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1998 – 2013

The weather has been really beautiful lately, so warm and light with not a single cloud in the sky. It reminds me of that endless, nostalgic Summer I always talk about, because I feel like no matter what, I always go back to it. It’s at the core of everything for me, 2013 changed everything and Lana and Frank have reminded me of an endless, nostalgic Summer ever since. I can’t help but think about it every time I see a blue sky.

I’ve been going for walks lately; during lunch breaks at work my friend and I go for a walk through the cemetery not far from us which, may sound creepy, but is actually really beautiful.

I’ve always felt connected to death, I feel like she and I understand each other very well – we’re on the same page. I befriended death and it became my closest friend, whilst simultaneously also being my worst enemy. I feel comfort in the sad things because it’s what I know best – I understand it more than anything, I could walk through it with my eyes shut. I could even give you a tour if you like, I feel like I’m an expert in every aspect. They say that when you start to get better from the sad things you feel lost, because you don’t understand how to navigate this new way of life you’ve never been exposed to before, therefore sadness naturally became a comfort for me, it’s my home.

Anyway, back to death. I find death very interesting; I find the concept of it the most interesting thing I’ve ever thought about because even though the thing itself is so blatantly obvious, it’s actually one of the world’s biggest mysteries. What is it, exactly? Where do we go? Where do our souls go and the memories we created? What happens?

We’ll never find out until it happens to us and by then, it won’t matter anyway. We won’t be able to pass the message on.

In the Summer of 2013 I don’t think it rained for a single day. Every day I came home after being outside in the sun since the early morning to find new patches of sunburn on my face – the result of sitting outside my best friend’s memorial from dusk ‘til dawn because I had nowhere else to be and I didn’t know where else to go.

Those following months I visited her grave the few times I could find the strength, and I will never forget the atmospheric feeling I had during those few times. The sun still continued to beat down on the world around it, I was rosy cheeked and freckle faced, wearing my denim Levi’s with my headphones in and blocking out the world around me. I didn’t feel like I was a part of it then, anyway. I didn’t want to be. I was on a whole other planet for the year following her death and I don’t remember most of what happened during that time because quite frankly, I wasn’t all there. But that’s a story for another time.

Born To Die – The Paradise Edition was the only thing I listened to as I made those walks to the cemetery, feeling whimsical and full of wanderlust despite the fact I was dying from the inside out. I was broken and I was sad. I was the saddest girl in the world. But it was beautiful, and death was beautiful even though it was ironically killing me because I couldn’t figure out how to live in a world where she didn’t exist anymore. Yet I felt like I was coming to understand it, and death and I were becoming one. It was becoming my comfort because from that day forward it was the only thing I knew how to understand. It defined my life.

I’d reach the cemetery and sit in front of her grave for hours, still with my headphones in – still with our favourite music playing. I’d like to think we were listening to it together. I’d sing to her and tell her about what the hell was going on inside my brain because I never spoke about it to anyone else, I’d tell her how I was falling apart and that I didn’t know what to do because I needed her and I couldn’t do this without her, I didn’t want to. I’d tell her stupid, funny things in the hopes that she’d be laughing about it somewhere. I’d press my palms into the dirt in an attempt to try and feel something, though I never did.

I never felt like she was there, I’d never believed she was ever since the moment they buried her. That just wasn’t it for me. But I went there anyway because I had nowhere else to go. I didn’t know where to go in order to be with her and so I’d sit in front of her marble stone grave instead, staring at her face. The picture they used was one I’d taken, it was actually a selfie that we’d taken together, but they’d cropped me out of it (obviously). She looked beautiful in that photo.

The cemetery was a big one, and it had a winding pathway that circled all the way around it. When I couldn’t sit for any longer because quite frankly I was restless and had the ongoing need to constantly run away, I’d step onto the pathway and walk along it instead. I remember there were memorial benches dotted along the sides, engraved with the names of the people they were dedicated to, and I’d sit there for the following few hours instead. Thinking to myself and doing the exact same thing I’d been doing some metres away in front of my sister’s grave. I took some pictures of the sky there once and it had strange shapes in it that weren’t Earth-side, like there was something beyond the lens. They’re lost in a folder somewhere now but I’m sure I’ll find them again one day.

