get in the shower if it all goes wrong
Hello my loves,
I didn’t know what to call these, but as I was just in the shower I thought I would start documenting things and just talking, because like everyone else, I do a lot of thinking in the shower. Lots of meandering. I figured that this is of course my blog and my place to share things, so why not just share whatever, whenever. I’m going to just write and post when I please, which is what I do anyway, but this will be a lot rawer, rawer than usual, anyway. Diary entries, if you will. I’ll probably change the title of these entries as time goes on, because I’d like to think of this time in my life as treatment or therapy rather than a breakdown, which I don’t believe I’ve had, but came very close to, hit a big low and now I’m getting help and working through it.
If I say I didn’t see this coming I think it would be a lie. I think I was just trying to cope with everything and brushing everything off as me being me, the over-thinker, the panicker, the whatever you want to call it. It was just me being myself, because I have lived with anxiety, depression, these thoughts, these thought patterns, for as long as I can remember – unable to cope with things in life that were normal, but that I personally couldn’t manage because well, that’s just not how me and my brain work. I believe it was a long time coming, I’m just sad that it had to get to this point in order for me to try and get better. This part of my life, this breakdown, whatever you’d like to call it, was due to anxiety. Very bad anxiety trips, anxiety attacks and constantly living in a state of fear and panic, because my brain was constantly screaming and eating itself alive, basically. I brushed it off and tried to cope, doing as much as I could to combat it, but unfortunately there’s only so much I can do for myself. It got bad, and then it was better for maybe a few days, and then it wasn’t, and that was the cycle I was living in, but every day was a battle to try and cope and survive without having a meltdown. Wanting to constantly scream and run because everywhere felt claustrophobic, not having the energy to speak to people or do things. It’s not a social anxiety, which is something I suffered with when I was younger. This is different. I don’t know how you would categorise this anxiety other than saying that my brain and my thoughts were just constantly abusing me, not allowing me to live and enjoy my life because for no reason whatsoever I believed I was a bad person that didn’t deserve good things, and any good thing I did have in my life I would lose because it was too good to be true and it wouldn’t last. Everything was a trigger and everything sent me into a panic because what if what if what if. I wasn’t living in the real world, I was living inside my head, which also was and isn’t the real world, it’s a world I’d created in order to try and protect myself from everyone and everything, but ironically it was the thing that was damaging me so much in the first place.
This is of course all still true and still applies, because I’m still living it. I’ve been signed off of work for a month and have been put on medication. Anti-depressants, which I’m not excited about but am willing to try, though I believe they will probably hinder me more than anything. I’ve been told to take them for a month and then go back to the doctor’s to discuss my progress, if any, and of course I shall tell him how the medication is making me feel and if I need to be switched to something else if the effects of it are only negative, but I also understand it will have to get worse before it gets better.
Right now I’m living with my boyfriend, away from my life and everything else. It’s a double-edged sword. I can be away from everything but I miss my parents, I miss being ‘home’ and not feeling like I’m going to have a panic attack the second I enter my room and am left alone with my thoughts. None of this is to do with my family or my home life, I just can’t be alone right now and so therefore I’m here, but I wish I could be better for them right now, I know everyone is worried about me – I’m doing this not only for myself but for them too. I just wish it didn’t have to be this way and that I didn’t have to be so far; it’s a shame, but it will be okay in the end. I just had a shower, washed my hair, put some clean comfy clothes on and sat down on the bed to write this, because all of these words were coming out of me in the shower and I figured I should get them down here because I want to, and I can. Which is a nice feeling. It’s 5pm, the sun is low in the sky and it’s filtering in through the window and washing everything in a golden haze, I feel very calm. I also feel quite zombie-like and emotionless, but not sad. I just feel like I could sleep all the time, but in the sense of a warm nap. Like when you go on holiday and are lying on your sun-bed at that time of day before the pool closes and you’re waiting to go back to your hotel room to get ready for dinner, when you’re sleepy and relaxed and warm and nice.
I won’t pretend that I don’t feel like this right now because of the fact I’ve been self-medicating. Nothing I ever write or have ever written on my blog is a lie, and so I’ll admit that whilst waiting for my doctor’s appointment, I took matters into my own hands. Nothing dangerous, illegal or silly, but it all made me feel nice and was a relief and a break from my head, which I’ve never had before. Until then, I’d been living unable to sleep or eat because I was constantly in a state of nausea with no appetite and no sleep pattern since my brain would never switch off. It’s still in my system, this self-medication, and so I feel very zoned out and sleepy all the time, but I’m going to wait for it to fully leave my system before I begin taking the anti-depressants because I don’t want to mix the two and I want to start this whole thing fresh. Right now I don’t really feel anything, just like I’m in a sleepy haze and could sleep at all hours of the day, which is not like me because I think I’ve taken the equivalent of about 5 naps in my lifetime, but there you go. One minute I feel like this and I feel okay, and the next I feel like I can’t envision the future because there isn’t one, and I think this is all a bad idea and I’m doing this all wrong and what if all of this makes me worse instead of better and I won’t realise until it’s too late. What if this isn’t recovery but something else, what if it’s a mistake.
