feels like summer, which is something i realised i’d missed. walking around with no makeup on and my hair falling down past my shoulders as the breeze rolls in through the open window. lying there watching you sleep and you look so peaceful, like everything i ever wanted and more. listening to the little noises you make, knowing no one will hear them when i’m not there. thinking about that space between your shoulder and your neck where the skin is soft and smells like washing powder and aftershave and you, the pulse beating delicately in your throat next to that birthmark that looks like california. the one i love to trace with my fingers as i run my hands through your hair and over every feature i love so much, which is all of them.
clear blue skies give me hope, which i didn’t realise. they make everything not as dark, like it will all be okay. and it will. the sky helps me see that, it helps me breathe. listening to good times by sam cooke on the drive home and i don’t feel as empty this time which shows how much i’ve already grown, though i have a lot left to do. i get out of the car and stand in front of my house as you drive away, feeling that hollow in my chest open up as you turn the corner and are no longer in view, me thinking that a minute ago i was sat with you in that car and now you’re driving off alone and i can no longer look at you, as soon as you turn that corner the physicality and sight of you ceases to exist. i miss you already. it’s sunday and there’s no one around, i walk into my empty house and already decide i don’t want to be there, so i sit in the garden reading my book beneath the sun, marvelling at how much open air and space there is for me to breathe in. when you’re gone my chest feels tight and it takes me a while to readjust again, to get used to my world without you physically in it until i see you next. one day there won’t be a time where i have to leave you, one day there will be a time where every day i get to say hello and not goodbye, but until then i have to deal with this routine in order to make myself feel okay again, but it’s not so bad i guess. i’m learning. i love you, i’m learning.