Hi my loves,
As you all know I struggle with mental health quite a fair bit and well, lately it’s been absolutely debilitating for me. I can’t function and I’m scared and fragile and I’m not in control of my head or my thoughts and I don’t know what’s happening to me and I feel very alone. Having a lot of anxiety attacks, feeling very out of control, very scared and very vulnerable. I’ve been referred for intensive therapy and will soon hopefully be medicated – currently self medicating which I shouldn’t be but I’m a mess right now and very much all over the place. I can’t even string a sentence together without struggling. Emotionally I’m in so much pain, like there’s someone or something constantly screaming inside my head. I feel very mentally ill and I’m not coping and I’m scared, but I’m also not in any danger of hurting myself so please don’t be worried about that. I want to live and look forward to the future but my brain and my thoughts just aren’t on my side right now unfortunately, so that’s what I’m currently working on. There’s a lot of things I haven’t healed from and I’ve been poorly for a very long time and it’s sad that it’s had to come to this point in order for me to try to do something about it because I feel so ashamed and like no one will take me seriously, because in past experiences no one ever has. Things are different now though and I have such a huge and wonderful support network around me, it makes me emotional to even think about how much love and support I’m being surrounded with right now. In terms of writing, I’m not going anywhere, I just thought I’d share what’s going on right now in case anyone wonders why I’m being quiet – it’s because there’s a war in my mind and right now I’m not winning. Working on it though, I’ll be in touch soon when I have something more to say that isn’t this. I hope you’re all well and if you ever need me, you know where I am – you are not alone.
All my love,