Hello my loves,
Just documenting this as and when so some of it may be incoherent, in which case, apologies. The first night I took my anti-depressants they knocked me out for 15 hours straight, didn’t even have the energy to open my eyes and could have continued sleeping. The following day (yesterday) wasn’t much better, I felt so whacked out and completely zombified, I couldn’t feel a thing. I ended up being quite angry and frustrated towards the end of the night but even then I couldn’t physically feel it, it was just like this thing I knew mentally – I knew I felt frustrated, but I couldn’t feel it. I was just numb.
Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a place in the world, I feel like I can’t really be here and I can’t really be there because everyone has their own life and is doing their own thing and then there’s just me, who can’t cope with being in my own life doing my own thing and therefore needs to be hanging onto everyone else and imposing on them and their life because I’m drowning and can’t stay afloat on my own. And it’s only cute for a while, people can only deal with helping you for a few days before it’s not cute anymore and they can’t cope with the responsibility of you, which is what I try and save people from in the first place, which leads to them chastising me for being distant and bottling everything up, but then I let it go and the floodgates open and people can’t deal with it anyway, so I’m not sure who’s in the wrong there. No one, but it still feels like there’s some fault that lies somewhere, but I’m not sure where or with whom, and this isn’t a blame game.
I got my hair cut yesterday, I cut a lot off and realised I didn’t care about it afterwards, which usually I always would. The anti-depressants (seems pointless calling them that since this whole thing is about anxiety) take 4-6 weeks to kick in apparently, but if they work, and if they are working already, it’s only in the sense that they make you so whacked out you’ve the inability to feel anything at all. I can’t feel anxious about anything because I’m so zombified I don’t have the energy to care or to produce whatever adrenaline it is that sends my body into panic, so yeah they might work or be working so far, but not in the way I want them to, or in the way I guess ‘ethically’ they should be. Not sure if that makes sense.
Last night I felt completely devoid of anything, everything felt pointless and I felt like I just didn’t want to exist because there was no point to any of it, I was just bringing everyone else down. I learned from the first dose to take my anti-depressants directly before I get into bed rather than an hour or two before, otherwise they knock me out too early in advance. I took one yesterday in order to do exactly that, and it ended up waking me up and making me feel more alert than I had all day. Not sure what that’s about. Ended up sleeping at 3am. Just wish I didn’t feel like such a huge, awful burden and responsibility to everybody because I am, because I can’t cope by myself, but then I also feel like people then can’t tell me that they feel that way because obviously, that’ll just send me on a spiral. Or is it all in my head? That’s the thing with this, I don’t know if I’m being ‘wise’ and sensing things and being aware of them, or if I’m just making things up and believing the thoughts that swirl around in my head. But as I said, I get told off for bottling everything up and not letting people help me, so I talk to people and let them help me, but then it becomes too much for them and then it feels like I can’t win because either way everything is my fault for being like this in the first place. There’s no negative emotions attached to any of this by the way, I’m just saying what I see. Observing. Noting down things as they come along.
Tried to do a bit of reading last night, I haven’t spoken much about online uni since my first year but I’m in the second half of my second year now (so my third and final year starts in September) and since Covid and everything struck I’ve just lost a lot of motivation. The second half of this academic year hasn’t been the best for me so I’ve kind of just been scraping by because I don’t have the mental energy to be researching and doing essays (too many other self-destructive things going on in my brain to even try and concentrate on that) but last week I submitted my penultimate essay and felt quite good about it, spent a lot of time on it and felt like it was something I’d actually submit rather than some of the other things I’ve been scraping by with lately. Also have an end of year essay due in a couple of months so going to spend this time to start working on that now too, I’d like to be as productive as possible. Not going to beat myself up for not reading as much etc. either even though I have the time because if I don’t feel like it then I don’t feel like it. That’s just the way things are right now, taking it one day at a time.
Apologies that this one may seem a little depressing but as always I’d never lie to you guys about how I’m feeling / what’s going on and unfortunately this is just reality right now. Hopefully I’ll have some nicer observations in my next little writing session.
All my love,