not so deep (chatty)

anxiety is ruining my life

Hi loves,

Happy December! And welcome to a nice, depressing post to start off Christmas the right way.

I’m sorry.

Anyway, guess whose head has been a whirring mess lately !! My brain feels like it’s constantly on a rollercoaster that I can’t seem to get off of and it’s so exhausting. Anxiety is doing my head in. Like seriously. My brain. It’s caving in. Or I want to cave it in myself with a sledgehammer just so I can stop overthinking for one second of my life. That would be nice.

You know lately how I’ve mentioned that I’m a list person and I create lists for pretty much everything, well, anxiety is no exception. I have to create lists of the things that are making me anxious in order to make me feel…less anxious. If I make a list of the things I’m worrying about, it gets them out of my head and therefore it’s one less thing whirling around my mind making me feel like I’m crazy. Really. I feel like I’m crazy. If I can see everything down on paper it’s easier for me to deal with, and once the anxiety for that particular thing has gone away, I cross it off the list.

Sometimes I just wake up anxious for no reason and then it becomes even more difficult for me because I can’t write it down – how can I add it to the list when I don’t know what’s causing it? It’s this underlying anxiousness that’s obviously being triggered by something, but I don’t know what the trigger is therefore I can’t lay it out in front of myself and pinpoint what it is and how to deal with it.

I’ve realised lately that I’m never in the present moment, like ever. I’m always in my head, constantly overthinking or thinking about the future or the past and I’m never actually here. I’m just constantly zoned out. I’m trying really hard to make a conscious effort to be present. I’m also trying to adopt this attitude of just not caring about anything because I care about so much and it’s so overwhelming, so now I’m trying to just…not care at all. Kind of like a ‘so what’ attitude – when I can feel myself start to overthink or worry about something I just tell myself that I don’t care and that if the worst thing happens then it happens – so what. And then I cancel it out of my brain.

The other night I was lying in bed and my thoughts were completely overwhelming me, you know how in movies when someone’s having a bad dream and the background music starts getting louder and more intense, slowly zooming in on that person’s face until they eventually sit bolt upright gasping for air and the music cuts off faster than you can say…I don’t know, I’m too tired to think of a word right now.

I felt like that was what was happening to me the other night. Everything was getting so loud, so intense, until I suddenly snapped my eyes open and told myself to shut the fuck up. Stupid, I know. Please do not look at me for self-care tips because evidently I have 0. But anyway, I opened my eyes and snapped my brain back into the present moment, away from the thoughts, and suddenly the anxiety and the loud, intense music went away and everything was silent, and I was back in the moment, in the dark, in my bed. That was it.

So now I’m making a conscious effort to try and be present. It takes approximately 0.2 seconds for my mind to start wandering elsewhere and so I have to keep bringing myself back like no, you’re here. Focus on here. Focus on what you’re doing. What are you doing? What are you looking at, what can you see, what can you hear – are you listening to music? What music is it? Are there people around you? What are they doing? And I have to keep prompting myself with questions in order to make sure I stay in the moment otherwise I just zone out and float away. I guess I’ve never really been present so zoning out and being inside my head is my version of reality / normality because I don’t know anything else, but now I’m trying to change that.

I was in the car going somewhere the other day and my heart felt like it was going to burst it was in that much pain. My anxiety makes me feel like I’m going to die. I just thought to myself I cannot keep living like this. It’s crazy. There’s only so long I can say haha this is manageable !! Because it’s not. It’s not manageable. It’s crazy. And it’s unfair. There should be no reason I allow myself to live like this yet I do, but it’s utterly ruining everything and it’s not normal to feel this way. To feel like I’m literally going to pass out or have a breakdown or a panic attack at the slightest change to anything in my life ever – to the slightest inconvenience. It’s ridiculous.

I don’t know what I plan on doing about it, probably nothing. I also don’t know what the point of this post is, I guess my anxiety has just been particularly bad lately (worse than usual) for no real reason other than a lot of inconveniences seem to have cropped up at the same time and it feels like it’s rotting away my brain, honestly.

