life is exhausting

Life is so exhausting. Like honestly, exhausting. Everything is an effort, everything overwhelms me, life overwhelms me to the point I struggle to function. I’m so tired. I have no energy, and I’m so very tired. My mental health is really going down the drain at the minute. I don’t even have the energy to write this. I’m struggling so much and I don’t have the energy to try and get myself out of it. I’ve been leaving work early basically every day this week because right now making it through the whole day in one piece is impossible for me. I literally haven’t left my bed. I’ve just been lying in the dark because I don’t have the energy to do anything else. I don’t feel like I want to do anything at all.

I don’t want to exist right now but I don’t want to die either. I just want to be. I’m so tired. I cannot stress how exhausted I feel. Everything is such an effort and a chore and I’m just so, so tired. I know the only person who can fix this and get myself out of it is me, but right now I can’t even find the energy to be bothered enough to try or even care. I feel like I could just sleep for a million years.

I don’t know where this even came from, there’s been no big trigger that has flipped the switch, it just happened. And this is the annoying thing, because this is the way it always happens for me –  one minute I’m fine and the next I’m not. It gets to a point where you’re tired of fighting and right now, I’m tired. In time I’ll get up and fight back but right now I just don’t have the energy, so I’m choosing to wallow in it instead. I simply don’t have the energy to do anything else. I don’t even have the energy to cry, I just feel numb.

There are so many sad people in the world and it breaks my heart to know so many beautiful souls feel this way and have to go through these things because it’s like walking through hell but never getting out of the other side. That makes my heart really, really ache. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that there’s so much sadness and pain and I wish I could take it away from everyone, because I wouldn’t wish these feelings on my worst enemy.

Sorry to make this about Kpop again but I feel like all my posts end up coming back to this at some point. I was thinking about Jonghyun today and how we share/d the same sadness and that got me really choked up because I know this is how he must have felt. I then went onto the internet and saw that my favourite member of one of my favourite Kpop groups had left and had his contract terminated because of something that happened a couple of years ago. He was in a really bad place and so turned to drugs to numb the pain – he went to purchase some but then decided not to take them in the end, but because of the fact he went to purchase them he’s now left the group and his position as leader and has had his contract terminated. From what I can gather it was a mutual decision between the company and himself but in my eyes he did nothing wrong and shouldn’t feel as though he has to leave because none of us want him to. This isn’t me being biased because I love Kpop – if someone does something wrong, they do something wrong – however, I don’t believe he did anything wrong here at all. He was really struggling and so turned to something that a lot of people turn to in order to ease / numb the pain, but he didn’t even go through with it and take them in the end anyway! He decided against it. People turn to drugs, alcohol, self harm, etc. in order to ease depression and he clearly needed help at that time (and probably still does) yet never received this. He needs help, love and support instead of losing his career because he did nothing wrong and he has nothing to be sorry for. He’s human just like the rest of us. I then started thinking about Mac Miller and that whole drug thing and it was just one big whole cycle of holy fuck this is so unfair. Really it is, and I’m so sorry to everyone. I wish I could change things and make it all better.

Sorry this post probably doesn’t really make sense and isn’t even a proper full post but as I said at the beginning I don’t even have the energy to write this. I wish I did. I just need somewhere to talk and to let people know they’re not alone. I really struggle with life, it overwhelms me and I find it difficult to get through. Every day is a battle – one that I have no interest in trying to fight right now because I’m exhausted – but one day I’ll try again.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

33 thoughts on “life is exhausting

  1. So I am officially the worst blogger friend ever and I am so sorry it has taken me so long to read and comment, but I am sending you all the love and hugs your way. You deserve to be so happy and I am sorry life has been kicking you in the ass and I really hope things have improved since you uploaded this. But also thank you, thank you for sharing this and being the voice we all need to hear. You are a wonderful human being and I am sending light your way xxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No no you’re not at all !! Don’t be silly 💞 thank you so much angel, it really means the most and I am feeling significantly better than I was when I wrote this post. Thank you for your words as always, sending all the love and light right back at you ✨xxx


