deep

white noise

What do I want to write – something. Anything. Something long and ambiguous. I let the thoughts trail out in my head and now I wish I’d started writing this sooner. How do I feel lately? Older. Stronger. Better. Like I could be relied upon. Like someone could look at me and find comfort, because I could be comfort. Just want to sit here and write to pass the time. Feel like lately all I’m doing is waiting for time to pass – the lead up to the big event – waiting for something to happen to me, waiting to experience whatever’s on the cards that day. Life is too short for me to be waiting around for things to happen but I’m still trying to work that one out. Trying to figure out a way to constantly make memories without constantly having to wait for things to happen. Not quite there yet. I just sit here watching the minutes tick by, wondering why everyone else is still asleep and I’m awake. Checking my phone to see nothing, just waiting, waiting. Feeling the high when something happens and crashing down again when it ends. Fun. On a rollercoaster but wish I could always stay at the highest point, though the fast drops don’t make me want to get off yet either. Think I’m just hoping this coaster has an everchanging track and isn’t one that’s going to keep taking me round in circles. Can’t keep experiencing the same thing waiting for it to change, can’t keep thinking that something will happen in future when really, what is the future? Just a way to escape the present, to kid myself that things will change at some point even though they probably won’t. I’m okay with that little lie for now though, still figuring things out. Wondering how to take the next step. Wondering what that even is. It’s not even 9am, is what it is, and I’m sat here wondering and waiting. For what? Something. Today will not be extraordinary yet I wait for it to happen anyway. Wishful thinking or hopelessness? Not sure. I don’t feel sad about it, not right now anyway. I may do later if the rollercoaster dips again, might try and take control of it myself for once…at some point. But I don’t know how it works. Not sure I could drive it, I could learn though, couldn’t I? You can always learn. Everything is a lesson anyway, even the mistakes. That’s what I tell myself, even the things that are hurting you or doing you wrong right now will be a lesson – something to learn from. Something to experience that you hopefully won’t do again because you’ve been there, done that and now you know better. It’s all just knowledge. Taking it all in. I’m learning, I say. I’m observing. I’m just learning, about the way this is and the way things work and maybe it’ll never change and maybe it will. Still learning about that part, or maybe I’ll have to skip that lesson altogether if it takes too long, I probably would’ve decided to get up from my desk and walk out at that point anyway. Is this ambiguous enough yet? I’m saying nothing and everything. Or everything and nothing, depending on which one you think sounds better. Getting into a routine now of doing the things I used to before I started learning lessons – create and read and write, take note and learn. Fill up the time. Let it pass. I hate to sit and do nothing; my mind is itching for colour. That’s why I’m writing this. That’s why I’m writing nothing and everything. But I’m okay, because this is my school and I’ve chosen to enrol, chosen to learn values and worth and everything in between. I can be hot and I can be cold, and some days I can be in the middle. As long as I don’t boil over or freeze too much, I’ll be alright. Keep it neutral. Keep the peace. Keep the information in your head and take it with you because you’ll need it. Forgive but don’t forget. Be smart. Be wise. Look after yourself, always have your best interests at heart, be part of it but not too much, just lightly hover on the surface, that way you can learn but not get hurt. Life is too short to be doing that to yourself, and for what? To say you experienced it? To say you’ve been through loneliness and heartbreak? I think I’ve had enough of that for now. Maybe when I run out of words I’ll ask for it again, but right now I’m good. Thank you for the offer, but I’d like to politely decline. Goodnight.

a telephone call you’ll never make

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