My biggest problem. Something that I constantly work on but cannot seem to fix. In some ways, I don’t think I’ll ever fix it because I’ll always have insecurities, I just need to work on managing them better. Managing my insecurities – another thing I cannot do. In that sense emotionally, I feel like a child. A child who gets frustrated and scared and doesn’t know how to act, so I just project. Onto the people I love, the people closest to me. I project and reject and it all comes hurtling back at me until I’m in a mess wondering how the hell I got there. It was myself. It was me projecting my insecurities, again. Sitting on the floor wondering why I feel so emotionally stuck and why there’s a bunch of non-existent problems that seem to be floating around my head but I can’t explain them or tell them to other people because they’re not tangible and I don’t even know what they are yet they’re ruining things for me anyway. I’m ruining things for myself anyway. People ask why I’m angry or why I’m sad and I’m not angry and I’m not sad but I am. At them even though they haven’t done anything wrong and at myself and at everything else and I can’t fix the problem because I don’t know what it is, I just know that my anxiety has created this horrible feeling associated with the things I love and now I love those things less even though those things never changed. Those people never changed but I feel like I might love them a little less because of the things my brain is telling me and I feel like I have to withdraw and distance myself because I’m in too deep and it’s all too much and I’m going to get hurt but the only one actually doing any damage here is me. The only one causing destruction here is myself. I’m distancing myself and acting differently because I’m projecting my insecurities and when I feel like things have changed it’s only because the things and people I’m trying to distance myself from are reacting to my behaviour because the only one that’s changing here is me – of course they’re going to react to that and act differently, too. But I don’t see that. I see that as my instincts being confirmed. I see that as my gut being right because I knew I had cause to be anxious, I knew this was going to happen. But that isn’t it and it isn’t true. It isn’t true at all. But in the moment it’s hard to see that even though I know that’s what the truth actually is. But I overpower myself. The anxious part of me overpowers ever other reasoning part of my brain and then I end up here. Like this. But I’m trying. I’m aware of it and I’m trying. And maybe that’s all I can do.
“And it’s hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound, it’s hard to be anywhere these days. I just wanted you to know, that this is me trying (maybe I don’t quite know what to say). This is me trying.”