the title, is an ode to kojo. and because i am currently sitting on a balcony, looking up at the stars. it’s 5am and silent everywhere, i am the only one in the world awake.
here’s a week’s worth of wondering.
“smoke and sunset, off mulholland
he was talkin, i was wonderin bout
you and that girl, she your girlfriend?
face from heaven, bet the world she don’t know.
pretty girls don’t know the things that i know”
i was above the sky and thought, i’d like to fall through a cloud. just throw myself out of this window and fall, float.
“i don’t know the protocol for fixing a broken heart”
“ain’t it sad when you miss a closing door
turn around, have to wait for something more
gets me mad that i left it all too late
swept in the breeze, now i watch it drift away
so you can find me, in the tallest building in the tallest city
and i will build a ladder to the rooftops
i’m screaming from my lungs
i’m sorry i messed up”
i’m in my head again, a dangerous place to be. me and my thoughts, a dangerous thing to have.
“grew up underneath the rising love
watched it battle through the turbulence
i just wanna feel understood
patiently, i wait impatiently
to share all of my insecurities
first i really gotta work on me”
sometimes i sit here with the knowledge that only i will ever know me, and no matter how much i let anyone else in, they will never be close enough. only i will ever know me this well, and that’s okay. because i trust myself with myself. i believe my hands are the only pair i can trust to hold myself, i believe anyone else would let me slip through the cracks, or shatter me completely. they don’t understand what it is they’d be holding, and therefore it’s my job to carry this weight alone. it doesn’t have to be a bad thing, though. the fact that this soul is heavy means it has substance, it has life. it has meaning. i would rather be something heavy to hold in your hands, than something weightless that would float away at the slightest of winds. i need substance, i need something real. touch me and you’ll see. at least you knew i was here.