outcomes that I got. I didn’t deserve the number of days I was given, I didn’t deserve the loss and the sadness and the ache and the pain. I didn’t deserve to be so sad so young and I didn’t deserve to go through what I did, when all I wanted was love and nice things. I didn’t deserve it, and now I’m taking it back and allowing myself to acknowledge and accept that I didn’t deserve it, because for a long time I felt like I did.

When I think back to my past self, I see a young, beautifully innocent and broken girl who deserved nothing but love, she was fragile and she was scared and people didn’t know what to do with her. They didn’t know how to handle her or understand her so she locked herself away thinking that she was always the problem, thinking she’d be better off if other people didn’t have to deal with her because she was a burden to everybody.

I still feel that way in small doses, I still feel like a burden to most people, but when I think back to my younger self I feel so sad, because the person I used to be was so worthy and deserving of love and happiness, I just didn’t realise it at the time. I never thought I deserved anything good, because it felt like my whole life all I’d ever received was the bad.

After having an emotional time this week,Β I was driving home and decided to put on a playlist of my songs. When I say my songs, I mean songs that represent me as a person – songs that other people would hear and think of me, songs that mean a lot to me, songs that were prominent in my childhood and significant at different stages in my life. The playlist that is simply, me.

As each song played, I felt like I was sat in the car with…myself. Like I was holding my own hand and remembering myself for who I’d been and who I was yet to become, like I was taking the time to remember and get to know myself, because I know that the only person who will ever play and listen to this collection of songs, is me. I’m always playing songs and listening to music thinking about other people – I never play those songs and think about myself. I was reminded of different times in my life and it was emotional but very much needed, it was a warm and strange feeling to know that every song playing had been hand picked by me, about me and for me – little Chlo alone in her car feeling like she needed some time to figure out how to love herself.

It was raining and it was gloomy and so it was of course, my favourite weather. I felt very zoned out, like I was in my own little bubble playing the songs that made up my life. When I get into these emotional states I need a good cry just to let it all out, and it’s not a bad thing. It’s good to cry, it’s okay. Like I said, I’ve felt very emotional and overwhelmed lately, but I haven’t felt sad – I wasn’t down or depressed or upset, I was just emotional – my eyes just felt like they were ready to let out an endless flow of tears at any moment.

Halfway through my journey home, a song started playing that I had added to the playlist 2 years ago. It was a song that I had found myself on the internet way back when, but it felt like the lyrics related / described me nicely and so I’d added it to the list. This playlist of ‘me’ songs is very specific and there’s not many on there – only the songs that are truly me down to the ground go on it. I imagine it’s something I’d give to people if they wanted to know who I was, or if I was about to die and I wanted to give people something to remember me by – I’d give them this playlist and tell them to think of me, and hopefully by the end of it they’d understand me a little better.

The song in question was She Used To Be Mine by Sara Bareilles, I’d discovered it when searching for songs that would help me grieve for the death of my best friend, because sometimes music is the only thing that helps to ease the pain. Of course, going into that song I was always listening to it with the mindset that it was for someone else, because that’s what I was trying to relate it to. However, after listening to it a few times I realised it wasn’t about that, it was about me, and so I added it to my playlist and never really listened to it much after that. The lyrics described everything perfectly, but it was a song I never really felt like I wanted to listen to because I wasn’t sure how much I actually liked the sound of it. I never forgot about it though, I always remembered that it was a song that existed, with those scarily relatable lyrics.

Like I said, I was having an out of body experience almost as I was driving, because it was like I was looking at myself as two different people. I was driving the car, playing songs about a girl who I loved and who I used to know, even though that girl was myself. This song came on and suddenly everything around me just slowed down, and all I could hear were the words.

she’s imperfect, but she tries
she is good, but she lies
she is hard on herself
she is broken and won’t ask for help
she is messy, but she’s kind
she is lonely most of the time
she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie
she is gone, but she used to be mine

When the second line of the chorus began… –Β she is good, but she lies – I broke down.

She is hard on herself, she is broken and won’t ask for help. She is messy, but she’s kind, she is lonely most of the time.

I was sobbing, uncontrollably hand over mouth, making nosies sobbing.

I was still trying to drive at this point, I couldn’t see out of the windscreen because it was raining and I couldn’t stop crying and I was trying to navigate myself around speed bumps with only one hand on the wheel because the other was covering my mouth as I was trying to quieten down my sobs. It was like something inside me just broke, I’d heard this song before and knew it was about me, but I’d never had the emotional reaction to it that I did in that moment. There’s a difference between knowledge and feeling – I knew the song was about me, but I hadn’t felt it yet, until now.

