can’t say i know what’s happening to me at the minute, my emotions are what you’d call all over the place. the week has been emotional, for no reason whatsoever – i’ve just felt every emotion i could in a short space of time and they’ve all bled in to each other. i’ve been laughing and crying, feeling lonely and loving and angry and anxious and everything in between. cried in my boyfriend’s arms for 45 minutes and i couldn’t tell him why. i couldn’t tell anyone why. not sure. it’s just how i feel. literally laughing as tears are pouring out of my eyes because i don’t know what’s wrong with me but the waterworks won’t stop. drove home and listened to taylor swift. cried at cornelia street. taylor swift gets it and if you don’t get taylor swift then you don’t get it. and i can’t explain what it is because if you don’t get it then you don’t get it. it’s just it. you either understand it or you don’t. taylor does. i guess that’s why i cried then. guess i was just thankful. the drive home was really nice. it felt like everything was in black and white and it was raining but there was no anxiety, just calm. just me in the car with myself and i don’t know what’s happening to me at the minute that’s making me cry all the time but it’s something i guess only i can understand and as i was in the car with no one else around i guess i just had that moment of thought where i realised that it’s okay if i’m the only one who gets to witness and understand this right now, because the feelings are between me and myself and as i said, i don’t know what’s happening to me but that’s okay. guess i’m just feeling a little lost, i’m 24 but i still feel very little on the inside and i don’t really know what i’m doing and i punish myself for feeling things and having so many thoughts and emotions because i guess i believe i shouldn’t be doing that anymore. it’s like i did all of these things and had all of these feelings when i was 16 so now 8 years later when i’m an adult at 24 why am i still doing them. why do i still need guidance and a safety blanket, why am i still crying and feeling things at 100mph. i don’t know. i feel like i’m having a breakdown but not in a bad way. i just feel like my emotions are breaking down to hopefully build themselves back up again into something bigger and better. something beautiful. i don’t know. i just thought i’d mention it.
– that’s the kind of heartbreak time could never mend, i’d never walk cornelia street again.
– long story short i survived.