Sorry if this post was depressing, it wasn’t meant to be. I just like to be honest with you guys and have a chat about how things are going. I hope you’re all doing super well and remember I love you all a ton.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

33 thoughts on “anxiety is ruining my life

  1. Thanks for writing this post. It can be a tiny breath of fresh air knowing that others experience everything that you do – even the little things that make you feel alone and crazy. I’m exactly like you and rarely live in the present moment. I’m always thinking of the next thing…its exhausting and massive cause of my anxiety. I like what you said about asking questions to pull yourself back into the present moment when you’re feeling anxious – I’m definitely going to try that. Thanks for the tip! Happy holidays, hope they’re not too overwhelming for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You’re so welcome lovely. One of my aims is to always try and speak about things that I think too often go unheard, so I always try to be as honest as I can because I know how scary and lonely it can feel when it feels like you’re the only person in the world that feels a certain way. Even though it’s sad, it’s really comforting to know I’m not the only one that feels this way so, thank you for that. I hope you had a lovely Christmas 🎄 xx


    1. I’m so sorry you feel this way but just know you’re never alone. I often feel hopeless a lot of the time and it’s so easy to let this horrible thing take over and make us feel as though it will never end and we’ll never get through it, but we have to. We have to have hope and we have to believe in better days, even though most of the time it feels as though they’ll never come. I’m always here if you need me .xx


  2. Chloe…. I actually have tears in my eyes right now because if I could tell you, SHOW you even how much of what you described I live on a day to day basis… What I have found helps me when I have been stuck inside my own head for too long is forcing myself to meet up with friends. Even if I do not want to. Another thing is keeping myself busy, always doing something, whether it be a personal project or getting lost in a book (preferably fantasy for these kinds of days because I find that a completely different world is sometimes better than one that holds similarities to ours). I also completely understand your thing with lists, I have the same “tick” (if you can even call it that). In a way, I think it’s a coping mechanism like any other – to physically have a problem or worry in front of you can make it seem a lot less scary and more manageable. I think that’s why I love journaling so much – it’s a safe place for me to write about my worries. I often write about myself in the third person, as I have found that it tends to help me keep a clear perspective on what I am going through. Sometimes I need to take a step back from all of my feelings and thoughts, so writing about all of them in third person (and with a healthy distance) is how I deal with that – and often it helps me realise why I am feeling a certain way as well. Maybe this is something that could help you also?

    And, another thing – don’t you ever appologise for they way you’re feeling! I’m serious. There is nothing you need to appologise for. Your feelings are 100% valid and your own. Don’t ever feel like you need to justify that. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this at the moment, I truly am. But I think you’ve made the first important big step: talking about it. Holding everything in can make it so much more worse.

    Sending you a big fat hug – if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh where do I start with this !! You never fail to amaze me, Fiona. Even though it’s a horrible thing to know that other people experience and feel the same things as you do, it’s also somewhat of a bittersweet comfort to know you’re not alone. This whole thing can be incredibly isolating at times so to know there’s other people out there who understand what you go through is a comfort I’m grateful for, even though I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anybody.

      I completely agree with everything you’ve said – I’ve been really trying lately to force myself to actually do things because it’s so easy not to but this time I’m like no, you have to do it, you have to at least try and help yourself. It’s so easy to just fall into a slump and pretend you’re content with doing that when actually, I always find that I end up thanking myself later when I’ve actually pushed myself to go and do something. Books are such a great idea too – especially fantasy! Sometimes books that resemble real life too much don’t do me any favours because I end up just taking on all of the feelings from that instead and rather than getting lost in that world I just get put down by it, I swear I can’t win haha.

      “To physically have a problem or worry in front of you can make it seem a lot less scary and more manageable” YES oh my goodness, you just summed my entire post up in a sentence !! Why couldn’t I have thought of that instead of rambling on for ages !! Journalling is something I’ve always done ever since I can remember, I guess it was just a natural outlet for me in the sense that I never even thought twice every time I picked up a pen to write my feelings down and what was going on in my head at the time. That’s the whole reason I created this blog – I thought to myself that I couldn’t possibly be the only one feeling the way I did and so I started using this space as a way to share my feelings in the hopes of finding people who felt the same way that I did or, helping people to know that they weren’t the only ones feeling that way if they too felt the same way that I did, and I think this conversation says it all in that sense. Thank you for everything 💙 I’m always here if you need me too xxx

