There’s so many things that as I’m getting older, I’m learning to forgive myself for. Forgiving is such a graceful act, and I need to give myself more grace. Throughout life I’ve always told myself that everything was my fault, through lack of self love – everything went wrong because of you, this person left because of you, because you’re unlovable, because you’re too much, because you’re this and because you’re that.
As I’m getting older, I’m learning to forgive myself. For lots of things. Things that don’t even require forgiveness, but that I need to give myself anyway because I chastise myself for too many things, and I shouldn’t, but I do, because my insecurities are ridiculously big and I blame myself for everything.
But not so much anymore, because I’m learning to forgive myself, which I think is something everyone should do. I think it’s important to do. It’s made me feel closer to myself and it’s made me feel safer with myself. I don’t feel very safe with myself sometimes, you’re supposed to be your own home and sometimes I feel that way and sometimes I don’t. When my anxiety takes hold, which is unfortunately more often than not, my body doesn’t feel like a home anymore, it feels like a prison, and I don’t feel safe. Forgiveness is making me feel safe, because I’m learning to accept things and to tell myself that it’s okay, I can try again. I can always try again. It’s okay because you’re trying and I forgive you for being the way that you are, Chloe. I used to always try and change the way that I was or hide it, because I guess I wanted people to think I was something that I wasn’t – if I hide and therefore protect the real me, no one can hurt me. But now I forgive myself for it, I forgive myself for the things I wish I wasn’t, and for trying to hide those things in the first place in case people didn’t find me cool or interesting or anything else I shouldn’t have cared about. You get the idea.
When I mess up, when I act out of anxiety or anger or sadness, when I do anything that I used to chastise myself for, I forgive myself, because at least one person needs to understand you in this world, and I’ll be damned if it can’t be myself. I lie there and say things to myself, I tell myself the things I need to hear because lord knows I don’t hear it from anyone else, so I’ve taken up that job myself now. I tell myself that it’s okay. I tell myself that I’m in control. I hold my own hands and I give myself a hug because sometimes you just need it. I’m learning to stop holding on to things from the past, I’m learning to forgive myself for them and to let them go. All of these feelings I keep holding on to, all of these past memories and “what ifs” – I forgive myself. Because sometimes it was all I could do at the time and sometimes I could’ve done more but I didn’t, but I forgive myself for that too. I hold myself accountable for the right things, and now I forgive myself for the things that I thought were the right things but have learned were the wrong things – things I didn’t need to be accountable for but continued to anyway because I was holding on to them for no reason. I was only hurting myself. I was only weighing myself down and sinking. And for what? There’s no glory in that. There’s no gratitude or grace in something like that.
But there is a lot of grace in forgiveness, and there’s a lot of freedom, too. I feel freer. I feel closer to myself. I feel that I handle myself with more grace and more care than I did before, because I recognise myself. I recognise myself as a person that needs to be taken care of and I need to be the one to do it. I need to school myself and teach myself and be the things I need. Self care. Maturity. Growth. Safety. It’s all a part of it. So learn to forgive yourself, and if you’re not quite there yet, then I forgive you.
And one day, you’ll forgive yourself too.
All my love,