  2. I think every one who has commented has pretty much said what I would say but know that this feeling will not last forever. As Fiona said, mental health is never a straight line and sometimes it fluctuates for no reason whatsoever and we just have to accept it. Take peace in the fact that because mental health is never a straight line, there will be a time when it will get better again and all will feel do-able again. If you ever feel the need to talk, you know where to find me. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  3. u and your writing are beautiful, chloe 🙂 i wish one day i can write like u because basically english is not my first language but i love to write and read in english ><

    jonghyun, everytime i thought abt him, i cry. his pain. that made him leave. that pain. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was the cutest comment ever and it made me smile so much, thank you 💙 I’m sure your writing is equally as beautiful in both languages!
      Every time I think about Jonghyun my heart aches, I just wish I could hug him. I wish we could’ve taken away that pain before it was too late. I like to think he’s in a better place now, free from it all. I’m sure he is. He’s soaring .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. My heart goes out to you, Chloe. Being in a tough mental state myself right now, I totally understand where you’re coming from. All I can really say is that… It does get better. Mental health is never a straight line. That doesn’t make it less exhausting though, I know. The worst times sometimes come out of nowhere, with no warning whatsoever. There aren’t always triggers that set it all off. Sometimes it’s something else entirely. Sometimes it’s nothing at all but it still gets to us. “I just want to be” – let yourself. I always think that sometimes you just need to let yourself be in that state for a while, sometimes you don’t even have a choice in the matter. Sometimes everything gets too much and it overwhelms you and THAT’S OKAY. The most important thing is to have someone to talk to, someone who will listen. Someone who will be there for you and let you get all of those confusing thoughts out of your head. I am so proud of you for being so positive even in the midst of all of this. I know it might not seem like your anything right now, but your ability to recognize that ok, you might not be ready to fight just yet but you WILL BE AGAIN is beyond inspiring. It is hopeful. And that assures me that you can get through this. You can get through anything. Sending you so much love xxxxxxdd

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Fiona 💙 thank you. As always. You always know the right thing to say and I swear we’re the same person sometimes because I forever end up reading your words and thinking yes, yes and yes. Sometimes I just wake up and instantly I know it’s going to be a bad day – I haven’t even gotten out of bed yet nor has the day started but I just know it’s going to be awful and there’s nothing I can do about it. Writing this post I really was in the state of mind of, I know it’s going to be okay and I know that eventually I’ll feel better again, but right now I don’t and I’m too tired to fight it so instead I’m just going to accept it and let it be. Sometimes I just can’t fight and you’re right, sometimes you do just really need to be in that state for a while – wallow in it and stay in bed all day and cry your heart out – get everything out of your system and then pick yourself back up again. Thank you so much for your wonderful words as always and for reading my thoughts because it really does mean the world, I hope you’re feeling better than you were a few days ago, I know I am. It really does just take time. Sending so much love and light – we’re in this together xxx


  5. First of all, never apologise for feeling. It’s what makes us human. You don’t have to be sorry to feel the way you do. Bad days exist so that happy days can too. Whatever exhaustion you’re going through will get over one day. You’ll feel calmer and better. Do more things that you love and tell yourself it’s okay to be not fine sometimes. It’s normal to feel tired of everything around you. Life is tough, but you’re tougher. This is temporary. I hope you get to a happier place where you’re calmer and in love with everything you do soon :)) sending lots of love ❤️

    Liked by 2 people

  6. I understand you so much lovely Chloe 💕 I have felt this way so many times. Nowadays I feel like I don’t want to die but I also don’t live because I’m anxious for things such as getting a job or going to the dentist. It’s exhausting for me to think of these stuff because I just don’t want to go through feel anxious again. Then I don’t do anything which isn’t good either. I’m here for you and it’s brave of you for writing this. You always write beautiful. Writing can heal. I’m sorry you feel this way and I hope that with time you feel better. You always have a friend here 💕

    I can understand your point of view because I feel the same way. Avicii died of suicide and also turn to drugs and alcohol and so many other people and artists. I wish that we could take that pain away. People who suffer turn to things to not feel that pain. I know that when I feel bad isolating myself isn’t good but I do it because I feel that way. It’s hard so hard to have a mental illness and live in this world where things are still a taboo sometimes. We will fight hard and we are all in this together 💪 I love you forever and you can always call me, talk to me or anything okay? You are never alone.