But that’s just me being irrational, or so I hope. I’m not in a position to decipher what is and isn’t real right now, I can’t and don’t trust my brain because I can’t figure out whether what it’s telling me is real or not. My aim is to use this time to recover, and to heal. Like I said, I’m out of the way of everyone and everything. I want to cut my hair, get some more ear piercings, go on lots of walks, do lots of writing, spend a lot of time and work really hard on my end of year uni essay, and read lots of books. I go through phases with my reading, last month for example I was a reading machine and absolutely devouring everything I read, whereas this month I’ve read a total of one book, and that was only because I read the first half of it in February anyway. It’s because I can’t concentrate, like I said, my brain is just all over the place. I feel hopeful that I can read, or at least try to, at the moment though because I’m so whacked out from everything, which I don’t believe the anti-depressants will help because they’re just going to make me even drowsier but again, I’m willing to give them a try and I understand it will get worse before it gets better. When I went home to get all of my stuff to bring to my boyfriend’s, I brought a huge bag of books with me that I can sit and get through – big ones too, so I can just delve in and read without worrying that I’m not reading enough or getting through enough books and so on. If I read a 600 page book in a month, that’s good enough for me, and if I get through all of the books I’ve brought with me, I can start on my boyfriend’s bookshelf instead. He has lots of Bukowski, so it’ll be a good time. I only feel like reading physically at the moment. I deleted all of my social media and am using my phone as little as possible. Electronics and the internet aren’t the real world, this physical life is, and that’s where I’m trying to be at the moment, even though as I said, I’m currently quite whacked out, but it’s not a bad thing, at least, it isn’t at the moment anyway – though that could change if I have some kind of “comedown” for lack of better wording from the stuff currently leaving my body. I think it’s all got quite a long half-life so we’ll see how that goes. I’m not doing drugs, by the way, nor have I ever. I don’t know if any of this is making sense.
My anxiety makes me feel as though everyone and everything in the world is out to get me, and I don’t feel safe. I don’t feel safe inside my head because I don’t know what’s happening to me and I can’t control it, and I don’t feel safe anywhere else because nowhere to me feels like a safe space. It’s scary when you feel like you’re not in control of yourself and your own thoughts, because then what else do I have? What do I have a say over if not my own brain? I just want to sit and not have to think and worry about anything. Currently doing that anyway though because as of right now I have no responsibilities other than to just get better, which is why this whole zombie-like numbness is helping. I’ve such a huge support network around me which surprised me more than I’d imagined, I think growing up I just felt like no one ever took me seriously, because obviously all of these things are nothing new and I’ve struggled for a long time, but at 24 it’s finally become too much and I’ve crashed. Everyone has been so supportive, loving, caring and wonderful, and I am so appreciative and grateful. It means so much to me that I can’t even put it into words to explain or write it down here, but it’s a wonderful feeling and also one less thing I have to worry about. No one that this is relevant to will read this, but to the people who have taken me seriously and are helping me get through this and checking up on me and everything else that comes with it, thank you, truly, thank you. I am more grateful than I could explain, which is why I’m not, because I can’t really, just know I will never forget this.
So that’s about it really, I’m going to post this and ideally I’d like to go to sleep because I feel completely whacked out but I’m not going to do that because I didn’t get up until 1pm today and if I slept now I’d probably sleep until the same time tomorrow and that’s just a bad cycle. I even took a caffeine tablet and it hasn’t done a thing for me, I’m surprised I’ve even managed to write this much. I’m still in here, my body is just working at about 10% right now but again, I don’t feel bad. I feel very zen and calm, kind of just want to lie here and fall asleep to some nice music. I’d like to read, but I’m too tired to do that right now. Probably just going to lie here in the shadow of the sunset for a bit and watch the light go down. I don’t think that sentence makes sense either but there we go.
Anyway, I hope you’re all well. As I said in my last post, I’m not going anywhere in terms of this blog or writing, but I’ll probably just be sharing my thoughts and progress as I go through all of this which will be whenever and wherever, so if I disappear for two weeks don’t worry about me. As I said, I’ve no urge to hurt myself or to end my life at any point, which I have many times before. Had the urge, I mean. If I’d ended my life before I wouldn’t be here writing this right now since you know, life isn’t a video game or GTA. Now I’m rambling. Sorry if I don’t sound like myself in this, I’ll hopefully get back to that soon. For now, I’m just sharing, and writing. And if you’ve read this far then thank you for reading, and listening. I feel ashamed almost to talk about this, because I feel like I’ve failed in being able to cope as an adult, at 24, so now I’ve had this (almost but not quite) breakdown and now I’m here, recovering. I’ve been referred for intensive therapy too, but that’s not until a few months yet. I’m excited for that. Hopefully therapy and medication will be a helpful combination for me, but I’ll talk to you about that when I get there. If you’re suffering like me then hi, you’re not alone. We can do this together. The doctor was very intent on telling me that I am ill and have been for a long time and I deserve the right to get better and to get help and that this is nothing to be ashamed of or embarrassed about, as I was sobbing to him and thanking him for taking me seriously and helping me even though you know, that’s his job. It’s the fact that this is obviously not a physical thing I can show somebody like a broken leg, because it’s a broken brain, and for all anyone knows I could be making the entire thing up, which I wish I was. Oh if only. If only this was all some ridiculous dream, but unfortunately it isn’t.
Anyway, as I said about 10 minutes ago, rambling. If you need me you know where I am (here and nowhere else because rest in peace the rest of my online presence and social media, if you’re thinking about getting rid of it then you should, none of it’s real anyway).
All my love,