some time in june
I’m going through a phase at the minute – a wave of something. There are feelings I’ve had all my life that I’ve never quite been able to put into words because some things I believe you’ll always lack the vocabulary to describe. I don’t believe there are words that exist that could accurately describe these feelings and the experiences they therefore give me.
They’re not magical or life changing, in fact, in the grand scheme of things they’re pretty insignificant, but they exist as a part of my life anyway and things that come back to me once every so often, and have done since I was old enough to begin remembering them. I always thought to myself, I wonder if anyone else gets that? That little wave of something you’re not quite sure how to explain, but you know you can’t be the only person in the world that feels it…the problem is no one else has ever mentioned it either, because like you, it’s just a thing you acknowledge exists, but there’s no correct vocabulary to explain it.
I’m going through a wave of something at the minute, it hit me about a week ago. It’s nostalgia. A nostalgia I’ve felt before but this time, it’s different, in the past when I’ve felt this wave…it was always laced with sadness, a hint of longing for something I’d never get back – some things I hadn’t even experienced since they were before my time…but I wanted them back anyway. I was aching for something I’d never had.
But this time, it’s different. It’s nostalgia in the same way, but this time there’s no sadness, no longing. It’s present nostalgia…if that can even be a thing. Like I said, these feelings and phases I’m not quite sure how to describe because there aren’t sufficient words to represent them. It’s a wave of feeling that will probably last for a couple of weeks and then it’ll go again, but right now I’m in the midst of it.
I like old music, I like the shrill of voices and the beautiful sounds they make – it was a different time back then. I love the old 50s and 60s music, the dresses and the updos, the suits and the slicked back hair, the other night I had an urge to just sit and listen to some 60s music at full volume and it really made me happy, I felt so comfortable. Now we’re in a time where rap dominates and pop culture is at its all time high, but when I was playing these decade old songs (ironically, on Spotify) I realised I didn’t have to live in that feeling if I didn’t want to. When you listen to rap you feel like you’re one type of person – confident maybe, who knows, and when you listen to classical music, you feel like another – elegant, beautiful…it’s different for each person. Each genre of music I listen to makes me feel like a different person living it and of course, I can be all of them, I am all of them, but in a time where everything is so dominated by pop, r&b, hip hop etc. I realised that I don’t have to be that person if I don’t want to, just because it’s current right now. I can simply play music from The Shirelles, Bobby Vee, Frank Sinatra etc. and be someone else. I can be a whimsical girl from the 60s in a beautiful summer dress dreaming about love and writing love letters to the smartly dressed boy standing outside my window. Am I making sense? When I think of the 50s, 60s, I think elegance…beautiful songs and beautiful voices, smartly dressed gentlemen, hazy summer days, pitchers of lemonade, garden parties in the midst of Summer. Nostalgia. I like that feeling, I live in it, I would like to live there all my life if I could. Everyone was well spoken and whimsical, speaking in elegant voices saying “oh gosh” and adding sir onto the end of every sentence, American diners and soft top convertibles in baby blue and baby pink, Cadillacs, ice cream sundaes. It’s different for everybody because we all view and feel things in different ways, but that’s what the feeling is for me. I’ve been in this wave of nostalgia that I realise I can feel in the present, I don’t have to wish that I’d been there during the time it was happening (though I wish I was), but I can still live and create that feeling in the present. I can look at the photos and listen to the music, and so if I want to live in a world that makes me feel like that I can, because I can create it for myself.
I always feel like this when I’m abroad too – that wave of heat and nostalgia because everything is Summer and everything is glowing, and you can live in that feeling. I’ve been (subconsciously) watching documentaries set in these types of places and it’s been setting off my imagination. A lot of things I’ve been looking at lately have sparked it within me I think, I’ve been talking about Elvis a lot, my nan was telling me how her friend was stationed with him in Germany one time and how they’d have conversations and he’d play guitar, and even though he had his own room separate from everyone else he’d always come and sit with the others, they said he was the most wonderful man. I’ve had the strong urge to listen to Lana which is old America and nostalgia for me through and through, I guess I’ve just kind of naturally been feeling like I’m in that time.
Like I said, it’s a wave and a phase, something that wasn’t intentional but it’s happening anyway and in a few weeks it’ll leave again, but for right now I’m living it and I’m liking it. It’s an embracement of nostalgia rather than longing for it, it’s an enjoyment and a realisation that there are all of these pretty and hazy things that did exist and still can exist if I allow them to, they don’t have to stay in the past just because that’s when they originally existed, they can still exist with me right here and right now, too.
It wasn’t just the 50s and the 60s either, it was the early 2000s – hearing songs that I’d heard my parents playing when I was running around in summer hats and dungarees, songs that had played on the radio when I was in the back of my parents’ car, sat in my booster seat looking out of the window. Songs that I’d heard at family events – sounds and melodies that were simply background music at the time, but that now hold a significant memory as they carry that time with them where you’re transported back to it once you hear it again. Everything felt bright and sunny, I was simply living in a wave of appreciating everything that had gone before me and the times in which I had and hadn’t once lived.
Another thing that struck me as significant and something I wanted to share, was something that happened yesterday. The day prior to this a song had popped into my head that I hadn’t thought about or heard for years, and it was 5SOS’ cover of I Miss You by Blink 182. Back in the day when 5SOS first started out, my best friend and I absolutely loved them and kept up to date with everything they did, and during these early days they released a cover of I Miss You which is something we used to listen to a lot and is significant for the pure reason that it was early 5SOS, like right at the beginning – 2012 and 2013, before anyone knew who they were and they got big time famous, when they were still kids trying to make it just like us, and that time always reminds me of her and those early days. The only reason I knew I Miss You in the first place is because 5SOS had covered it, I’d never heard of it before then.
Yesterday at work, I’d rang someone and asked if they could change the radio station – I have two offices at work and one of them is situated in a factory where we have the radio playing all day and this particular station wasn’t the best, so I asked if they could switch it to a different one. The thing that’s important here is that after this I was now consciously listening out for the radio because I was waiting to hear when they’d changed the station, and as I got off the phone I heard this faint melody playing and thought I recognised it, I listened as it got louder and guess what was playing?
I Miss You, by Blink 182.
I hadn’t heard this song for years and hadn’t even remembered it until the day before when I was thinking about 5SOS and my best friend, and now suddenly it was playing on the radio, as I was consciously listening to it because I was waiting for it to be changed – the song literally began the second I put the phone down, and I just knew. I knew It was her.
I sat there smiling to myself as the song played out and as it ended, the radio station changed as I’d requested. It had all played out perfectly (no pun intended) and I knew it was her doing, she was waiting until I was listening and then she’d played that song because I’d been thinking about it the day before. It was a perfect moment and one that made me feel warm and grateful. It was another little wave of nostalgia. Funny how things come about, right?
Like I’ve always said, the universe works in magical and mysterious ways.
There’s something in the air at the moment and I’m not quite sure what it is, but it’s exciting. It’s almost like this electric buzz that everyone can feel, like we’re all waiting for something to happen but we’re not quite sure what. I’m excited for Summer, for light and warmth and nostalgia and feelings. For remembering past Summers and all the best parts of them, I’m excited to be free.
All my love,