breakdown diary #4

today feels surreal, like no one’s around. i went to the gym and it was empty, so i stayed on the treadmill for an hour listening to blur with my eyes closed feeling like i was somewhere else. watching all of the tiny people going about their lives in the windows below, knowing i wasn’t one of them.

i bought some flowers for my mum and i have a tan now but i haven’t been abroad. still trying to figure out where i belong and trying to learn to just be, simultaneously. my instinct is always right but a lot of the time i go against it or should i say, my anxiety does. some days i think i’m making progress and others, i feel i’m right back where i started. i was in a restaurant the other day and had to run outside to gasp in the fresh air because the onset of a panic attack seemingly came out of nowhere and that was the only thing i could do in that moment. i don’t know how i felt about it – in the aftermath, i mean – i felt a little shaken, as if something traumatic had just happened to me and my body was in the act of remembering it but calming down. emotionally i felt nothing about it, i’m not sure if there is a word to describe how i felt about the matter, other than that i thought it was a shame it had happened because up until that point i thought i was doing well. i thought i had began making progress, which is still true, but it was a reminder that there are still parts of this illness i can’t control, and my body has all the power at times and i have none. mentally i can tell myself things and i can learn things, but it will take a long, long time for my body to follow. it’s muscle memory. my body has been programmed to react a certain way to certain things for its entire life, and suddenly now just because i’m learning how to deal with that and undo all of the damage that has been done, doesn’t mean my body is going to simply follow along nicely. my body will react the way it’s been programmed to and unfortunately, will be able to overpower me in the moment. trying to learn how to manage that and unfortunately, there’s no guide book.

there’s always going to be something, is the conclusion i’ve found myself at. there’s always going to be something i’m anxious about and fixated on, and when that subsides or another thing comes along that’s worse than the other thing i was worrying about, all it does is replace it. it’s just anxieties replacing anxieties. there’s always going to be something. i’m never going to not be worrying or fixated on something, i just have to remember that up until this point i have managed to live and get through all of them, and most importantly i have to acknowledge and accept these things that are making me anxious. they’re there. they happened or are happening and are not going anywhere, and i have to accept that. i have to accept it, forgive it – forgive myself or other people – i can’t avoid these things. they’re here, they happened, or are happening, and that’s that. nothing i do will change that, because i cannot control anything or anyone outside of myself. so just accept it, forgive it, and try to deal with it. don’t let it become a he who shall not be named type of thing – think about it to the point you become immune, which is what i do anyway because my mind fixates on one thing and can think of nothing else, and it’s just about thinking about it to the point where the thought doesn’t affect me anymore, because i’ve thought about it so much and am so familiar with it that my body no longer goes into shock when it crosses my mind. it’s all just about time and waiting for it to pass. this isn’t advice, by the way. i’ll have better things to say once i’ve been to therapy, i’m sure. right now it’s just about the passage of time, acceptance, forgiveness, and becoming immune to the things that are hurting me – aka, myself. i watched taxi driver last night, felt like i related to parts of it in unfamiliar ways. i’m glad it’s april. i hope it goes in the blink of an eye.

“answer the phone, harry you’re no good alone. why are you sitting at home on the floor, what kind of pills are you on?“