I have fond memories of being there now, crazily enough. I felt comfortable there, like I belonged. Is that weird? I was no longer surrounded by the living, yet it made me feel like I was. I felt like they understood me anyway. Looking at the names and dates of people who were no longer on the Earth anymore, and I could never help but wonder where they went.

I don’t go there anymore. I haven’t been back since that first year except for maybe once on a birthday. I can’t. Like I said, I don’t feel like she’s there and it does nothing for me. I was 15 at the time and I’m 21 now, and I think reliving those experiences at this age would simply ruin the memories for me, because I’m scared I won’t feel the same. It would take away the only comfort I had from those times, the only warm thing I had to remember.


Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to romanticise death because it’s fucking devastating and it killed me (no pun intended). It still does. But it was equally beautiful at the same time, and it changed me in ways I never would have had I never had the experience and been through it. I wouldn’t be the person I am now without going through what I did.

So I get it, and it hurts but it’s beautiful and bittersweet and I enjoy walking through the cemeteries (I wish there was a nicer word for them than that) and looking at the names and the dates and seeing who’s been there the longest. Maybe that sounds a bit morbid, but I personally find it peaceful. Especially when the sun’s shining down on everyone like it has been lately, and it feels like suddenly there’s life again in a place dedicated to those with none.

I didn’t know what to title this post, so I called it 1998 because that’s the year we were both born. It also reminds me of the song 1996 by Ella Henderson, which makes me a little emotional and reminds me of things.

“I met my best friend by the age of 3 and she grew up watching episodes of Lizzie McGuire with me, on TV. We used to share our secrets didn’t care about what we would say even when it got embarrassing, I’d let you in. And now I miss the times when we’d dress up and we’d put on a magic show, and I’d boss you around but you never frowned, never wanted to go home.

And who knows when we’re old and grey who we’re gonna grow up to be?

But every day I love you more.

You did it all for me.”

All my love,

Chloe .xx

21 thoughts on “1998 – 2013

  1. Oh my.. this hit deep. Right in the feels.

    Writing this.. would’ve been an experience for sure. I really resonate with some parts. I hear you. I feel you.

    I know what I thought of while reading this post, but I’m scared to say it because it’s just so unfathomable to me. It’s funny because I’m a suicide survivor, three times exactly and I don’t fear dying. I’m comfortable with the idea of myself not being here.. but someone I love? I can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe I just don’t realise yet that other people love me the same way I love them and they’d be devastated too. Death, the inevitable, eternal mystery. I’m sorry for your loss Chloe xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This was the first thing I read when I woke up this morning and it made me tear up, it really got to me. You don’t have to say what you were thinking but, if we’re being honest here then I’ve also tried to kill myself 3 times which I guess is ironic considering I’m no stranger to knowing how grief affects people, but that’s also the last thing on your mind when you’re going through these things. I don’t think we realise a lot of things until they’re not there anymore…until we ourselves, even, have gone.
      Thank you for this xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, how true is that? The last thing you said, about not realising what we’ve lost until we no longer have ourselves. That really spoke to me. It’s like, the ultimate loss. You have to come back to yourself and build a life again. Build a world. Some people never get to that point.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Omg you are such a strong woman and a beautiful writer, everything you write I am in love with. If you wrote a book or poetry I would buy it within seconds of it being published. You always find such a good way to word things that I can’t find words for. I value your blog so much, it brings me comfort (I know that sounds weird) but you know some songs are comforting? My song is your blog. Love you and sending you good vibes xxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I seriously don’t deserve you like literally what even, I swear you’re just an angel. You have no idea how much that means to me (literally the whole world) but wow. Thank you thank you thank you 💛 a million times. I’m so glad this little corner of the internet can be a comfort for you, that’s literally the only thing I want for my blog ever !! you’re so, so welcome here always ✨ love you so much more angel girl xxx


  3. I have not been to a graveyard since I was about 6 years old. We used to visit my grandma’s grave every year on her birthday but I have not been since. I have always found graveyards a bit creepy, full of the dead when there were so many living memories of those who have died elsewhere. I am glad you found peace when you needed it but I also agree that your friend is not present in that graveyard but rather in your (and other’s) memories of her. xx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Haunting and beautiful. I feel like I say that about all your posts, but it is true. The way you write is so unique. Honestly. Have you ever thought of writing a book, or poems, or short stories? I think they would be incredible.

