starting anew

I’m having my room redone at the moment. The last time I had it done was when I was around 16. I remember enjoying how spacious it was after everything had been moved out of it in order to make room for the decorating. I liked the open white walls and having my bed in the centre of my room, the centre of everything at that time as it was the only piece of furniture I had in there. Lazing around on it all day and getting tangled in the sheets as I read and wrote, as I watched videos and listened to music. I remember putting the room back together afterwards and blasting Paramore thinking yes, this is me. I enjoyed the echo, the emptiness of the spaces not yet filled, the sounds bouncing between the four walls with my windows open hoping everyone could hear me being reborn, hear my old space shedding its skin in order to make room for the new one.

I remember right now, sitting here at 23, in the empty space between these four walls again, thinking of how far I’ve come since then, how much I’ve changed and how much I’ve stayed the same. How much I want to open the windows and blast Paramore once again, how much I want to play Lana at full volume and have her voice echo throughout this room and into my body as the reminder that she is at the core of everything I am and always will be, at everything I have been and will continue to be. I am changed, but I am still the same. I’m still 16, and I’m 23. I’m still 23. I’m free and I’m 23 and I’m everything I’m supposed to be.

Moving the things out of my room hurt my heart a little bit, it felt like I was disappearing. Like I was getting rid of myself without the knowledge that I would be coming back. But I am. I’m coming back new, and I’m reminded of that Summer when I did the same at 16, with the music and the light and the warmth, with the sound of the birds outside and the breeze drifting in through the open windows. I’m airing it out. I’m starting again.

I wonder what 23 will have in store for me.

– elvis is my daddy, marilyn’s my mother, jesus is my bestest friend . we don’t need nobody, ’cause we got each other, or at least i pretend

4 thoughts on “starting anew

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