Happy December! And welcome to a nice, depressing post to start off Christmas the right way.
Anyway, guess whose head has been a whirring mess lately !! My brain feels like it’s constantly on a rollercoaster that I can’t seem to get off of and it’s so exhausting. Anxiety is doing my head in. Like seriously. My brain. It’s caving in. Or I want to cave it in myself with a sledgehammer just so I can stop overthinking for one second of my life. That would be nice.
You know lately how I’ve mentioned that I’m a list person and I create lists for pretty much everything, well, anxiety is no exception. I have to create lists of the things that are making me anxious in order to make me feel…less anxious. If I make a list of the things I’m worrying about, it gets them out of my head and therefore it’s one less thing whirling around my mind making me feel like I’m crazy. Really. I feel like I’m crazy. If I can see everything down on paper it’s easier for me to deal with, and once the anxiety for that particular thing has gone away, I cross it off the list.
Sometimes I just wake up anxious for no reason and then it becomes even more difficult for me because I can’t write it down – how can I add it to the list when I don’t know what’s causing it? It’s this underlying anxiousness that’s obviously being triggered by something, but I don’t know what the trigger is therefore I can’t lay it out in front of myself and pinpoint what it is and how to deal with it.
I’ve realised lately that I’m never in the present moment, like ever. I’m always in my head, constantly overthinking or thinking about the future or the past and I’m never actually here. I’m just constantly zoned out. I’m trying really hard to make a conscious effort to be present. I’m also trying to adopt this attitude of just not caring about anything because I care about so much and it’s so overwhelming, so now I’m trying to just…not care at all. Kind of like a ‘so what’ attitude – when I can feel myself start to overthink or worry about something I just tell myself that I don’t care and that if the worst thing happens then it happens – so what. And then I cancel it out of my brain.
The other night I was lying in bed and my thoughts were completely overwhelming me, you know how in movies when someone’s having a bad dream and the background music starts getting louder and more intense, slowly zooming in on that person’s face until they eventually sit bolt upright gasping for air and the music cuts off faster than you can say…I don’t know, I’m too tired to think of a word right now.
I felt like that was what was happening to me the other night. Everything was getting so loud, so intense, until I suddenly snapped my eyes open and told myself to shut the fuck up. Stupid, I know. Please do not look at me for self-care tips because evidently I have 0. But anyway, I opened my eyes and snapped my brain back into the present moment, away from the thoughts, and suddenly the anxiety and the loud, intense music went away and everything was silent, and I was back in the moment, in the dark, in my bed. That was it.
So now I’m making a conscious effort to try and be present. It takes approximately 0.2 seconds for my mind to start wandering elsewhere and so I have to keep bringing myself back like no, you’re here. Focus on here. Focus on what you’re doing. What are you doing? What are you looking at, what can you see, what can you hear – are you listening to music? What music is it? Are there people around you? What are they doing? And I have to keep prompting myself with questions in order to make sure I stay in the moment otherwise I just zone out and float away. I guess I’ve never really been present so zoning out and being inside my head is my version of reality / normality because I don’t know anything else, but now I’m trying to change that.
I was in the car going somewhere the other day and my heart felt like it was going to burst it was in that much pain. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m going to die. I just thought to myself I cannot keep living like this. It’s crazy. There’s only so long I can say haha this is manageable !! Because it’s not. It’s not manageable. It’s crazy. And it’s unfair. There should be no reason I allow myself to live like this yet I do, but it’s utterly ruining everything and it’s not normal to feel this way. To feel like I’m literally going to pass out or have a breakdown or a panic attack at the slightest change to anything in my life ever – to the slightest inconvenience. It’s ridiculous.
I don’t know what I plan on doing about it, probably nothing. I also don’t know what the point of this post is, I guess my anxiety has just been particularly bad lately (worse than usual) for no real reason other than a lot of inconveniences seem to have cropped up at the same time and it feels like it’s rotting away my brain, honestly.
Sorry if this post was depressing, it wasn’t meant to be. I just like to be honest with you guys and have a chat about how things are going. I hope you’re all doing super well and remember I love you all a ton.
All my love,