It was like the string tied around my heart just snapped, I was crying for the girl I’d been trying to reach, I wanted to hold her hand and tell her that she didn’t deserve it, she didn’t deserve the cards she was dealt and she warranted for better. She deserved better but she got through it anyway, and I was sorry. I loved her and I was sorry. This girl was me, and I was sorry. I was forgiving myself.

if i’m honest, i know i would give it all back
for a chance to start over and rewrite an ending or two
for the girl that i knew

I wanted to rewrite my endings, rewrite things for the girl who wanted better but could never quite get there. I wanted that for her, I wanted to be the one who gave it to her because she needed it, my God she needed it and I wanted to be the one to have the amount of love it takes to give that to a person. To give that to myself.

I had a lot of love for Chloe in that moment, I had a lot of love for her and I was holding her hand and forgiving her and letting her know that it was okay. She was loved and she is loved and she deserves only good things because she’s so inherently good and honest but she’s terrified and scared and fragile and has no idea what she’s doing and she’s messy and she lies because it’s easier than telling the truth and she hides and shies away from the rest of the world but I know she deserves better, she deserved better.

You deserved more than what you were given, Chlo, and I’m angry and I’m sorry you felt like you didn’t for so long.

I’m a very fragile person and I only ever want good things – I constantly need reassurance that I’m a good person but no one ever tells me I am, and so all I do is worry and overthink – no one ever tells me I am, because it’s not something you generally do. I know so many good people, but when was the last time I told them they were good? I don’t remember, because I just assume they already know, but what if they’re like me and they don’t. What if they’re like me and need that reassurance too. Sometimes it’s almost like I envision myself on the floor, begging on my knees for people to tell me that despite what I think, I am a good person. I’m good and I’m kind and the paranoia that I’ve created in my head, doesn’t exist.

Anyway, I pulled over in the end because I was crying so hard I couldn’t see properly nor could I drive since I didn’t know where to put my hands, so I parked on the side of the road and held my face in my hands instead and cried. For myself. For past me, present me and future me. And then I dried my eyes, checked my makeup in the mirror, and carried on driving.

I went home after that, but only physically, because the truth is, I’m always home. Home is within myself. Home is not the place where you lay your head at night, home is wherever you are. Wherever I am. Home is wherever Chloe is, so really I was there all along, it just took me many years to realise it.

she is messy, but she’s kind
she is lonely most of the time
she is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine.

18 thoughts on “she used to be mine

  1. It sounds like this was a real turning point for you and I hope that things keep on getting better from this point onwards. I know for me, there was a point when I was depressed that I decided to just say ‘fuck this’ and make changes in my life to be happier. I think for a long time I was under the impression that someone else had the power to make me happy but it was me all along. I still get down from time to time but I am in a much better place now than I was then and I am proud to say it was all my own doing (with the help of medication and therapy). xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It definitely was, I feel like I’m having a lot of turning points lately and it’s really nice. I think once you truly learn that only you can change your life because you’re the sole one in charge of it, things really start to change. Thank you for sharing this, I’m glad you’re in a much better place now than you were before .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. This is super weird because it’s super similar to something i faced last year!!! Like im so shocked rn, the only difference was i was forgiving people who caused me pain and listening to my rainy day playlists and writing in my journal. Interested how it started through music just like me. Ahh music is really super powerful and brings back a bunch of memories.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. This is so beautiful written! 😍 I love that song so much. I heard it one day in a Spanish talentshow and then searched it on YouTube. The lyrics is so reletable. Forgiving ourselves is important. We don’t do that too often. I also always want people telling me I’m a good person. I feel your words. You are a beautiful goddess who deserves happiness, all the love in the world and yes all the good things πŸ’— I love you

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much angel! It’s a beautiful song, right? Beautiful lyrics. Love you so much, thank you for being your wonderful and supportive self as always, I appreciate it more than you know πŸ’™x

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Wow. I don’t really have the words to express how this made me feel. But I’m very grateful you shared this, thank you. I wish you nothing but happiness, have an amazing day ❀

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Chloe, I have missed your writing SO. DAMN. MUCH. You always make me feel real and raw… I’m glad you’re starting to forgive yourself, you deserve all the happiness in the world ❀ beautiful song too!

    Liked by 1 person

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