      Liked by 2 people

  3. I relate to your entire post!!! Thank you for putting your words out there. I’ve heard that meditation (I have never tried it, I don’t know why…) really helps with anxiety and it clears your head completely.
    I think we all just need some support & love though, especially during breakdowns (and even when we’re not necessarily breaking down!)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reading! Meditation is definitely something on my to-do list and hopefully it’s something I can start properly in the new year (it’s one of my resolutions), and you’re completely right – support & love is exactly what we all need at times like this! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so sorry that you are struggling honey, I also feel this way. I think the pressure of being happy over christmas adds to the pressure of being happy. I am sending so much love your way and really hope things look up for you. xxxx

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I can understand you so well unfortunately. I had this a few weeks ago and it was the worst. I feel calm now but just because I don’t do anything scary such as going to the dentist, job shit… It’s just so bad to feel like you are going to die or having a panic attack. I heard someone that said to a friend that I didn’t try hard to get a job. They think I’m lazy well they have no idea. They think I don’t try hard enough and am good for fun things. People who aren’t suffering from a mental illness will just never understand what it’s like. I’m glad they don’t have to go through it but it’s unfair that we have to deal with judgment and no respect. You have to know that I will always be there for you ❤️ I also find it hard to stay in the present moment. When we are present our mind calms down. Sometimes meditation helps, meds too and talking with someone you trust. Being in nature can help too and moving your body. I have to do that more. I’m always here for you. Btw, last night I woke up and dreamt about you. I was dreaming that I was worried about you. Be safe. I hope my Christmas letter which I sent last week will cheer you a bit up. Hopefully better things will come our way ✨ I love you ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. !! Literally me. The only time I feel calm is when I’m not doing anything aka…not living. And then I just end up getting anxiety about the fact I’m not doing anything when I know I should be. It never ends. I can’t just sit here not doing anything / not living though because it causes me no anxiety…that’s no way to live at all. Ignore whoever says you didn’t try hard to get a job because I know for a fact you did and you try so hard every day to overcome all of your fears, so don’t listen to them at all – they have no idea what it’s like to live with something so debilitating. I’m always here for you too ❤️ always always. I got your letter last week and it was the sweetest thing ever and I am so grateful for you !! I love you so much. I’ll send yours out next week ✨ sorry I take ages to do anything !! I’m trying hehe. Love you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I like the idea of writing down the things that make you anxious so it will lessen your anxiousness. I hope you can list down the things that make you happy and not anxious also. 🙂 Hope you’re doing well. Sending hugs!

    Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s crazy: everything you said is something we discussed in one of our group sessions during my stay at the clinic.

    Being “now” and “in the present” is very difficult. It really is. We learnt some techniques on how to be present. The main one is meditating. I am not sure if you do it already. You just sit comfortably, close your eyes and breathe deeply and continuously. You focus on your senses; the things you can hear, feel, smell etc. once your mind starts to wonder you catch yourself and bring yourself back to the “now.”

    I know that may not help or seem like it will do anything, but try it. You never know. If you have tried it however and it didn’t now work, please feel free to ignore me haha.

    Thinking of you 💐

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I really need to get myself to that clinic hahaha, send me the number 📞 I don’t meditate already but it’s on my list of things to start doing as I’ve heard so many people say how much it helps them mentally and I can definitely see the benefits of it. I really think it’d help me to just breathe and de-stress and I think that paired with journalling and getting my thoughts down would really do me the world of good. I’m pretty much doing it already apart from my version isn’t relaxing and calm, it’s more like, I’m awake and every time my mind starts wandering onto anything that isn’t the present moment I’m like “Chloe snap the hell out of it” ha. Thank you for being great as always 🖤 will reply to your message soon as well (everything has been crazy again lately what’s new). Thinking of you more !! xx

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I have always found that my anxiety gets worse in the winter time when it is colder and I am outside less but also around the Christmas period because honestly, it is a stressful time of year!! If you find something similar, it may be worth taking a vitamin D supplement. May not help at all but worth a try.
    Things that I have found to help my anxiety: meditation (helps you to be in the present moment, guided meditations only though otherwise my mind wanders), medication, journalling, daily gratitude lists, going for walks/exercising, seeing friends/family, spending less time on the internet, eating healthily and properly, avoiding caffeine and having a pet.
    Someone once said to me something along the lines of, you are the only person that has to suffer with your anxiety and you are the only person that is miserable because of it so it is up to you whether you makes changes to reduce your anxiety or not and improve your life. For some reason it really stuck with me (not the exact words though unfortunately). xx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Agreed, I’d say Winter is the main reason SAD exists. I actually find Christmas quite an emotional time of year thinking about loved ones and the past…it’s almost depressing sometimes when you think about the people who are no longer here and who you wish you could spend Christmas with etc. – it’s strange. It’s supposed to be the happiest time of year but at the same time there’s always that underlying sadness to it. It was definitely better when we were kids! I’ll definitely have a look into the supplements – I’ve been looking into over the counter anxiety medication so to speak so anything is worth a try. I’ve been meaning to try out meditation for a while too actually – I’ve put it on my to do list for things I want to start in 2019. I really think it’ll help to de-stress me and clear my head! Journalling is a lifesaver too so completely agree with you on that one, it keeps me sane – and of course staying off the internet and having a pet! The internet contributes to so much of my anxiety that when I’m not on it I feel like I can actually breathe. It’s crazy. Thank you so much for all the recs and I completely agree with your last quote – we’re in charge and so we have to make the decisions here and take control. Thank you so much for your lovely words as always Hannah 💙 hope you’re well .xx

      Liked by 3 people

      1. I have not suffered a lot of loss in my life so I can only sympathise not emphasise, but I cannot imagine life without some of the people I spend most of my time with. I can imagine it is a painful time for those who have recently lost their loved ones but I can also see it being a good time to honour their memory – so many traditions are associated with Christmas and I know that even though I have moved out, I still carry out a lot of the traditions that I was raised with. I hope that you have similar traditions that can make you feel as if your loved ones are still with you at this time of year.
        If aromatherapy works for you at all, try Neal’s Yard Women’s Balance Remedies to Roll. I read in an article in Cosmo that it is meant to be good for anxiety.
        I hope 2020 is the year that your mental health really takes a turn for the better and I am here if you ever need to talk. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  9. I honestly haven’t been myself lately, as well. There would come moments when I feel like I was floating into nothingness even when I’m surrounded by the people closest to me. It’s either my thoughts are too loud that I feel overpowered or I can’t hear anything at all. And the feeling sucks. I can’t tell you that everything’s going to be okay eventually because I have no idea what it feels to be you while you go through that. One thing’s for sure though and it’s that you are not alone on this one. 😊❤️ Sending virtual hugs!!!! Feel free to drop me an e-mail if you need to!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. You just summed everything up perfectly! I’m so sorry you feel this way too 💙 it truly is a battle. You are so sweet and thank you so much for your words, it really is comforting to know I’m not alone in this, albeit it being sad since it’s heartbreaking to know so many people experience it when none of us should ever have to. I’m always here if you need me 💜 Sending big virtual hugs right back xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I’ve struggled with depression more so than anxiety, but when I’ve had my bouts here and there it’s been terrible. I can’t imagine living with something so debilitating on the daily! I know how much it interferes with every part of your life. It can feel all consuming. Whenever I feel stress or anxiety coming on, I try and take a stress gummy. I think they’re infused with essential oils or something of the like. I don’t know how much they’d help with severe anxiety but I guess anything is worth a try.

    Hope you’re well angel xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ever since I was younger my depression has always been worst, but over the past couple of years my anxiety seems to have overtaken it – either that or my anxiety has always been worse but the depression made it feel like it wasn’t. I’m not sure. I’ll have a look into stress gummies – you’re right, they’re worth a try! Thanks for reading angel, hope you’re well .xxx


      1. Mental health.. physical health. Health! It feels like it’s occupied such a large part of my life. I know I think about it a great deal. I’m sitting here and I feel terribly anxious, almost to the point of being sick. Not a clue why, but it’s terrible 🤦‍♀️

        Liked by 1 person

  11. I was reading this and every word could’ve been written by me. I literally am lying in bed working myself up into such a state that I have to open my eyes, sit up and tell myself to SHUT UP because it’s so intense and then the next morning I’ll be fine, totally fine. It’s exactly like a roller coaster. Sending you MASSIVE BUNDLES OF LOVE AND HUGS. Always here 💖💗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. we’re all in this together and we got this !! that’s what we have to keep telling ourselves haha 💗 thank you angel. your words always mean so much to me !! sending you so much love right back xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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