not so deep (chatty)

into the rush

Lately in life I’ve noticed that I’m always in a rush. As someone who’s always been early / on time for just about any and every event ever, I’m not sure why I’m always running around like I’m in a rush, but I am. It causes me to make silly little mistakes that end up costing me in the long run, and recently I’ve just been thinking Chloe…why are you always in such a rush? What are you rushing for? It’s not like you’re an impatient person, so why are you always rushing around in a constant state of panic like the world’s going to end if you don’t complete a certain task as quickly as possible?

Lately I’ve just been taking my time. Making a conscious effort not to rush. I think it might possibly be an anxiety thing, where I’m just constantly rushing to get things done because oh God please get me out of this situation asap I don’t want to spend any longer here / doing this than I have to, but I think I associate those feelings within those situations with the way I used to feel / behave when I was a teenager, and I’ve grown so much and become so much more confident now at 23 that I don’t feel that type of anxiety anymore when I’m out and about doing things. I go to run errands and I no longer feel like my heart’s going to fall out of my chest or like I can’t breathe, I’m no longer in a state of panic with sirens and alarm bells ringing inside my head screaming abort mission abort mission. Hard to train your brain to recognise / realise that old behaviours and habits are no longer so, especially when it’s all you’ve known / something you’ve dealt with your entire life.

So now I just take my time, and I look around and I take things in rather than just staring at the floor. People probably now look at me and thinking wow look at her, acting like she’s got all the time in the world. I don’t. Or maybe I do. Maybe I have just enough time to take it all in whilst I still can, because at some point there’ll come a day where I’ll see the sky for the last time and I won’t know it, and don’t I want to remember what that looked like? I drive like I’m in a rush when I’m not, and it was the nicest thing to actually take my time and have a comfortable drive where I didn’t feel like I was trying to play Mario Cart in my vehicle. Poetic, I know. I keep feeling like life is happening around me and away from me and I need to be part of it, I need to get there as soon as I can. But life is happening here, right now, it’s happening to me in this very moment and it’s happening in my car and it’s happening everywhere I am, so why am I always rushing in an attempt to be somewhere else? I feel like I’m missing everything, but I’m not.

So now I walk like I don’t have a care in the world or anywhere to be, and it’s nice, and I drive like I’m not 30 minutes late to an appointment I don’t actually have. I actually look people in the eye now, I raise my face to the sun. I open myself up to the world. I breathe and I take my time and it’s good. Life is good. I didn’t realise how nice it was to just breathe.

8 thoughts on “into the rush

  1. I gotta get on your level. I 100% feel what you’re saying gal, you still manage to put all my feelings into words so perfectly it’s insane. My little hang up is I have to be looking forward to something. Like whether it’s an event or a booking or hanging out with friends, heck even a haircut…I have to have something coming up that I can look forward and it’s really cramping my ability to just enjoy the moment, like you said. We’re working on it, trust me, lockdown’s giving me plenty of time to simmer in it, but it’s something I need to really put in some work to fix. hope you’re well angel xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Omg yes !! I feel like I’m always planning and needing to have things lined up these days because I can’t just sit and accept the fact I’m also allowed to do nothing for a while and just enjoy being present and in the moment – I need to just slow down. I can always count on you to know exactly how I’m feeling !! Sending lots of good vibes your way angel girl, hope you’re equally well!! xx


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