IT’S MY BIRTHDAY! Well, it was on Saturday (25th) so of course, it’s not my birthday anymore, and as you can probably guess by the title of this post, I turned…
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t been waiting since 2012 in order to use that line. This is the only reason I wanted to turn 22. My whole life has been leading up to this moment.
Do I feel 22? No. I’m old, man. People keep laughing at me when I say that because in the grand scheme of things 22 is incredibly young and if I’m unlucky enough to live long enough I still have another 50+ years on this God forsaken planet so, 22 is simply just a tiny spec of dust on the timeline however –
I am old.
How did I get to 22. I still feel about 16 and also, still look it apparently. Funny story – my brother is 16 and I went to his college open evening with him a few weeks back which is basically where you look around the college to get a taster for it and see if you want to enrol there or not. Usually, these 16 year olds go with their parents to look around but I went with my brother instead just because it was easier and every single student and member of staff in that building thought it was me enrolling instead. ME.
My mum said I should’ve been flattered but I was seriously just so embarrassed, teachers were coming up to me and offering me leaflets, students were asking what I was planning on studying…at one point we walked into this classroom and a guy came up to me and started going through the curriculum with me because he thought I was interested in taking that particular subject. I did not know what to do. I was like…should I say something ?? Should I just stay quiet ?? In the end I said nothing and just let him go through the curriculum but then because I hadn’t said a word in literally 5 minutes he suddenly looked up and went… “you are interested in studying this subject, aren’t you?”
And I had to look him dead in the face and say “…I’m 22.”
His face at that point went redder than mine and he was like “Oh my God I’m so sorry. You look so young !!” and I was just thinking well, this is the last college open evening I’ll be accompanying my brother to.
They didn’t even speak to my brother because they thought he was older than me, every time they asked me a question about studying I kept diverting it to him since it was him they needed to be asking instead but apparently they still were not getting the message and continued to ask me things and yeah it was just a hot mess. We laughed about it afterwards but jeeeeez. I knew I looked young but I !! am !! 22 !! not !! 16 !!
Anyway (second time lucky), what is the point of this post I hear you ask? Or maybe you’re not asking because you haven’t read this far in which case I wouldn’t blame you since I’ve gone off on a rambling tangent yet again as always, but the point is there is no point to this post, I just wanted to say something that marked the fact I’d turned 22. I’m seriously at this stage now where people ask me how old I am and I don’t want to tell them because I feel so old. 22 !! That’s the age of an adult. AN ADULT. Am I an adult? No. I still love Disney and Kpop and don’t like doing things by myself and still wish I could rely on my mum to speak on behalf of me when I have to do things I don’t like. I hate going to the bank and filling my car up with petrol and booking my own dentist appointments and I hate adulting. It’s not fun. It’s boring. Will I ever class myself as an adult or an authority figure? No. I love Dumbo and YA novels and wish I could marry everyone in Kpop. I’m learning to be okay with it. I’m learning to be okay with the fact that I’m not engaged with my own house and children and yada yada freaking yada because that’s just not me and you know what? THAT’S FINE. It’s fine. I am me. I like writing and reading and going to Disneyland and I like Kpop and being in love with Harry Styles and wishing Ari was my best friend and I have an obsession with Dumbo soft toys and collecting cute pins and IT’S FINE. It’s all fine. My friend tells me that age isn’t important and that it’s all about how you feel in your mind instead (in which case, I am 2 years old). All I really want in life now is just to be myself, because I feel like I was hiding for so long and now I just…don’t care. I want my reason for everything to be because I’m being myself, if that makes sense. I just want to be myself, whether that’s cool or following the ageing timeline or not.
On a more depressive note, I spent the whole day feeling out of body and just generally weird. Didn’t really feel like I was here and was on the verge of tears all day, and then I went out for a meal with my family and ended up bawling my eyes out at the table for absolutely no reason at all. Everyone kept asking what was wrong and my answer was I don’t know, I really don’t know. I guess now that I’m getting older I don’t really like my birthday anymore because I don’t like the attention and I don’t like things being about me, and I don’t like to think about the fact I’m getting older and honestly I just wanted to be by myself. I don’t know. Anxiety is apparently not exempt from birthdays either people !! When I got home I went straight to bed because I was so exhausted, though to be honest I’d felt drained since I’d woken up that morning and I could just tell it was going to be a spaced out day, and it was. I was spaced out the whole time. Some days I wake up and don’t feel like myself, but I didn’t realise your birthday could be one of them. I just told myself that that was simply all I had to give that day and that it was all I could manage, and I just accepted it.
Anyway, I’m glad it’s not the 25th anymore and now I can actually…just sit here and enjoy my birthday…without it being my birthday. Does that make sense? Probably not.
I might do a what I got for my birthday post, I might not, we’ll see. I have a whole bunch of blog posts I need to finish up so we’ll see if I ever get round to it! I have so much to do these days I don’t even know where to begin with it all.
All my love,