deep

once upon a dream

I went to a funeral last week. I don’t think it’s my place to essentially be writing about it here, but writing about my own feelings and experience I guess isn’t crossing a line, however, there are some things that need to remain unsaid, so sorry if any of this sounds cryptic.

It affected me more than I thought it would, and I can’t stop thinking about it. It was devastatingly sad but devastatingly beautiful, and I just cried and cried and cried. Sobbing uncontrollably and trying to hold it in, telling the person next to me that I couldn’t do it, I thought I was going to have to leave. It brought back a lot of memories for me, I would use the phrase ‘PTSD’ to describe it but again, I’m not sure that’s appropriate. It just brought back a lot of feelings and experiences that I didn’t think or expect to be experiencing again, so it was hard. Really hard. And it’s not about me at all, but I think writing about these things is what I should be doing, and I’ve already written a little bit about it in my anxiety diary which helped, so maybe I should write about it here too.

It was hard, but it was beautiful and bittersweet and I sat there crying and praying to a God that I don’t believe in because when you’re in church and you’re celebrating someone’s life and saying goodbye to them you’re willing to believe in anything. I’m not religious but I will listen to every word of the prayers and I will say amen and I will look at the stained glass windows and ask God why people are taken from us and pray for every person in that room, and it’s beautiful, in a terribly tragic and sad way. It brought a lot of people together and I hugged and held hands with people I never normally would but it shows that pain can also turn into love when shared and I feel like that day has changed me and is something I will remember forever. I know I will.

I walked back through the park afterwards and it was a beautiful October day, and it was needed. I just needed to walk and talk and not be in the car, I needed time to recuperate.

But I keep thinking about the songs that were played and they’re haunting me, and I played them a few hours later in the car because I couldn’t get them out of my head and one minute I was talking in the passenger seat and the next tears were falling down my face and I didn’t even realise they were there. But I’m okay, it was okay.

I could hope these words turn into something poignant but I’m not sure they will, I just wanted something to say. To document whatever this is. A moment, a change. A whimsical, beautiful sad dream. But it’s okay. It’s all okay.

I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream
I know you, the gleam in your eyes is so familiar a gleam
Yet I know it’s true that visions are seldom all they seem
But if I know you, I know what you’ll do
You’ll love me at once, the way you did once upon a dream

10 thoughts on “once upon a dream

  1. I’ve said it once, I’ll say it again and I’ll never stop: you write beautifully, Chloe. So sorry to hear about your loss. I love what you wrote about shared pain turning into shared love – so true. My aunt died last year and I also found myself thinking and praying to a god I didn’t believe in myself, but one she believed in. It felt as though I was honoring her in a way, acknowledging what she believed in. Grief can affect us in the most surprising ways and is felt differently by each person, yet I’ve always seen a sad kind of beauty in people actually showing their grief (through tears) – it speaks to how much the person must have meant to them.

    And about it “not being about you” – I understand what you’re saying and in some ways yes, but a loss affects you too. So in a way, it is about you too. It took me a long time to realize that I was allowed to feel the way I did after my aunts funeral (I always felt as though my grief wasn’t as important or that how that loss affected me wasn’t as relevant as how it affected her immediate family). Writing about it helped me a lot too and this may sound weird but I know it will help you too – we’re kindred souls in that department. I’m not really sure what I’m trying to say here but I guess I just want you to know that every feeling is justified, no need to apologize for it.

    Anyways, sending you my love xx

    Liked by 3 people

    1. For some reason I’ve only just seen this comment so I’m super sorry for the late reply, not sure how I missed it !! I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again but your words always mean so much to me Fiona, I’m so sorry to hear about your aunt passing. Grief is a terribly strange thing and I agree, there is a sad kind of beauty in it, it’s all very bittersweet. Thank you for taking the time to listen to me as always and again, I have said this before but I know I can always count on you to understand how I’m feeling – kindred souls indeed. Sending you all my love xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I had a very dear friend pass away a few weeks ago and though I knew I’d be sad, I didn’t know just HOW sad until it was in my face. I wasn’t able to make the funeral but I kept thinking about the things I’d tell him or the subjects I’d wait to talk about with him. It hit me a lot harder than I thought it would.

    These things happen, they’re normal. Sending you love and light. Sorry for your loss.

    Liked by 4 people

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