deep

projecting insecurities

My biggest problem. Something that I constantly work on but cannot seem to fix. In some ways, I don’t think I’ll ever fix it because I’ll always have insecurities, I just need to work on managing them better. Managing my insecurities – another thing I cannot do. In that sense emotionally, I feel like a child. A child who gets frustrated and scared and doesn’t know how to act, so I just project. Onto the people I love, the people closest to me. I project and reject and it all comes hurtling back at me until I’m in a mess wondering how the hell I got there. It was myself. It was me projecting my insecurities, again. Sitting on the floor wondering why I feel so emotionally stuck and why there’s a bunch of non-existent problems that seem to be floating around my head but I can’t explain them or tell them to other people because they’re not tangible and I don’t even know what they are yet they’re ruining things for me anyway. I’m ruining things for myself anyway. People ask why I’m angry or why I’m sad and I’m not angry and I’m not sad but I am. At them even though they haven’t done anything wrong and at myself and at everything else and I can’t fix the problem because I don’t know what it is, I just know that my anxiety has created this horrible feeling associated with the things I love and now I love those things less even though those things never changed. Those people never changed but I feel like I might love them a little less because of the things my brain is telling me and I feel like I have to withdraw and distance myself because I’m in too deep and it’s all too much and I’m going to get hurt but the only one actually doing any damage here is me. The only one causing destruction here is myself. I’m distancing myself and acting differently because I’m projecting my insecurities and when I feel like things have changed it’s only because the things and people I’m trying to distance myself from are reacting to my behaviour because the only one that’s changing here is me – of course they’re going to react to that and act differently, too. But I don’t see that. I see that as my instincts being confirmed. I see that as my gut being right because I knew I had cause to be anxious, I knew this was going to happen. But that isn’t it and it isn’t true. It isn’t true at all. But in the moment it’s hard to see that even though I know that’s what the truth actually is. But I overpower myself. The anxious part of me overpowers ever other reasoning part of my brain and then I end up here. Like this. But I’m trying. I’m aware of it and I’m trying. And maybe that’s all I can do.

“And it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound, it’s hard to be anywhere these days. I just wanted you to know, that this is me trying (maybe I don’t quite know what to say). This is me trying.”

11 thoughts on “projecting insecurities

  1. I’ve seen insecurities in so many of my clients, low self-esteem, self judgement. I’m no psychologist but for years I’ve been meditating, it took time, and work, to settle and think of nothing. But after a few months the change was massive, and it’s this that I tell my clients to do.

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  2. Very profound as always- I hope you’re feeling okay Chloe. Always here for you if you’d like to chat. I know that life can feel like one big build up with little channels of proper release. I experienced a horrible bout of social anxiety the other day when I was meant to be performing for my drama class. I’ve performed before but I was ill confident with this assignment as I didn’t have much time to prepare, speak with an accent, memorise lines and use physicality. It was tough. My insecurities did win out and I really wished I’d overpowered them.

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    1. Thank you Maryam πŸ’™ so sorry to hear your insecurities won the other day, but this is a daily battle and every day we have to choose to fight – even if we don’t always win. Sending you lots of love xx

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  3. Insecurity has a way of ruining things and shutting people out because you’re scared of everything which sucks, one thing i believe has helped with this is the bible and loads and loads of journalling, focussing on the things I’m good at and loads of Selflove playlist.
    I’ve also learnt to give myself grace when that season comes back up, i like to see life as seasons we all have our summer (high points)and winter( low days)
    I hope you’re doing okay and take care❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much angel πŸ’ž this really means such a lot. Thank you for sharing the things that have helped you! Maybe I can try them too, one of things I’m trying hard to do at the moment is forgive myself a lot more, I think it’s working .xxx

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