    I love you to the moon and back 💗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Love you love you love you. We’ll get through it together, we’ll get to that point someday 💛 I feel like lately my anxiety has just sky rocketed and it’s so much worse than it ever has been before. I don’t know how it happened but it’s like suddenly I’ve just woke up and now I’m wondering wow, when did it get this bad? It’s constant and it’s never been this bad for me before and I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t even know where to begin. People always ask me what my triggers are but the truth is – everything. There’s nothing that exists that doesn’t give me anxiety which means that I’m basically unable to function at all because unfortunately, I have to go through with living my life whether I like it or not. It’s a scary thought and one that I can’t navigate but who knows, maybe I’ll get there at some point. I’m hopeful. Love you so much and right back at you with everything you said – you know where I am, you’ll have a friend in me always xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I really hope that you feel better soon chloe ❤ you should take the time and do whatever little thing brings you joy, even if its just a little bit. Eating good food, going for walks and listening to music really helps me personally. Even if things are exhausting, soon you will have your energy again. Don't give up! You're so beautiful and strong and you can do this!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. thank you so much lovely💙 I’ve been trying so hard not to feel guilty about doing the bare minimum and only doing the things that make me happy recently because I really need it, but I still can’t help but feel selfish. Getting there. Thank you so much xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Looking after your mental health is not selfish and you’ll be back on the horse and ready to take on the world in no time. Nobody can be 100% all of the time and you need to remember that if the little things can make a big difference in the future then they’re definitely worth it.
        Be strong cutie! You’re doing so well xx

        Liked by 1 person

  8. hi chloe, i am really sorry to hear what you are going through. i recently have been in this rut where i am so exhausted and unhappy with my life, and i know that i am the only one who can truly fix this change in my life to stop the suffering, but it’s so incredibly difficult because i do not even have the energy or desire to make this change because i know it’ll be tough and im just not sure im ready to face that yet. anyways, if you ever need anyone to talk too feel free to contact me in any way and i think your feelings are so valid and you should know how strong you are for continuing to go through this suffering.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel this so, so much. Even though it’s sad, it’s still nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way and that we can hopefully all fight it all together, one step at a time – baby steps. Thank you so much for your lovely words, they mean the world to me and I appreciate them so much – I too am always here if you need someone to talk to, I hope the feeling eases for you soon 💙 Sending love xx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. The world is a crappy place sometimes. I hate that feeling when there nothing particularly wrong but yet everything feels wrong. I also hate knowing its only me who can get myself out of that kinda place… it’s not what I wanna hear and I can imagine it’s not what you wanna hear either. You can do it though Chloe, maybe not right now… maybe not even tomorrow or this week but you can. But for now… let yourself feel what you need to feel.

    I’m aware of the whole kpop situation as well and I think it does open a whole can of worms on the whole mental health thing… not just in Korea but around the world. We all are held to this particular standard and then as soon as that standard slips your thrown to the trash without a second thought… it’s not… right.

