butterfly fly away

Someone messaged me the other night that I hadn’t spoken to in…a long time. Years. I wanted to see what our last conversation had been before this just to refresh my memory, and I almost wish I hadn’t looked.

This is extremely personal, even for me, so I’m not entirely sure why I’m sharing it on the internet, maybe almost like a letter to her, in case there’s wifi up there and she manages to read it. I’m not sure. Maybe there’s some things that you shouldn’t share, but unfortunately I exist and I’m writing this so, here we are. I’ve broken the rules.

The last conversation I’d had with this person was on the day my best friend died, except, at the time of the conversation, I didn’t know that yet. I’d messaged this person and asked if they’d spoken to my best friend that day and they said no, and long story short because I don’t want to share too much, I was sending all of these different scenarios to this person as to why my best friend might not have been answering her phone, and that I had a really awful feeling she needed me, and that I was scared and didn’t know what to do.

The next messages in the conversation were from the day afterwards, and they were simply this.

 “I’m so, so sorry Chloe.”

“I want to die”

I had a different life back then. I was a different person back then – we both were. I was surrounded by different people and everything was just different, we’d created this little world that only the two of us understood, and we lived there and we loved it, though of course, it’s all gone now. It was this surreal feeling of all of these memories flooding back to me and it just brought it all back because this person was still here but my best friend wasn’t, and this person knew my best friend but I don’t speak to many people that did know my best friend anymore because I cut myself off from everyone through fear of going insane, because I hated the fact that they still had their best friends and I didn’t, and I hated that no one understood what I was going through. I hated a lot of things back then.

It’s such a weird thing to say. She died. My best friend died. She died. No one’s ever officially told me that, actually. Those words have never been spoken to me. On the day…I just knew. No one had to tell me because all it took was one look and I was on the floor screaming at the sky. I’ll never be able to explain that moment, but whatever it was it made me believe in something. There was no reason for me to believe she wasn’t alive anymore, yet just one look and I knew. I was the first person to find out and never in my life had I wanted to be someone else more than in that moment, because everyone else’s worlds were still turning and mine had just ended.

It’s like one of those things that you say out loud so many times until the point where it doesn’t even sound like a word anymore. Or you write it down so many times it doesn’t even look like a word anymore. She died.

I also only refer to her as ‘best friend’ now, because I almost can’t bring myself to say her name. It’s like this thing I can’t bear to write. Or see, or read. It’s so precious and sacred I can’t use it, ever. I only use her name if I’m directly addressing her or talking about her in a situation where I have no other choice but to use her name. Grief is weird. I used to be able to shout her name from the rooftops for the whole world to hear, and now I can barely bring myself to say it through fear of hearing it, because it’s so sacred I might break.

After I’d read this conversation, I sat there in silence for a little while. It was pitch black outside and the only light was that from my laptop screen reflecting  back onto my face. I plugged my headphones in and started listening to sad music, because sometimes you just have to accept the fact that you’re fucking sad. I’m probably the saddest girl in the whole world, but who wants to claim that title.

Butterfly Fly Away came on, which always makes me emotional. It’s a beautiful song, but it’s sad. And I sat there staring at the wall, listening to the lyrics and smiling to myself, trying to give myself an invisible hug. Then the music got more intense and the lyrics got more beautifully sad and before I knew it I was smiling through tears, because I’m 21 and I haven’t been myself since I was 15, and sometimes all you can do is smile through it. I kept looking around my room in the hopes that maybe she’d show up, I’ve always told her never to do that because it’d freak me out but in that moment I was so ready, for the first time. I was hoping I’d turn around and see her sitting on my bed or something, smiling at me. But she never was. I always believe there’s life after death, because energy can be created but never destroyed, but in that moment I did wonder, because she’s never anywhere to be found. I call for her and she never comes. And I can never help but wonder why.

Maybe I should start speaking about her more, because I do have a best friend and she’s mine and maybe I want to start talking about her again.

I really loved myself in that moment, because if there’s one thing I can tell you it’s this. No one in this world is going to get you through your grief other than you, because nothing and no one else will ever be enough. You deserve to heal, even if it means sitting alone in your room at 21 listening to Hannah Montana and smiling through your tears, because life is so sad sometimes it’s almost funny.

Smile. It confuses people.

caterpillar in the tree,
how you wonder who you’ll be
can’t go far but you can always dream
wish you may and wish you might
don’t you worry, hold on tight
I promise you there will come a day
butterfly fly away
got your wings now you can’t stay
take those dreams and make them all come true
butterfly fly away

All my love,

Chloe .xx

27 thoughts on “butterfly fly away

  1. it sucks you had to deal with this. losing a best friend is not something you think of happening ever! especially when you are young.
    i agree, sometimes its funny how sad and bad life can be. but what can you do sometimes ??
    youre right, just smile!!
    thank u for sharing ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I applaud you for being so open, vulnerable and honest in this post. It is not an easy thing to share this much, so I really respect you for feeling capable of doing so. I feel the need to hug you after reading this.