    I can understand what you mean about you and death having a connection. I just hope you do not join her anytime soon. The world still needs you. I do not want to make this about me, but I am also fascinated by death. I often just sit and think about this phenomenon for hours.

    I am so sorry about your loss. I do not know much about the story (and I do not need to hear it. It is a very personal story) but it is clear to see it has had such an impact on you (no sh*t Kojo). It breaks my heart every time I hear that someone has lost someone close to them. In situations like that I just never know what to do or say, but I always try to be present for them.

    Like someone wise once told me, “this might feel like the loneliest place in the world, but I will still be there to hold your hand at the end of it.” xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You are so wonderful! I have thought about it, many times, yes. I already know exactly what it would be called! I’m unsure if I’ll ever achieve actually creating a physical manifesto of my writing and even if I did, I’d probably just create a single copy for myself and nothing more (since things like other people wanting to purchase my writing wouldn’t happen to someone like me) but thank you so much, it really means the world to me.

      “it is clear to see it has had such an impact on you (no sh*t Kojo)” !! that made me laugh. you’re funny, Kojo. I have spoken about it before through scattered bits and pieces I’ve written in blog posts but most of the time when I write about her it’s very much just thoughts from my own head that probably don’t make a lot of sense to anyone else because I don’t specify what I’m talking about. Death really is incredibly fascinating and I wouldn’t like to imagine how many hours I’ve dedicated to thinking about it and trying to understand it, even though I know I never will.

      Using my own quotes to communicate with me is a definite way to make me cry !! I appreciate it though, so thank you. It means a lot.

      p.s. – have you heard That’s Life by Mac Miller & 88 Keys ft. Sia? It came out a couple weeks ago and it reminded me of you .xx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. Trust me Chlo, I would buy it. Multiple copies even. I am not even kidding.

        Ha thank you for thinking I am funny. I remember talking to my therapist two years ago and I listed a whole bunch of things I did not like about myself (which is pretty much everything about myself if I am honest), but she asked me to mention things I liked about myself, and I said my sense of humor. I think it is the only thing I kinda like about myself. Thank you for saying that. It means so much to me. It really does.

        If you ever wanna talk about death at length then I volunteer as tribute (to talk about death, not actually volunteering for death… just clarifying 🏃🏿‍♀️).

        Haha if I made you cry I am so sorry for that! I do not know if you are like this, but I am definitely the type of person who will give other people advice but I can never take my own.

        I actually did not know that song existed before you told me so thank you! I listened to it this morning as I was getting ready for work. I have not heard Mac’s voice in a few months as I have not taking one of my backyard night trips (I broke my earphones 😞).

        Hearing his voice again… man I do not know how to describe it.
        It was like he was still alive, or it was like I was hearing a message he had left for me that would only come into existence after his passing. I did not cry but I smiled throughout the whole song.

        The production was by 88 Keys I believe but it sounded so much like a Mac song. I could see it being on any one of his albums. Sis’s voice, man, her voice makes everything better. I really loved it and I am going to be playing it for quite some time now.

        Thank you for telling me about it, and it means so much that you thought of me when you heard it. Sometimes I feel like such a burden to other people, like this morning for example, but it means so much to me that others think about me.

        Thinking about you too. Actually, if you can, please check out a song called “Different Speed” by Oliver Tank and Ta-ku. I want to know what you think of it.

