earthside

my anxiety has been playing up a lot lately . i’ve decided in order to fix this i should be spending time outdoors . i’ve also been reading conversations with friends by sally rooney and have noticed my inner monologue change to that of frances and the way that she thinks . or maybe we think the same and she has just inspired me to sustain more of her narrative . either way i’m spending more time outside . breathing in fresh air and looking at the sky . walking and listening to music, sitting outside and reading . i’ve stopped looking at screens, started taking breaks . i deactivated my instagram and haven’t felt a single urge to use it since . i text my friends and i send them photos i think they might like on snapchat, but that’s all . i call my boyfriend and then i see him in real life . my phone is just a tool, it’s not a life . i don’t exist in there, nothing does . it’s just a way to communicate when physicality isn’t possible . the rest is all just made up, a construction . when you live in the moment you realise that nothing else matters very much . would i rather sit outside with the sun on my face or lock myself inside staring at a screen and worrying about things that don’t exist . creating problems that aren’t there because technology is feeding me lies. i don’t believe humans were built for such things, i don’t believe we were made to handle it. my brain certainly wasn’t, anyway . and so here i am, fixing it . making myself better . making it better. it’s nice . i took my dog for a walk and saw lots of white feathers that meant something . i realised it’s okay for me to think certain things and it doesn’t make me a bad person if i do, it makes me human . nothing really matters. it doesn’t matter. stop worrying about things that don’t exist and creating problems in your head just to see how you feel about them like you’re trying to prove a point. it achieves nothing. the only person it hurts is yourself. i have to stop worrying about ridiculous things. i’m a good person and it’s all okay. the earth will heal me and i will breathe and write and read and be present. i will live in the real world only, with real people and real emotions. i am trusted and loved. i will not mess this up.