    First of all, I am so, so sorry for what you have been through. I can’t even begin to imagine the shock, the pain and the grief you must have experienced. One of my greatest fears is not knowing that a conversation I had with someone is going to be my last with them. I think a moment like that is bound to change the course of ones life, whether one wants it to or not; it is simply out of our control (and feeling completely powerless is one of the worst feelings).

    I would like to just quickly tell you that you have such a bright, beautiful soul, it’s hard not to be affected by it. I think it shows real strength of character to still be able to keep on going (though I’m sure it was and still is hard sometimes) with such a positive outlook on life. Because that is an achievement. You should be proud of yourself. Grief is never a straight line and never leaves us, at least not fully, but it does get easier to cope. I think your best friend would be proud of you. xx

    If it isn’t too disrespectful to ask, I would like to know if writing about her has helped you with your grief over the years?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Fiona. As always, truly thank you. Your words mean a lot to me and it means the world that you take the time to listen to me spill out my thoughts and feelings, especially when they’re so heavy. I don’t know if writing about her has necessarily helped with my grief, more, it’s helped with my feelings of anger, sadness, frustration etc. – you know when people tell you to write your feelings down in order to cope with them and understand them? More so that. I don’t necessarily think it’s aided my grief / the grieving process, but it’s different for everybody so of course, that’s just my personal experience. Thank you for being so wonderful as always xxx


  3. This was such an emotional post. I can understand your emotions and feelings so well. I just wish that I could take the pain away from you but I know I can’t. I will be there always for you 💖 Even if I don’t have any good advice to give to you, because I think with griefing there are no rules. Everyone griefs in their own way. I’m here for you, will listen to you and be there for you when you cry and fall apart. It must be so hard to loose a best friend. I can relate to this story to one I have been following for such a long time which is Yoga Girl an international yoga teacher who also lost her best friend. They way she described her journey of griefing made me cry all the time just like I read your post now.

    I don’t know if I told you this before but I almost lost my father when I was 11 years old. I remember some things of the time that my daddy had to go to the hospital all the time for an infection of his pancreas. My mother stayed me out of it for the most time so that I didn’t had to suffer as I was so young. I know how afraid I was to loose him. I’m glad he is still alive but inside of me I’m always afraid to loose the people I love. One day I wrote about my fear of death on my blog and it’s real. I’m so afraid to loose the people I love one day. I know we will all die one day and sometimes that fear just paralizes me.

    I love how you say that there’s life after death and that we are all energy. You said that before on a comment on my blog and I agree so much with you. The energy always stays there. Our lives transform when we die. You don’t believe in God, right? I somehow believe there’s something and am Catholic and also sang in a choir. I just know that the ones we loose will always be in our hearts. They will stay in our memoried and will not be forgotten. I saw the movie Coco last weekend and it was about the living and the death people and how they all continue to live in us when they die. It was a beautiful movie. Have you seen it?

    I just wish I could help you but I know writing is an important tool in healing. Do what feels good to you. I’m so grateful to know you and will always help you till the day I die 💖. Love you so much xoxo

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You truly are the biggest angel 💖 thank you so, so much. You’re right – there are no rules for grief, there’s no right or wrong way to do it. I’m not religious, no, but I’m spiritual – so I believe in coincidences, the universe, mother nature etc. and I believe in science – we are energy and it’s a scientific fact that energy can be created but never destroyed, it has to go somewhere, and I’d like to know where that is. I’ve never heard of Coco actually but I’ll definitely have a look now, thank you. Love you so much xxxxx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. this was so beautifully written and was so touching. I’m sorry you had to suffer through such a loss. I wish you so much love, happiness and strength. I hope wonderful things find you Chloe 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. This is tough to read. If I’d lost my best friend, the only person in the world with the same dreams, goals and mind as mine, I’d probably go mad. I always feel like the saddest, weakest person ever. Every time I smile, I feel so fake. I can’t imagine the pain you hold but maybe we are more alike than it seems. From reading your posts over time, I think you are such a beautiful complex soul and you are a powerful human to have gotten so far. One day at a time and I’m rooting for you, Chloe. ❤❤❤❤❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You are so, so wonderful 💛 thank you so much, truly. It means the entire world. I did go mad haha but that’s a story for another time, thank you so much for your wonderful words as always xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. When I was in 9th grade, I struggled with major depression for the first time. I thought the world would be better without me. I even started cutting. That same year, Tina came into my life. She was funny and popular; everything I wasn’t. For some reason (that I didn’t understand at the time), she chose to be my friend. She hung out with me just as much as she did her popular friends. She called me out on the cutting. When we stopped for tacos after school, she intently listened to what was really going on with me. When I didn’t come to school because I was considering leaving this world, she went to the school counselor. She was my best friend.