        Thinking of you and wishing you the best 💛

        Liked by 1 person

        1. you’re an angel 💛 if it ever happens, you’ll be the first person on my list.

          It’s weird actually because my humour is probably my favourite thing about myself too, if I didn’t have my humour then I’d have…nothing, basically (like really, how else would I cope with life). I don’t know if this make sense but (for me) your humour is like…the best kind because you understand all types of humour even if it’s not necessarily the humour that you yourself use…does that make sense? Do I sound like a weirdo ?????

          “I volunteer as tribute” could’ve gone either way so I’m glad it was the former hahaha, I may just take you up on that offer. Yes I can definitely always give people advice but never follow my own !! (I like to think it’s because there’s probably hope for them and not for me ha)

          It felt like it was a message from beyond the grave, as weird as that probably sounds. I don’t know, it was nice. Like he was speaking in hindsight. It’s hard to describe, I really love it, though. It makes me feel all sunny and light – it’s a happy song despite everything.

          You’re not a burden at all, I hate that I keep relating all of this back to me, me and me but we’re very similar so I feel like everything you say, I also have a story for it haha. Sorry. My whole life I’ve felt like a burden to everyone which is why I never reach out and all that great stuff, because I never want to bother anyone. I promise you though that you’re not a burden, and yes I think about you often! Hope that doesn’t sound weird, I just always wonder if you’re doing okay 🙂

          I listened to that song, I like it! Very dreamy, actually. Sounds like something you’d hear in a movie. Thank you for that ✨xx

          Liked by 1 person

          1. I really do not deserve your kind words. Thank you so much!

            Haha you do not sound like a weirdo. Thank you for that, and I am happy to hear you say something you like about yourself.

            I understand you with the advice thing. I also believe that everyone has hope except me. There is that question people ask, if everyone has a purpose. I believe everyone except me has a purpose in life. I know it is sad to keep putting myself down like this. I am working on it… kinda… not really. Sorry for lying.

            Thank you for saying I am not a burden, and you are most definitely not too. Just a small example: look at the way everyone celebrated your birthday. You are so loved Chlo, you really are.

            Thank you for recommending the song, and I am glad you liked Different Speed. I stumbled upon it a few weeks ago and it has honestly become one of my favorite songs of all time. You are absolutely right: it will fit perfectly in a movie or TV series. Thank you for always putting a smile on my face xx

            Liked by 1 person

  5. I love your ability to turn something so horrible into something beautiful and profound…as always when you write about your best friend, my heart breaks for both of you ❤ sending love. (Also, totally don't find it weird about cemeteries – I think they're really peaceful places) xx

    Liked by 1 person

  6. This post is so beautiful and so deep 💗 I love you so much. I will always be here for you. I’m afraid of death like I once wrote about on my blog. My father almost died when I was 11 years old so maybe that’s why I’m always so scared when someone is sick. I find cemeteries really scary but at the same time I also like to look at the names and know at which date they died. It’s not that I actually like that they are dead of course but death is such a mysterious thing like you said. We will never know all the answers. I wish people would come back and tell us how it’s like. Maybe this sounds creepy but I’m sure you will understand me. I’m always so afraid of loosing the people I love and I know that will happen. I think that I wouldn’t cope with it but perhaps we learn to live with it and find strength in those heartbreaking moments in life. I can understand how it changed you and everything. Sending you all my love 💖

    Liked by 2 people

    1. angel girl 💞 thank you. i love you too. I know it sounds weird but I feel I’ve made peace with it now and even though death still scares me, I know what to expect. If I’ve been through it once I can do it again, even if I may not make it out of the other side this time. I do understand exactly what you mean yes! Doesn’t sound creepy at all ✨ sending you all my love .xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. I love how you write so beautifully and how you manage to talk about death in a really realistic, beautiful, yet sad way.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So I really want to comment on this post and say something meaningful, but the truth is that I don’t really know what to say except this post perfectly captures the beautiful, devastating mystery of grief and sadness and that your writing is nothing short of incredible. So much love and I’m so sorry about your friend xx

    Liked by 2 people

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