deep

sour

Anxiety, anxiety, started following me.

To put it lightly.

It’s driving me crazy. Ever since this anxiety trip it’s been a constant battle, I’ve lost myself a lot and ever since it’s just been a battle of fighting to try and get myself back and more importantly, to stay there. I don’t feel very stable. One minute I’m okay and the next I’m not, one minute I can breathe and the next I can’t. I feel restless and I want to go on a huge run and not stop. The second I start to feel okay, something comes along and ruins it again. Trying trying trying so hard but it’s very exhausting, and I just wish I didn’t have to constantly try. All the time. I wonder what it’s like to just wake up and not have to go about your day trying to navigate the world in a way that doesn’t trigger you at every twist and turn. It’s like I’m living in a minefield. I just want to turn my phone off and be in the real world and not think about a single thing else, but I can’t do that because then I’d get anxiety over all the people I’m not able to talk to due to having my phone switched off. It feels a bit like everyone’s out to get you and everyone’s on the attack, even though they’re not, so you don’t feel very safe and you feel jumpy, constantly looking over your shoulder all the time on the lookout for an attack. You want to disappear so people can’t find you or come after you…that’s anxiety for you. And then your moods go up and down a lot, so even when you do feel okay…it doesn’t last for very long. Yesterday on my walk I felt euphoric and I felt absolutely 100% okay, I felt like I could breathe and I was like wow, I’m okay. It’s all okay. And then a few hours later it all came crashing down again and I couldn’t remember what that good feeling had even felt like. It felt like a lifetime away. And this constant wave of being up and down like a yoyo is exhausting, trying to maintain the highs and prevent the lows, navigating life like you’re in a minefield, never actually being able to just be. To just live and be present and be okay, to just live normally…but instead I’m always just in my head, thinking thinking thinking. It’s Monday, and I feel fine but there’s always this underlying feeling of uneasiness swimming inside me anyway. A huge wave ready to crash and break at any moment. I need fresh air and to go outside. It’s like I get to work and I want to come home, but if I was to go home I’d have exactly the same problem because I can’t run away from it, and at least if I’m at work I’m distracted. I feel like I can no longer just sit and be, I’m constantly trying to find ways to fill up my time in order for it to pass – I just count down the days and the more time that passes the better I feel, because at least I’m doing it – I coped through another week, I managed another day…and so on and so forth. I’d like to take time off but again, I can’t just sit and be. But then I do think about it sometimes and get excited – when I get home I can do this this and this…but then I get home and I have no motivation, and the idea is always better than the reality, and then I sit there not doing anything, feeling like I have nothing to do because the things I was excited about earlier now seem extremely unappealing to me in the present. Always using the future to escape the present.

Writing is my way of dealing with things and so I have no issue with getting all of this out – being honest and talking about how I feel, I used to do it because I wanted to relate to other people as a way of being like hey, I feel like this too. Now though, I do it as more of a selfish act I suppose, I do it because I want to talk about it and get it out of my system and onto the page. I’m just talking, to myself I guess, and sharing it. Whatever anyone else wants to do with that information is entirely up to them. I finished a book last night called Eliza and her Monsters, which is a YA about anxiety, basically. At the moment I’m feeling a lot of comfort, easy reads – a YA about anxiety that I can whizz through is good. Currently reading Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire which I won’t promote for obvious reasons, but I needed an easy comfort read and my boyfriend and I have been playing a lot of the Lego Harry Potter games recently (yes, you heard that right – they’re actually very good) and so I thought I’d have a read.

Overall I’m fine, and I feel fine, and within my body I feel fine, but it’s like my brain just can’t accept that that’s the truth, and so my mind is always on edge just in case…because what if. I know that what I’m feeling right now and the content of this post is based off of my particular mood at this moment in time and not an overall general feeling, and that tomorrow I won’t feel this way and I’ll probably wonder whether to even post this or not as it’ll no longer apply – it was just a “phase” – but that phase comes too often and next Monday I’ll be sat here probably saying the exact same thing, so I might as well just post it anyway. Nothing is linear. I was thinking of paying for a therapist, or demanding to be put on anxiety medication…just something. I say these things though and know I won’t do either of them. At least the thought is there – yet another thing for me to escape the present with.

A lot of the time wallowing in it does not help, sometimes you need to wallow, but for me it kind of makes it worse. I need to listen to happy music – at the minute I’ve been using the radio feature on Spotify instead of listening to my own playlists, because it allows me to separate myself from those songs and the feelings that come along with them, so I can’t think about anything – I need to get up and stop staring at the screen…I need to stop feeding into it because that just makes it more real and a lot of the time, right now for example, my brain is like “things can’t just be okay, so something must be wrong” and then I’m like wow, yes brain, yes my lovely, self-sabotaging, lying brain, you must be correct! But that’s not the truth. The truth is that I’m fine, and that my brain is feeding me lies, so the logical and right thing to do is to acknowledge the thought, acknowledge that it’s a lie and therefore ignore it, swipe it away, and get on with my day. Chloe however, doesn’t often do this depending on how susceptible she is to her own anxious thoughts (usually they just eat me alive and swallow me whole) and so instead what I’ll do is accept the thought, believe it, let it consume me,  and then think myself into an anxious pit and wallow in it, feed it and make it bigger even though…there’s nothing actually there. Hence leading me to end up writing things like this right now, talking about an anxiety that isn’t actually there, and as you can probably tell if you’ve read this far, my mood / view on the situation has changed since I began writing this post. I feel better and more rational now than I did when I began, but I guess that’s the whole point of me writing it. I think I need to just stop worrying about things that haven’t happened yet and most likely won’t happen, and to just trust the process, or trust in myself, or trust the people around me not to hurt me. Have a bit of faith and stop thinking the worst all the time. Easier said than done and I probably won’t get there anytime soon, but it’s the thought that counts I guess. Something has to.

6 thoughts on “sour

  1. this is so painfully relatable – especially the part about saying about going to a therapist or starting medication, but kind of knowing that you won’t do it. I’m in the exact same headspace, but the idea of having to sit down in front of someone and talk about my anxiety makes me…well, anxious!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Exactly !! There’s lots of things I know I need to do but they give me anxiety, but the thought of knowing I’m not doing them gives me even more anxiety ha, I can’t win!! xx

      Like

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