    My parents divorced in my 11th grade year and mom moved us to another city. Tina and I didn’t talk as much, but in my heart she was still my best friend. Three weeks before graduation, she drove across train tracks and a train collided with her car. She died a few hours later.

    That was my first real loss. It hit me so hard I couldn’t breathe. I didn’t know how to process how my friend could no longer be in this world. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to live through.

    It was also one of the most life changing experiences I’ve ever had. I would call it a major turning point in my life and when I talk about my life, I reference this period in time always. Because Tina’s death taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned in my 42 years of life.

    Out of every tragedy, something good will blossom. After every storm we go through in life, there is always a rainbow.

    I didn’t believe this when I first lost Tina.

    However, at her memorial service, I met her parents for the very first time. I made an effort to stay in touch with them after the service, even though I didn’t know them. Three weeks after that memorial service, they came to my high school graduation, even though they had just gone to Tina’s but hadn’t gotten to watch her walk the stage. Over that summer, they invited me for dinner. Her dad took me fishing. They loved me like I was one of their children. When my girls were born, they came to the hospital to see us. I’m still in touch with them almost 25 years after losing my best friend. Her parents were my rainbow. During a time when my parents really didn’t know how to be parents because of all the crap they were going through, Tina’s parents were there. It never would have happened if I hadn’t lost my friend.

    I’m not saying I am happy she died! I am saying I am thankful I learned how to hold on and wait for the rainbow after the storm. Tina taught me that. And it has affected every area of my life. Even the theme of the books I am writing and publishing on Amazon are affected by this one event. “Embrace the Storm”. “To Withstand the Tempest”. And I’ll give you a sneak peek no one else has gotten yet: My final book in this series will be “Searching for a Rainbow”…

    I am so, so sorry you have had to suffer such a great loss at such a young age. Grief is hard no matter what stage in life you are in, but I think it is even more difficult when you are young. But let me encourage you to hold on. Ride out the storm, no matter how long it may last. And most importantly, diligently search for the rainbow. I promise you it is there…or will be there eventually. It always is.

    If you ever need to talk, I am always here. I didn’t mean to get so long winded, but I felt compelled to share my story with you in hopes it might bring you some small comfort to know you are not alone. Someone out here understands the grief you bear…

    Liked by 2 people

    1. This was the first thing I read when I woke up the other morning and I’ve had to wait until now to respond because…I honestly don’t know what to say. Thank you. Just thank you. This made me feel relief. I’m so, so sorry for what you had to go through and bless Tina, may she rest in peace. Thank you for sharing this with me because it means so, so much and I know this type of thing is never easy to talk about, it takes a lot, so thank you. You write so beautifully too, though I’m sure you already know that. I really wish I had more to say and more to give you than this, but I just can’t. I do not know what to say other than thank you. Really, truly, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I understand every single thing you said, especially the disclaimer about not being glad that she died – I get that. Beautiful things must come from it and I’m grateful for those beautiful things, even though I’m not grateful for the event that sparked them in the first place. I get it. Sending you so much love and light, I am always here if you ever need me. From the bottom of my heart, thank you .xxx

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You don’t need to say or give me anything, sweet friend… my intent in sharing was in hopes of helping you find just a little bit of peace in the midst of something so painful. I wanted you to truly know you are not alone on this difficult journey. Although losing Tina was so hard, I’m thankful for what I learned, and I honor her memory by sharing with others her story and the impact she had in my life. It keeps a little piece of her alive. But it took a while to get to point where it became easier to talk about openly. Next May will mark 25 years since Tina passed. I’ve had a lot of time to grieve and heal. Give yourself time. The first ten years I couldn’t get past her birthday or death anniversary without crying most the day. Nowadays I don’t have as many tears. Not because I don’t miss my friend, but because I’ve found peace with what I’ve learned from her.

        Anytime you need to talk you know where to find me. My blog page has a link to my Twitter, and you can direct message me from there if you’d like. I don’t say that to just anyone. So please know I truly mean it. If you need a friend to listen, I am here.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Chlo… I… I honestly do not know what to say.

    I am so, so sorry you had to go through that, especially at that age. When you said “because I’m 21 and I haven’t been myself since I was 15,” that broke my heart. I often tell myself that people will move on after my death, and maybe they will, but I never think that they will never be the same again.

