deep

beautiful world, where are you

Winter is different for me this year and it’s so nice, I don’t want to jinx it but that’s how it is. I feel happy and light and controlled and…not depressed. I don’t think the seasonal depression or Winter blues will get me this year, I’m finding myself able to enjoy Winter (aka, my favourite season) rather than being impacted by it in a negative way. I’m finding the dark nights and the gloom cosy, rather than claustrophobic and helpless. I’m excited for Christmas and Winter, curling up and reading, lighting candles, I’m enjoying the crisp Winter mornings and waking up to light Autumn skies now the clocks have gone back. The mornings are like Autumn and the nights are like Winter, and I’m enjoying both. I don’t think I’ll be lonely or lost this year, and I can’t remember the last time I was able to say that.

I talked to my mum about funerals – if I died what would she play – her answer surprised me and made me feel really loved because she got it right which I didn’t expect, she listed songs from my childhood that represent me etc. and it was nice to know she thought of me in the same way I thought of myself, because my mum and I rarely see eye to eye on that one, but maybe she knew me better as a child and that’s why. I was hers then, but I’m my own person now.

I read The Four Agreements recently, though only two of them were of much help to me (though I still enjoyed the book, review to come when I catch up on those). The two things I took away from that book were don’t make assumptions and don’t take things personally, which sound very obvious and very simple…but unless you’re consciously thinking about it, you often forget that these are “rules” that exist that you should probably follow. Now that I’ve read said rules and am making a conscious effort to remember them, I’m constantly reminding myself of them. Something happens and I’m like okay, but don’t take it personally. Whatever that is, it’s a reflection of them, not you. It’s something they’re dealing with themselves that’s just happened to flow out and cross over into their interactions with you, but it’s not about you – even if it is about you, it’s not really, because it’s their reaction and their feelings that you’re talking about, so everything still belongs to them and not you. The other “rule” was don’t make assumptions – a great rule for someone with crippling anxiety such as myself, as anxiety is built up of assumptions and well, if you don’t have any of those then what have you got to worry about? You can’t make up scenarios or assume that someone hates you or assume that someone isn’t answering your text messages because they’re ghosting you or have gotten into a car crash etc. And when you combine the two rules it’s even better – if your friend seems off when they’re talking to you one day, don’t assume it’s because they hate you, and thus…don’t take it personally. Maybe they’re just having an off day. We all have those. I know I do.

I listened to Sweetener on the way home from work last night, it’s still my favourite Ari album simply because of how happy it is, I love the way it was produced which I know a lot of people don’t. I love Pharrell though and so of course, if he’s producing an album I’m going to love it, especially if they’re Ari’s tracks we’re talking about. It’s a light and happy album yet progressive at the same time because of what she was going through at the time, leading to thank u, next which was a lot darker. No tears left to cry mattered in a way it hadn’t before as I was singing it to myself last night, you know when you love a song so much but then it becomes huge and overplayed so you stop listening to it, but then because of that you end up not having heard it for months at a time and so when you do hear it again it’s like a whole new experience and you get to appreciate it for what it is like it’s the first time you’ve heard it. It was something like that. When something becomes a big pop song you kind of lose the lyrics and the feeling, but last night I got that back and it was like yeah…right now I’m in a state of mind…I wanna be in like all the time…ain’t got no tears left to cry – is this happiness? Not sure. But the lyrics to no tears left to cry felt like they very much applied to me at that moment, and still even now, and that’s something I haven’t been able to say before. Whatever it is, I like it.

But things can change from one day to the next, and then it’s hard to know what’s real and what’s not. Is the good real, or the bad? Am I fooling myself with the good, or is the bad just a phase that I’ll come out of because I’m feeling more hard done by than I actually am? Doing a lot of soul searching at the minute, I think I forget sometimes that I am a separate person from those around me. I’m a giver, and I can’t stop myself from constantly giving myself to people, even if they don’t deserve it or don’t handle me the way they should. It’s hard. I feel like I constantly have to suppress my kindness and love in order to get along in the world, in order to not get hurt, or because I’m always giving more than the other person and therefore I need to rein it in a bit. I don’t want to live like that. I’d prefer to be able to just be the kind and loving person I am and not worry that I’m constantly the one giving the most and therefore it’s not fair on myself. All that leads to is me almost chastising myself for being so “nice”, as if it’s a bad thing. I often wonder what it would feel like to have my own thoughtfulness reciprocated and wonder why somehow I don’t deserve it, because if I did, surely I would have received that by now. I feel like I’m constantly going in circles, toying with ideas and thoughts, going back and forth wondering what my thoughts actually are on a subject and whether or not they’re just a product of how I’m feeling at the time. Is this the real way that I feel, or is it just because I’m down right now? Am I actually okay with this, or is it just because I feel positive at this moment in time and can therefore let it slide? But maybe the amount of thoughts I have in the first place are the answer to the questions in mind, because maybe if things really were fine I wouldn’t have any of these thoughts at all, my mind would be calm and at peace. But who knows – who’s to tell me? Only I can tell myself, but I don’t know the answer. I don’t know how to work it out. I don’t really know what’s real and what isn’t, and so I can’t make decisions because I feel like I can’t stand firmly behind any of them – they’re just a product of my mind – and then I think, maybe if this really was a problem, I’d know to do something about it straight away, and thus the cycle continues. My mind is quite tired. I feel like I need to just sit on a mountain somewhere and vanish from the rest of the world for a week. I can’t help that I have so many feelings and emotions, I just wish I had someone or somewhere to share them. Or someone who appreciated them. I don’t know.

2 thoughts on “beautiful world, where are you

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