Sometimes I think comfort and home can be present in a person straight away, rather than something you build up to. I read once that after the initial butterflies die down you don’t get them anymore, because what you get instead is comfort and familiarity because this person is your home and they never make you feel anything but safe. Sometimes I think you can feel that straight away – the comfort and the adultness of feeling safe with a person, less butterflies more love. Now that I’m older my mind works so differently to the way it used to and I haven’t been able to appreciate it until recently as I’m re-experiencing things I used to know and can therefore see how my mind has changed. I really do feel older now, which is strange because I’ve always been “old” for my age but these days I do really feel it, in a good way. I can feel the growth within me and how safe I make myself feel because of it, because I know I can trust myself, even if I still don’t really know what I’m doing.
We’re sat on your kitchen floor smoking but I don’t even smoke. I’m going through your kitchen cupboards telling you how you should be organising your things even though I’ve had way too much to drink for that to be my priority right now. I’m wearing your jacket which I think was on the back of the door but I’m not sure where it came from or how long I’ve been wearing it, I just know I was cold. You say I look cute. We sit on the steps and I don’t know how I come to talk about it but I tell you that no one ever stays and no one ever sticks around for me because no one ever wants me, I’m crying but my face is numb and you hold it in your hands and say that you want me, you’re going to stick around for me. “No one ever wants me” // “I do”. I talk about things I still haven’t healed from, I haven’t healed from most of the things that have happened to me in life which is clear as I’m crying to you for the second time that night, though it could just be the vodka talking. You make me talk about things I don’t want to talk about but I do because I want you to know but I’m too fragile and too scared and not healed to talk about it without crying. You wipe the tears from my face and I question you because really do you want this? I’m a bit of a mess, aren’t I. You don’t even flinch as you say yes.