not so deep (chatty)

my hair is being pulled by the stars again


i’m sat in my room right now, fairy lights on, windows open. i’m sat cross legged on my bed with an oversized t-shirt on, messy hair, listening to ariana grande and falling in love with myself a little bit. it reminds me of when i was 16. i feel like i am. i don’t think i’ve changed that much since then, i’ve only gotten stronger. i pray that when i’m 40, i’m still me. i hope that as i get older, i’m still myself. always. i hope i still love the things i’m supposed to. i hope i still love the same music and the people that make it. i hope that at 42 i love it twice as much as i did at 21. i hope that continues to grow. i hope i still love my tattoos and look back on them fondly. i won’t be here forever, this is the timeline of my life. i hope that i can look back on my body and see what i loved and when. i hope that looking at the ink reminds me of when i was 18 and in love with the world. i hope it reminds me of when i was 21 and in love with people. i hope i don’t change. i trust myself not to, but the world is unkind sometimes. i pray it doesn’t take me away from myself. i pray i love myself enough to hold on. right now, i do. i have to stop second guessing and worrying about “what if”. tomorrow never comes anyway, so stop worrying about it. how do i feel right now? do i accept it right now, do i want it? yes. will i want it tomorrow? well it doesn’t exist, so i’ll never know. tomorrow i’ll ask myself, do i love it right now? and the answer will still be yes. and yes and yes and yes until i’m old and grey, and forever after that. yes and yes and yes. i love the things i love. i love loving the things i love, it makes me magic. it feels like magic. i hope i don’t lose my magic. i hope i still love disney and musical artists as if they were my best friends. i hope i don’t grow out of myself. out of life. it’s me, it always has been, it always will. i need to stop worrying that i’m going to run out. i have to stop worrying that i’m going to run out of myself, like there won’t be enough of me to go around. like there won’t be enough of me to last. can i really exist as myself for all of that time? yes. yes and yes and yes. always, chlo. always. magic never dies, remember? it never dies. you are magic. one day you’ll return to the stars again and you’ll tell them everything you learned here, and you’ll have so much to show for it. look what i did! look who i loved! there was this person and this person and this person. they made me happy. i loved them. i felt like i knew them even though i never met them. they made my world brighter and for that i’m grateful. i hope that when they return home, you’ll tell them that too. i trust that you will. i trust in you, just like you trusted in me. with life and memories and experiences and people. i hope i didn’t mess it up too much. i hope you’re proud of me anyway. thank you, for everything. i’m so glad to be home.

25 thoughts on “my hair is being pulled by the stars again

  1. Not liking my tattoos (I am hoping to get more tattoos) when I am older in a huge fear of mine. Like what happens if I hate them one day and there is no way to get rid of them?! xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Very true !! As someone who plans on being quite tattooed it doesn’t really bother me as such since I know that if I end up not liking something one day I can just get it covered up, but for people who don’t want that it’s tricky! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. “i pray that when i’m 40, i’m still me. i hope that as i get older, i’m still myself. always.” – honestly, this hit me a little. Like, SHIT, what if I change so much, I will be unable to comprehend my past actions and self? But despite that fear, I do believe that at our core, we remain the same. That even though we do change and evolve (which is a natural, healthy part of life) a part of us, deep down, makes up the foundation of who we are. What a beautiful, thought-provoking post, Chloe! xx

    Liked by 2 people

  3. OMG YES GIRL YES!!! I am so freaking proud of you and everything you have achieved this. You got this angel, I am rooting for you and can’t wait to read more about your self love journey! xxx

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I love this post so much! Its exactly how I feel. Even thought change is inevitable but there are some feelings and attitudes that I just wanna freeze. The lack of paragraphing makes this such an honest burst of thought that came pouring out. An rare and honest piece. ❤

    Liked by 2 people

  5. I pray I love myself enough to hold on, too! I’ll be 50 this year, and I’m not sure what 50 is supposed to feel like, but I don’t feel like it. I just feel like the same me, except better and stronger and wiser.

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Seeing as I just turned 42, I can honestly say it is possible to still love all the things you loved when you were young. For me, getting older helped me to finally love myself and the things that are important to me even more deeply than I did at 21. I think as we get older, we begin to appreciate life in a very different way. We understand that life is “short” and there is no time to waste on things that have little meaning to us. So we love harder and deeper than we ever thought possible when we were young.
    You think quite deeply for one so young. I have no doubt that your appreciation of life and of yourself will grow in strength and depth as you grow older. 💜

    Liked by 4 people

    1. !! honestly, one of my favourite things is hearing you talk about the love you and your girls have for kpop, it makes me so, so happy. I really hope age does the same for me and that it only makes the connections I have with myself even stronger, I feel like it has so far (in the jump from say, 16 to 21) so I can only hope that continues. thank you for such lovely words, it really means the most to me, and for sharing your thoughts because I always learn so much from you 💜 thank you !! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This was so beautiful to read 💗 I wish the same thing. I hope we can both be ourselves when we grow older and always love the things we love. Sometimes when people grow older they stop loving some people, stop doing their hobbies and loose that magic feeling. It’s sad because I think it’s so important to not loose that sparkle of magic ✨ especially when you grow older and you see in what kind of a dark world we live sometimes. We need those people, those amazing experiences and adventures to feel good about ourselves and to love ourselves just like we did when we were younger. You always read my mind when you write. Thank you beautiful Chloe 💗

    Liked by 3 people

    1. thank you angel 💞 I feel like sometimes I spend too much time worrying about it and I need to just trust in myself and realise that as long as I’m always true to who I am the world can never change me, no matter how old I get. you’re so so so wonderful and thank you for sharing your beautiful thoughts with me as always because I love hearing them ✨ thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. this is the most beautiful thing ever that I’ve read about future plans. everyone is usually planning on getting their dream house and their dream career and slipping cocktails in their dream vacations but you want to be ever more in love in your first home: your body. And your immense irrevocable love for it. And the art that you’ve made on it. It’s such a beautiful thought. Loving things you love right now more as you grow older. Letting that love run far and wide and consume everything that seems like worth loving. I honestly don’t wish for anything more from the future after reading this ❤️❤️❤️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. have I ever told you you’re an angel because if I haven’t then I’m telling you right this very second ❤️❤️ thank you SO much. honestly. you’re amazing. thank you a million times. it means the world to me. your words never fail to leave me in awe .xxxx

      Liked by 1 person

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