breakdown diary #3

heart out

Sleep is now a crazy thing, getting knocked out and sent into such a deep sleep that I can’t wake up from. When I do finally wake up, I’m fully awake in my head but have no energy to even open my eyes or speak, I literally cannot get out of bed. In terms of dreams – crazy. Sleep paralysis, a couple of nightmares and lots of vivid, lucid dreams I can control. REM overload, basically. I Googled it and it’s definitely a thing, some of the people taking these anti-depressants don’t even have depression but are taking them for the sole fact of being able to have crazy lucid dreams. At least I’m not alone in these effects though.

a few days later

Feeling awake today for the first time since this whole thing started, which shows because I also coincidentally feel very anxious and sad today. Missing a lot of things. I watched a video where someone spoke about grief and one of the things they said was “I just thought I had more time” and now it’s haunting me. My heart is aching today, I feel like I’m longing for something, not sure what though. I want to be looked after. Feeling very lonely. Wish I could go back to other times when I didn’t feel that way and was being looked after, but as I said before these things only last for so long – people get tired and worn down, you can’t be looked after 24/7. You can’t rely on other people to hold you up 24/7. Feeling a little fragile today and trying to figure out what I’m going to do and when – to plan my days so there’s no time where I’m sat there feeling anxious. Cannot be sat alone with my thoughts, must not be sat alone with my thoughts. Sometimes I feel hopeful and sometimes I don’t. Today I don’t feel hopeful but I don’t feel hopeless either, I just feel sad and quiet and alone, like there’s only me and no one else in the world. I’ve got Heart Out by The 1975 stuck in my head. I stayed in the shower a little longer because it felt safer there and I didn’t want to go back to the real world yet. Not sure if I prefer being whacked out on medication or awake now that I’ve had the chance to experience both, they both seem equally as bad. Be a zombie and feel like you’re falling asleep all the time whilst simultaneously feeling nothing else, or be awake and feel anxious and sad and all of the things you’re trying so hard to suppress in the first place.  Felt like I had more to say than this but now I’ve come to write it it’s all gone. I’m in the middle of washing up dishes. I can’t stop thinking about the knives in the sink.

you got something to say, why don’t you speak it out loud
instead of living in your head
it’s always the same, why don’t you take your heart out
instead of living in your head

your obsession with rocks and browns
and fucking the whole town’s
a reflection on your mental health

you created a television of your mouth