deep

going to therapy

Hello my loves,

As you can probably tell from the title of this post, I’m finally going to therapy. Well, I’ve already been, once, and am now continuing to go.

I mentioned in my mental break post that I was being referred for intensive therapy, which I still am, but the wait list was so long it just wasn’t practical for me, so in the meantime I’ve sourced my own therapist and am having weekly sessions with her to basically sort out the mess that is my brain. My first session was supposed to last 50 minutes and I ended up being in there for over 2 hours. It was a lot. Earlier on that day I’d had one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever had since I was probably 16, I was so physically exhausted it felt like I’d had some kind of seizure. I was just devoid of everything, and then a few hours later I had to go to my first therapy session and discuss 10 years’ worth of baggage and emotional trauma that I’d been trying to supress for years. By the end of the day, I was done.

I’ve said this previously regarding my “breakdown” but, I knew things were bad, I just didn’t realise how bad. And the answer was unfortunately, very. There’s a lot of things I’ve supressed and tried to forget about and well, I knew damage had been done to me, I just didn’t realise it was this much. It was more than even I had thought, and I knew it was a lot. It’s scary. The one word I would use to describe all of this is, scary. Last week when I had that panic attack, I’d convinced myself I was going to go crazy. I was sure that all of this would be too much for my brain to cope with and therefore I’d just shut down, it would send me over the edge, send me loopy, and I’d end up in a mental institute at 26 and dead not long after. It was terrifying. That’s why I’m so fiercely trying to combat all of this now, because I never want to feel like that again.

So, my first therapy session. It was hard. I had to say things I hadn’t said out loud for years, I had to talk about people I didn’t want to talk about, I had to face some truths that I didn’t want to hear and I had to re-live things I’d been trying so hard to forget. But it was worth it. And afterwards I didn’t feel…relief, per say, but it was something along those lines. I now had a space where I could dump all of my thoughts, and that space was dedicated to combing through those thoughts in an attempt to figure out what they meant, but once I had left that space, I had left my thoughts in there along with it. I kind of see it as a box now – my therapist’s living room is where all of these thoughts live, but once I leave that room, I leave my thoughts there inside it too, and I don’t return to them until my next session. That time is for those thoughts only, but outside of that, I need to get on with my life. It’s a relief knowing that now, no matter what happens in my life, I will always, weekly, have somewhere to take those thoughts and work through them, so that they don’t eat me up inside. The key is for my therapist and I to go right back to the very start and figure out how it got to the point that it’s at now, aka, rock bottom. I’m not excited, but, I’m thankful that finally, something is going to get done about my mind.

Therapy is a luxury that not everyone can afford, and whilst I’ve mostly always been in a position where I could get therapy if I wanted, I’ve always been scared of it. It’s only now, at 24, and the lowest point I’ve reached, that I’ve realised I can no longer run from this. I have to face it head-on. Something needs to be done.

And so that’s what’s happening, I don’t really know what I’m trying to say in this post, and in actuality there’s not much I really can say because I’m aware there’s a lot more people out there more experienced with therapy than me, I’m just glad I’m finally doing something about it. Despite everything, now does seem like the right time. I hope that in a year from now, I can look back on this post and see how far I’ve come and how much better my mind is, what an exciting thought to have.

All my love,

Chloe .xx

10 thoughts on “going to therapy

  1. I just know that when you look back on this post in the future – you are going to feel amazing. Euphoric. I just know it and what a wonderful thing you have done for yourself, not only to go and get therapy which is a massive step and a thing to celebrate yourself for, fucking yes I am so celebrating you right now but also that you are Sharing your experiences and being vulnerable. Vulnerability is our superpower so the fact that you are opening up, both in therapy and by sharing your experiences (some of) here on the blog you are normalising these conversations which is a wonderful thing to do. Sending thoughts love and prayers Chloe ❀️❀️❀️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ahh you are an angel, this made me smile a lot. Thank you so much for your positive energy as always, you never fail to bring the best vibes !! Sending so much love and light your way ❀️ eternally grateful for positivity like yours !!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I am here for you always. I feel you as I have been there and its still hard at times. We are in this together πŸ’œ. I miss writing letters to you. You can always do that. I will listen to you and be there. You are such a strong and beautiful person. You deserve all the love of the world. I also began therapy just when I hit rock bottom. It’s like a sign that it’s time to heal ourselves. We spent too much time in the dark. In order to heal we have to feel the hard stuff, deal with it, go through it so that the light will come again. It will come. I am sure. If you can’t be the light then I will be the light that guide you home. I love you πŸ’–

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much angel, I miss writing letters to you too. You’re always there for me and I’m sorry that I’m not as equally available to you, though I am trying. I’ll always be here for you, we can do this together. Sending lots of love ❀️x

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Chloe, I am so, so happy for you. The thought of therapy and going back to the root of everything is quite daunting and uncomfortable, but if anyone has the strength to start uncovering their past and find the good in doing so right from the start, it’s you. I’m so glad that you decided to stop the waiting and take matters into your own hands with finding a therapist. I wish that therapy brings you all the learning (and unlearning) and happiness and strength you need.

    Sending you so much love xx

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so, so much Arshia. It means the world. Yes it’s definitely daunting and the thought sends me into a panic, it’s hard but I know it’s the right thing to do in order to start healing, though it may be scary at times. Sending you so much love and light xxx

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  4. I’m so so happy for you to be taking this step. It’s a huge step. One giant leap even. And I love that when you leapt, you were caught by safe hands. That will give you the courage and assurance you need, so you know it’s safe to keep going. Bringing light to things that have been thriving in the dark is so hard. I’m immensely proud of you. You’ve got this.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so, so much. It truly means the world. Thank you for always being such a great friend and thank you for taking the time to listen to my thoughts / read my words, I’m very lucky to have the support I do from people like you. Thank you xxx

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Hello! πŸ™‚ I’ve been reading your blog posts and I can say that you are one of the bloggers I really look up to and reading this post makes me really sad for you. I hope you are doing well and I just want to say that I am proud of you for really having the courage to undergo therapy. Mental health is really important, especially with the environment and generation that we have now. There is just too much happening and I agree that therapy is a luxury not everyone can afford I just admire you for really taking the courage to take therapy because there is also a lot of discrimination against people who are undergoing therapy. I also feel mental breakdowns sometimes and the feeling of having a lot going on in my mind and thankfully, I endured it all. I just want to tell you that you can do it and you just really have to take your time. I will pray for your well-being. Keep safe always! πŸ™‚

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Oh my goodness this is honestly the sweetest comment, you’ve absolutely made my day. Thank you SO much, it means the world. I’m so sorry you also feel like you’re having mental breakdowns sometimes but like you said, you’ve endured it all and look at you – you’re still going! You are so much stronger than you think. This is one of the loveliest comments I’ve ever received and thank you so much for taking the time out to read my words and listen to my thoughts. Sending you so much love and light xxx

      Liked by 1 person

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