I went to a funeral last week. I don’t think it’s my place to essentially be writing about it here, but writing about my own feelings and experience I guess isn’t crossing a line, however, there are some things that need to remain unsaid, so sorry if any of this sounds cryptic.
It affected me more than I thought it would, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It was devastatingly sad but devastatingly beautiful, and I just cried and cried and cried. Sobbing uncontrollably and trying to hold it in, telling the person next to me that I couldn’t do it, I thought I was going to have to leave. It brought back a lot of memories for me, I would use the phrase ‘PTSD’ to describe it but again, I’m not sure that’s appropriate. It just brought back a lot of feelings and experiences that I didn’t think or expect to be experiencing again, so it was hard. Really hard. And it’s not about me at all, but I think writing about these things is what I should be doing, and I’ve already written a little bit about it in my anxiety diary which helped, so maybe I should write about it here too.
It was hard, but it was beautiful and bittersweet and I sat there crying and praying to a God that I don’t believe in because when you’re in church and you’re celebrating someone’s life and saying goodbye to them you’re willing to believe in anything. I’m not religious but I will listen to every word of the prayers and I will say amen and I will look at the stained glass windows and ask God why people are taken from us and pray for every person in that room, and it’s beautiful, in a terribly tragic and sad way. It brought a lot of people together and I hugged and held hands with people I never normally would but it shows that pain can also turn into love when shared and I feel like that day has changed me and is something I will remember forever. I know I will.
I walked back through the park afterwards and it was a beautiful October day, and it was needed. I just needed to walk and talk and not be in the car, I needed time to recuperate.
But I keep thinking about the songs that were played and they’re haunting me, and I played them a few hours later in the car because I couldn’t get them out of my head and one minute I was talking in the passenger seat and the next tears were falling down my face and I didn’t even realise they were there. But I’m okay, it was okay.
I could hope these words turn into something poignant but I’m not sure they will, I just wanted something to say. To document whatever this is. A moment, a change. A whimsical, beautiful sad dream. But it’s okay. It’s all okay.
I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yet I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you’ll do
You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream