butterfly soliloquy

Sometimes I think comfort and home can be present in a person straight away, rather than something you build up to. I read once that after the initial butterflies die down you don’t get them anymore, because what you get instead is comfort and familiarity because this person is your home and they never make you feel anything but safe. Sometimes I think you can feel that straight away – the comfort and the adultness of feeling safe with a person, less butterflies more love. Now that I’m older my mind works so differently to the way it used to and I haven’t been able to appreciate it until recently as I’m re-experiencing things I used to know and can therefore see how my mind has changed. I really do feel older now, which is strange because I’ve always been “old” for my age but these days I do really feel it, in a good way. I can feel the growth within me and how safe I make myself feel because of it, because I know I can trust myself, even if I still don’t really know what I’m doing.

We’re sat on your kitchen floor smoking but I don’t even smoke. I’m going through your kitchen cupboards telling you how you should be organising your things even though I’ve had way too much to drink for that to be my priority right now. I’m wearing your jacket which I think was on the back of the door but I’m not sure where it came from or how long I’ve been wearing it, I just know I was cold. You say I look cute. We sit on the steps and I don’t know how I come to talk about it but I tell you that no one ever stays and no one ever sticks around for me because no one ever wants me, I’m crying but my face is numb and you hold it in your hands and say that you want me, you’re going to stick around for me. “No one ever wants me” // “I do”. I talk about things I still haven’t healed from, I haven’t healed from most of the things that have happened to me in life which is clear as I’m crying to you for the second time that night, though it could just be the vodka talking. You make me talk about things I don’t want to talk about but I do because I want you to know but I’m too fragile and too scared and not healed to talk about it without crying. You wipe the tears from my face and I question you because really do you want this? I’m a bit of a mess, aren’t I. You don’t even flinch as you say yes.

10 thoughts on “butterfly soliloquy

  1. this made me feel so many things at the same time. Your writing is INCREDIBLE chlo! It’s so funny to be reading this, as I just talked to someone about feeling “old in a good way” when it comes to not just love but our perception of everything – life – in general.

    What I value and what I am looking for in a partner has changed so much these past two years. And comfort is one of those things. I’m dating someone right now and just felt so “at home” with him from the moment we met. The younger me wouldn’t have appreciated or understood how special that is as much as I do now. And I think it’s always a good sign if you WANT to talk about the difficult, raw and ugly side of things with a person. Those are the people to hold onto and cherish, as they accept and love us for who we are.

    Hope you are doing well, sending u love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. oh fiona 🥺🥺 thank you !! i don’t really think much of these ones because it’s kind of like a splurge of my feelings so i never really think the writing itself is that good but i’m so glad you feel like it is, that means everything 💗 and yes !! i agree so much. i think at first i was worried because i didn’t get those “butterflies” but what i was feeling instead was something much deeper and familiar, and that’s when i had the realisation . sending you so much love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again – I adore your writing, Chloe. You made me feel the butterflies and the comfort through your words, effortlessly.

    I’ve been thinking about how the meaning of love has changed so much for me as well. There was a time when I almost feared the loss of the initial butterflies because I wanted things to always feel new and exciting and the wonderful kind of awkward where you still aren’t used to your hands touching when you walk beside your partner. But now I’m realising that the comfort in past relationships never felt as lovely as it should because it didn’t really exist. Trying to heal myself has opened my eyes to what comfort truly should feel like, and now, I look forward to experiencing it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This is such a wonderful comment Arshia, thank you so much for sharing and for your lovely words as always 💞 they mean so much. We’re forever growing and changing with time and that therefore also changes the way we experience things along with what they mean to us. Couldn’t have put it better myself .xxx


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