Hello my loves,
Today marks 9 years since my best friend, my sister and my soulmate was taken away from me. A lovely uplifting sentence to introduce the post as always. What do I feel today? I’m not sure. Usually, or, well, I say usually, I guess up until the last few years, I would have written something long, emotional and heartfelt about all of this and what it’s done to me, what it’s doing to me and the effect it will always have on me and my life. We were 15 when she died, I’m 24 now. I’ve done so much writing and rambling and crying over the years (feel free to look through my blog archives if you’d like to read it) that I guess now I don’t feel the need anymore. What else could I say? What’s something new I could bring to the table? Nothing, really. I’m still heartbroken about it. It’s still ruining my life.
You see things differently as you get older, or, your thought process changes the more years you have on the planet. Life changes you. Time changes you. I wouldn’t necessarily say I see all of this differently now than what I did when I was 15, but I suppose I’m just more accustomed to dealing with it now, as an adult at 24. What have I done today? I got in the car with my boyfriend who started talking to me about it, I got upset. Halfway through crying I heard the song that was playing in the background and it was one of her favourites, and the message of that song is life goes on. I stopped dead in my tracks, turned to my boyfriend and just said “oh my god”. And he said I know, about 2 seconds after I asked you about it that came on. I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. I did both. It wasn’t a coincidence. She’s here with me. Life goes on.
Losing someone is incredibly personal, one of the most personal things that will ever happen to you. It’s isolating and lonely. No one understands how you’re feeling and no one can tell you anything that will make it better. On these days, anniversaries, dates, whatever you want to call them, I speak to no one at all about it. What can they say? What can I say? Nobody understands, and it’s not their fault. Over the past 9 years, I’ve learned that this is something I have to go through alone, because I have no other choice. I am alone in it. I am alone in my grief and how I choose to grieve and get through these days is my own. So today I cried in the car, heard her favourite song and then went to get a chocolate milkshake from McDonald’s. Now I’m sat in bed writing this, and it’s just another day.
Well, it is for everyone else. For me it’s not. For me it’s the day that ruined everything and when my life changed forever. I often think of the person I’d be if it were not for that day, and I suppose I grieve for her too, for what could have been. I’ll never know that girl because she was never allowed to exist. The day my best friend died, I died too. The Chloe that I’d lived and breathed up until that point, died. And who was to grieve for her? Me, again. I grieved the loss of my soul mate and the loss of myself. 9 years later I’m still picking up the pieces, but there’s no use wondering what could have been. I’ll never know. Maybe in another world, another universe, that girl exists, but right here and now, I’m only left with myself.
I wish I could touch her just one last time, just reach out and hold her and squeeze her so tight she’d be begging me to let go. That physicality. A physical body that no longer exists, she only exists in my mind now. How strange a thought, a whole being bigger than the universe itself, reduced to flashing images in my mind. I wonder if it would have hurt more to lose her at 15 or 25, and the answer is I don’t know. What I do know is that I shouldn’t be asking myself those questions and trying to live through those scenarios, trying to answer questions that will never have an answer. Nonetheless, I do it anyway.
So that’s the 6th of June for me. Every year. Every year it’s the same and every year it’s different. It’s strange how something can be changing all the time yet also stay the same. I wonder if the same applies for me.
I look down at my hands and wonder what it would be like for someone to hold them.
“she’s got deep brown eyes
that’ve seen it all”
“on my last night on earth i want to look to the sky
just breathe in the air and blink in the light
on my last night on earth i’ll pay a high price
to have no regrets and be done with my life“
“L I F E G O E S O N
what you don’t have now will come back again”