    I can not even begin to imagine what you went through then and are still going through now. I understand what you mean about cutting yourself off from others. That is only natural. Everyone grieves in their own way, but I can not help but think that sometimes it is okay to reach out to someone, anyone, even someone you never talk to or have not spoken to in so long.

    Please do not kill me, especially in the comments section of such a beautiful but heartbreaking blog post, but I am going to reference 13 Reasons why (ah sh*t, here we go again). After Clay listened to all the tapes he confronted the school counselor and was walking out of the school when he ran into Skye. He asked Skye if she wanted to just hang out she asked if he was okay, and he replied “No, I’m not okay. Is that alright?” and she said “yeah, that’s fine,” and they went and had a chat. I know you are strong Chlo, much stronger than me to be honest, and I do not know your whole life story, but I through blog posts like these it almost feels like you are just falling apart emotionally (no offense, I do not mean this in a bad way).

    Two days ago I was walking to the shop in the office campus to get something small to eat and I decided to listen to Sheryl Crow’s “Here Comes The Sun” from The Bee Movie (… yeah… I can not explain this either). It was just a feel-good happy song that crossed my mind. I have not listened to it in years but at that moment I just felt like I had to. I hate to make this about myself. I went to my specialist therapist earlier today and told her that I am a mess, I think about suicide everyday and I do not feel like I deserve help. It feels so good to tell someone what is going on with you, and it feels so good to get help, even if you feel like you have everything under control.

    I do not know if I made any sense. I also hope I did not offend you in any way with this comment. Thank you for writing this. You are so brave for sharing this with the whole world, I am wishing you all the best Chlo. I am always here if you want to rant or scream xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. love you a lot, Kojo💙 thank you.

      It ruined my life, to be quite honest. Everything that has happened in my life since that day, whether it be good or bad, was because of that moment, my whole life still revolves around that moment and it’s scares me because I think it always will. Everything stems from that. Even things that are completely irrelevant…relate back to that. It all comes from the same thing, that one day in 2013. It ruined and changed my life and I’ll never be able to change it back.

      I wish I’d had my blog back then and I wish I’d documented everything here because I needed something, anything. You guys are that for me now, and I wish I’d had you all back then, I wish I’d had this space, my space, because I belong here and back then I didn’t have a single place in the world anymore, I was so lost. I still am, I think, but I’m finding my way. Slowly.

      I’ll let you reference 13RW since it’s you haha, but I actually like that line, so thank you for sharing. It makes sense. I think it’s about finding people who understand things like that. Sometimes I’m falling apart emotionally and sometimes I’m not, I actually wrote this post objectively and not emotionally, though I’m not sure if that’s clear in my writing, this for me was just documenting something that happened, because it happens a lot and it sucks but it’s important. But I’m okay, and thank you for caring so much.

      Barry Bee Benson…is that you? I’ve never actually seen Bee Movie, but I feel like I know everything about it from the endless memes that have come from it hahaha. I listened to Here Comes The Sun whilst writing this comment and it made me smile, please don’t ever feel guilty for ‘making things about yourself’ (you’re not) – I always love hearing about you and what you have to say! Make the whole thing about you, delete this whole blog post and re-write it about yourself if you want to, there’s no complaints here (too much ?? sorry). Was your therapist helpful? I’m glad getting it all off your chest made you feel better, what’s that phrase…a problem shared is a problem halved, it’s good to let people help you.

      Please don’t worry about ever offending me because I promise you never would! Apart from the fact I’m pretty much impossible to offend because my humour is so dark and dry anyway, I also happen to be your number one fan so you could probably tell me to die in a hole at this rate and I’d still be like okay Kojo !! 💙 you’re the best !! 💙

      I’m here for you too always, remember that. Thank you for everything again xxx

      Liked by 2 people

  8. I almost cried reading this. Definitely got goosebumps. You can feel the emotion through your writing and it is devastating to read but I know the power of writing and how it can help heal. I think you should keep writing about her, even if you don’t share it on the internet, because then you can help to keep her alive through your writing and let other people have the privilege of knowing her too. I am so sorry for your loss but I know that it has shaped you into the kind, considerate, beautiful person you are today. If tragedy must happen, let it help us to change the world for a better place. xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Ahh I’m sorry Hannah :(( I didn’t mean for this post to be so emotional haha. You are so wonderful and your words mean so much to me as always, so thank you for taking the time to read this 💛 it truly does mean a lot. Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  9. I’m so sorry. I know that everyone’s told you but I genuinely mean it.
    When i think about loosing someone very close to me i panick ANd my hands shake from fear. So you’re so brave even though some days you don’t want to be. Stay strong. Love from Jade.

    Liked by 2 people

  10. I’m so sorry you had to go through that so young, I’m inspired by what you said as someone who actually never knew how to get over the loss of my loved ones… sending you lots of love

    Liked by 2 people

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