    Take this time for yourself though, it’s hard not being able to do something for others but sometimes you just can’t.. I hope you feel more settled soon, I won’t say better because when does it truly ever get better… but still, keep fighting the good fight Chloe! 💜

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I feel like my whole life consists of being sad and not having a reason why but unfortunately that’s just how depression works – people will always ask me what’s making me feel the way I do and what they can do to make it better but the answer is always the same – nothing. There is no reason for feeling like this. I too hate knowing that only I can get myself out of it because I’m so tired of fighting and sometimes I just wish I could lay there and have it over with, you know. It’s exhausting.
      Completely agree with you on the Kpop thing – it opens up a whole discussion that fortunately more people are taking part in these days but it’s still not enough and we must continue to do more and fight for a better day, there’s still a lot of work to be done regarding mental health.
      Thank you so much for your lovely words as I really needed to hear this, I really appreciate you taking the time to read my thoughts and share your own with me 💜 truly. We’ll get through this together – sending you so much love and light .xx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re right, that is depression in a nutshell. I don’t think a lot of people realise that with depression we all start running differently as well… it comes in so many forms. Some will go 100 miles an hour to keep their minds busy, others will simply go through the motions without even thinking and then sometimes some of us just completely crash, for an hour, a day, a week, a month or even years. It’s ok to crash… it’s just hard to crash and have everyone, including your own conscious, notice.

        Even more so when you end up in a ball on the floor crying your eyes out because you dropped a plate or something like that. That’s the thing, it can be everything or nothing that triggers it and that’s so hard to explain to people… I had a day last week where I just started crying and couldn’t stop… because I banged my elbow! It sounds silly to a lot of people but to those of with depression and mental health issues those tiny things can become overwhelming.

        But… as long as you’ve got that tiny slither of survival within you’ll find a way. And as long as we all keep talking, understanding, listening then hopefully one day we’ll get to a place where we’ll be able to live openly without that feeling of guilt or shame. Hopefully.

        And you’re right, we’ll get through this one way or another and definitely together! If you ever wanna natter… about anything really (kpop, books, life, mental health etc)… then send a message my way! x

        Liked by 1 person

        1. Completely agree with everything you said and I relate to that plate / elbow point so much – yesterday I was trying to find plastic album sleeves on the internet and ended up just crying my eyes out because I couldn’t find any. It seems so ridiculous once you come out of it but the slightest and most insignificant thing can set it off and that’s what a lot of people don’t understand. Again, thank you so much for taking the time to read my thoughts and to share your own because it really does mean a lot, and right back at you – if you ever want to talk about ANYTHING, you know where I am .xx

          Liked by 1 person

  10. Sending all my love to you, Chloe ❤ Honestly, life IS exhausting. Everything takes mental effort and sometimes, even if there's not a trigger, it can all just hit you at once and just wear you the fuck out . . . I hope you feel better soon gorgeous girl ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  11. Hi Chlo. I am so sorry to hear you are not doing well. I am glad though that you say you do not want to die. That is such a relief to hear.

    I am sorry to hear you feel exhausted. There is no shame or harm in just taking some time to recover and recharge and to just take time for yourself. It is so important that you do. I know you will come back from this stronger and better than ever, but take some time to just wallow.

    You are right. There are a lot of people suffering in this world and I wish I could also take the pain away from them too. Do not forget that you are also suffering right now and I also wish I could take the pain from you. I am already in a lot of pain so some more will not hurt haha (just trying to put a smile on your face. Sorry if it did not work).

    I also believe that what happened to the band leader was unfair and unjustified. It is a shame that people get punished instead of getting help. He is probably in a bad space right now but I know he has a lot of adoring fans and support and he will come back from this as well.

    You will be okay Chlo. I know you will. You are a very strong young lady. Sending all my love and strength because God knows I am not using it ha xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Your words as always mean so, so much to me and I thank you for them. I wish I could take your pain away too because you really are an angel and don’t deserve any of this or what you’re going through. I’ve said this before but I feel like a sadness sponge almost, I just take on the pain and sadness of everyone in the world because I’m so empathetic but then I’m overwhelmed by it all and feel like I’m suffocating with sadness. I have all of this sadness and I don’t know where to put it down. For me empathy is a character flaw and a good trait to have simultaneously, I just wish I could tone it down a little so it doesn’t completely overwhelm me but I can’t. How do you turn down your own heart? I feel what I feel and that’s it. Still working on it.
      Thank you so much as always and I’m sending all my love and light to you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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